Almost Sexless Marriage and Hateful Hub
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Almost Sexless Marriage and Hateful Hub
| Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:00am |
I have been married for 8 months and this marriage is about to end. It's been two weeks now and no sex, I tried to talk with him, he says it's not me but doesn't know what the problem is. It seems to always turn into a fight, and then he starts the name calling. I use to initiate it all the time, but got tired of it so I quit. We have been to counseling and he won't follow through with anything the counselor says to. Im at my wits end, never had anything like this before and don't know what do from here. I love him but the respect is slowly deminishing and I don't like this feeling...please anyone...help

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The problem is that we get so used to the pattern that we use for arguments, that it's like a dance so to speak. He says this, you say that, which causes him to say that, which makes you say this. The words may change, but the pattern remains the same. When you change what you say, it pushes him to respond differently than he usually would, he doesn't have your "same old retort" to snap back to. But, that doesn't mean he likes the difference, he wants things to be the way they've always been. So he's going to try to keep things going "the old way" as much as he can. It's the fighting style he's used and is comfortable with, he doesn't want to change it. Often, like now, he's going to keep trying to push your buttons until he gets you to fall back to the same old pattern. And falling back is easy to do, as you know. Don't beat yourself up about being sucked back into the same responses, you're only human, you're going to make mistakes and this is a new thing for you, a new process. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time, it's a process, it takes time.
I know it's hard. I know too that you know you can't change him, only yourself, but it's hard to change yourself when you're dealing with the same crap as before. I know. There's no reward, at least none that you can see at the time. It doesn't feel like it's worked at all, it's hard work and there's no payoff. But, payoff will come down the road. Whether he changes or not, the changes you'll have made will make your life so much better and easier.
A book you might want to read that will help you as you struggle with this is "The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships", by Harriet Goldhar Lerner.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I've been where you are - and so here's what the counselor is trying to explain.
Your reasoning, values, priorities, and patterns are one piece of a puzzle. His are another.
Right now - what brought you together that is fundamentally what you needed - he had and vice versa. Your patterns didn't clash so they fit like a puzzle piece.
The counselor is telling you that if you chang eyour pattern - you'll no longer piece the receiving piece of his "puzzle" part - as he will not change.
However, you changing yourself is not done in order to "change him". It's you becoming who you want to be - as you define it and require it of yourself. So that you're proud and dmiring of being who and how you are - all the time.
That's going to have one of two effects....because people get together because the "paatterns" which cause the interactive dynamic between them - mesh.
He's either going to stop being able to get his "needs" met atht he arguing, insulting, etc. met...and he finds another outlet - change is not improvement.....but it can be, or it can be a worse method he adopts in your view.
But basically - he got with you so that being "how he is" - worked and got him what he wanted.
What you're giong to do is change how you are...so what he wants he can't get from you - not with that as your goal or intention - but by default of "change".
Wait, this might make it easier.......think of you both as 16 year olds...quite attracted to one another becuase of the same level of maturity, emotional balance, reasoning process, and logic prioritization are avilable to you both.
What the connselor is telling you is"grow up"......and if you do it you're going to be about 35 - to his 16 years of age - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, professionally, personally and in terms of values and prioritization patterns and response behavior.
Now.......while a 16 year old boy might find a 35 year old woman "attractive" physically and be quite desirous of a Mrs. Robinson experience - what he wouldn't want to d is "have a relationship with her".........they're not enough 'alike' to be compatible.
The counselor is telilng you "grow up"...and in doing it you'll either outgrow him because he doesn't want to gro wup....or possibly you'll both grow up and find out as kids emotionally and mentally you fit - but as adults with more self-definition and requirement - you don't......or you might find you're more compatible.
But change within you - for the right reasons, goals, and intentions - let's you discern that - while figuring out yourself.
I did this in the 4th marriage........and talk about an eye-opening experience.....despite doing everything he claimed to want - because I was doing it for a totally personal set of requirements and reaosns - he literally drove himself crazy because he couldn't get what he wanted out of me.....even though he was getting what he'd claimed to be with me to get.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I do have a question???? Can anyone tell me the real true meaning of respect for one another?? As in a mate or well I guess it would also be true for a person in general???? Cuz Im just missing something I guess.....I am referred to as the boss by my husband and I explained to him that I don't like that term cuz it isn't true and I would prefer to be called your wife or something nice? Maybe Im making too big of a deal about it but he said I am the boss and he will call me that... I simply told him that a boss has control and I have no control over our marriage.... Then I told him to simply treat me with some respect and that didn't go so well... so I give up....lost again...what's new....boy has then been a tough year...
I'm sorry but what kind of nut job counselor tells you that you need to work on forgiving behaviors and actions that are ongoing and not changing? How can one "forgive" in a situation like that?
Maybe you need a better counselor....
Jen
>>As in a mate or well I guess it would also be true for a person in general???? Cuz Im just missing something I guess.....I am referred to as the boss by my husband and I explained to him that I don't like that term cuz it isn't true and I would prefer to be called your wife or something nice? <<
I'm thinking that in this situation, you are over reacting....and guessing by your husband's reaction, I bet he thinks so too. I say this because I really don't see what's to dislike about being called "the boss". Here in Australia, it's a very common term that men use when referring to their wives. I know many men who use the term and it's meant with no disrespect. Even my dad calls my mum 'the boss' and they have endless love and respect in their marriage. In all cases when I've heard the term used, it's never been used as an insult.
Yes, in many cases there is an element of truth in the term, but it's generally based on practicalities such as the wife being the one with the diary and a better knowledge of everyone's activities. Hence, when he says "I'll just have to check with the boss" it means that he's got no idea how the schedule looks and he knows that you'll know. The same can often be said for finances or meals. We tend to get deferred to because we tend to run much of the household.
I do believe that you've got some big issues to deal with here, but try to stay focussed on the main issues and don't look for offence where none is intended. If you get upset about everything that's not 100% how you'd like it, all he'll ever hear is criticism and the result will be him getting more stubborn.
Pick your battles wisely.
I agree with you, Aisha, that the term is not typically meant to be an insult, though I think it's easy to see that the passive suggestion is less than complimentary. I also agree that picking your battles is wise. However, I also think that upon realizing she doesn't like the term and certainly upon her asking him to stop using it, he should stop. Fact is, he should want to stop, who would want to continue to refer to ones spouse in a way that the spouse doesn't like and feels offended by? I'll bet your father would stop instantly if your mum told him she didn't like the term.
I also agree with Jen, it sounds like a new counselor is in order.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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