always fighting and now engaged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
always fighting and now engaged.
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 11:43pm

Sometimes the fights are just too much, and because i am a "flight not fight" person, anytime we do have a disagreement, I think about ending it because i don't want to do this forever.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 12:24am
Welcome back, Arbylee7 ~

Is this the same relationship you posted about before?:

2 many downs not enough ups?

A few questions that will help us understand clearly and be able to offer you accurate advice and suggestions:

* What you're saying suggests it hasn't always been like this, and maybe it hasn't been like this for long, is that right? How long has this been going on?
*What is your reaction when he gets upset at your tone when you say your day was "ok"? Do you verbalize your thoughts on breaking up at that point? Do you generally verbalize thoughts of breaking up when you fight?
* How often would you say you're fighting these days? Assuming it hasn't always been this way, how often would you say you two fought when things were better?
* Have you ever been told by anyone else that you have a problem with your tone? Has anyone else ever misinterpreted your response, thinking you were angry or upset when you weren't?
* You said he asks a question, but if you don't answer right away he's afraid and answers for you. What's he afraid of and why?
* Is anything unusually stressful or eventful going on in his life?
* Has his response been to scream at you about things before this issue you're dealing with now came up?
* How long have you been together?
* I assume the reason you're afraid to see a therapist is that you won't stay together, what makes you think this will be the result?

Thanks in advance for your answers, and sorry for so many questions, but they'll really help us have a better picture of what's going on, and with a better picture we're able to offer more accurate thoughts and suggestions.

"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 1:24am
What you describe is a very unhealthy relationship. I definitely recommend counseling, I don't see how you could manage to live like that the rest of your life, love him or not.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.


Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 4:42am

In my experience, the 'walking on eggshells' phase comes right before the breakup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 9:41am

Having a ring gives you no better chance of working out and having a great relationship. I can't suggest highly enough that you not move forward with plans for a wedding unless you make significant strides in this area.

I disagree that your problem isn't communication. Communication hasn't helped you because you haven't been communicating well, though you have been doing a LOT of it - A lot of negative communicating. But a big part of YOUR problem is trying to communicate with someone who cannot be reasoned with. I think he wants to be fought with, to have a reason to feel defensive, and to justify his yelling. Little fights like these over nothing are worse than big fights, because they can't be resolved and they show you that you simply cannot get along together.

If you want my honest opinion based on what I've experienced myself and seen in others, I would do more than just "think" about ending the relationship. Your guy has individual issues that need to be worked out before he can be an effective communicator and therefore, be great husband potential.

There have been an unfortunate number of posts here lately written by women who are with name-callers. I can't advise that anyone stay with a guy who calls names, when you love someone you don't treat your partner that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 4:53pm

Arbylee, what a rotten way to live. Perhaps you have lived like this for so long,to but this really is no way to live in any love relationship. What you have is not love, it's some sort of sick power, low self-esteem struggle or something. It's very unhealthy to say the least. The screaming, my god, I wouldn't have lasted a day with him!

How often do you get called names? Most women, if they were told a name like that, would be out of there faster than you can blink. But you are still there, taking more of it and feeling crappier by the day. Why are you staying? What makes you think that this is love and something worth keeping forever (by getting married?)? Did you grow up with a lot of fighting to think that this kind of relationship was OK to stay in?

I do not believe this is a communication problem at all. I would bet you money that if you suggested couples counseling he will refuse to go because a) deep down he may know it's him and wants to refuse any responsibility for the downfall, or b) he completely believes that you are the one ruining the relationship with your "tones" and "moods." Counseling is also for two people who want to work at things together and who can each see their own flaws and work on things. I really don't think your fiance fits that bill. And no, you cannot explain it better or make your tone nicer for him to finally get it.

You said you are worried about what will happen. What do you mean?

My ex said my "tone" set him off too. I tried and tried to modify it and the way I delivered my message, and it never worked. I even tried out various tones in front of him for him to tell me which was the least offensive! They were all bad according to him. I think he was trying to make me shut up.

"not to mention that our sex life is dry. I'm rarely in the mood, and i don't know if it is because i'm self-conscious of my weight and health, or because i'm not being completely satisfied or if there is some other underlying issue that i can't seem to face or see..."

Um, it could be because he's calling you a poophead (G version) and making you feel like crap! That surely kills a libido!

I would seriously call off the wedding and leave him and discover a new life withOUT him.