Am I asking for too much??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Am I asking for too much??
4
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 6:37pm

Hi Annie here, I am new to the board, and not sure what to expect. I have been confiding in friends about my marriage problems and they all say to divorce and get on with my life. Easier said than done. And I am not sure what to do at all.

I'll try to be brief:

We have been married for 10 years, together for 13. We are both in our mid forties. We were seperated(my choice) for 3 years until he moved here and we bought a house. It is a second marriage for both - no children of our own :( He has one son, 17, who gets the best of everything -private schools, even when we couldn't afford it, trips to France with his class, etc. His ex gets almost 1K a month in child support. Now, I don't begrudge child support - but to me 1K a month is a little high. Our household income is 80 K a year. In addition to the child support H also pays for Boyscouts, Camp, Camping Trips, a car, car insurance, etc. So his son wants for nothing.

He is a professional with a school loan of over 40K, and I had held corporate management jobs for all but the last 2 years, due to health issues. I am now starting my own business and I work as a part time retail manager.

Money has been a issue since day 1. We do not have combined anything - seperate checking accounts, etc. When we sold a house 3 years ago, he took the money we made (a good profit!) and paid off all of HIS bills - and didn't pay a dime towards any of mine. He hides his wallet, his bank statements and he obtained an AMEX card without telling me - but I snooped and I found it and asked him and he denied getting one (it is in his wallet, in the glove box in his car.) He travels for work and it isn't unusual for him to be gone 10days to 3 weeks out of the country. He leaves me with no money, no checks, no access to a dime while he is gone. With my income (I make in one month what he makes in one week) I pay the phone bills, all vet expenses for our animals (his AND mine), all animal food, upkeep etc., my cell phone bill, my car expenses, the copays for medical visits, my prescriptions (which run $75 a month) my dentist bills, dr bills, half of the grocery bills and if I would like a dinner out, I have to pay HALF or ALL of the meal. At the end of the month, I am usually floating a check to my next pay period.

I admit, I did a bad thing and applied for a credit card in his name and got myself a card on the acct. I didn't tell him. I wanted alittle security when he is out of town should I get sick, need something on my 14 year old car fixed, etc. It had a 500 limit. When he found out, he called the police and tried to have me arrested. And he filed fraud charges against me with the credit card company. He comment: "Hey babe I play rough."

For the entire marriage, it has always been on his terms...with the exception of his moving out of state to remain married to me. I didn't want him to. I told him I wanted a divorce as I did not want to take him away from his son... but he moved here anyhow.

My car is falling apart. 230K miles on it. He refuses to have it fixed as I am not bringing in enough income (his words), I injured my wrist and hand and I am broke until next payday(a week away) and he said he doesn't have the $ for the 25.00 co pay to take me to the doctors. I feel like I am treated like a second class citizen.

Our sex life is NIL - why would I want to have sex with someone who tried to have me arrested...

When my Mom passed away, he went to work instead of to the funeral with me. When I had female surgery, he dropped me off at the hospital, stayed until the dr said I made it through, then went to work. I didn't see him until 7:30 that night - 9 hours after I was back in my hospital room. I had surgery on both hands... I couldn't even wipe my own butt... and he went to work everyday, never concerned that I would need some help with things... I got pregnant before he finished school and he said it was an inconvienient time so I had to have an abortion.

Geez... writing this all down.. I feel like such a loser for staying through all this crap... am I? Am I just too stupid? I am really at a loss... I dont' even know what I am really feeling...maybe I am just afraid to feel.

Thanks for listening - sorry I didn't keep it short like I Promised

Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:09pm

Sometimes that's exactly what you need, to write it all down.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:56pm

He tried to have you ARRESTED???? Oh my god. That just floors me, especially given that he basically STOLE your half of the profits on your house (I'm assuming you owned it jointly?). And he won't even give you $25 to go to the doctor? Oh, that is SO pathetic.

You're not the loser--HE is. My heart goes out to you...I really hope you will see that you are married to an abusive man, even if he doesn't physically strike you.

You are not asking for too much to be treated with respect and dignity...but it's not going to happen with THIS man.

I would STOP paying his half of any joint expenses you are paying, and save up whatever you can to pay for an attorney. At least go to an initial consultation (which are usually free) and see what you are going to be entitled to in a divorce (I would think your part of the house profits, for a start, but without knowing what state you're in and whether you have community property, I can't say that for sure).

You will most likely have to take a 2nd job once you move out to pay your expenses, but I think it will be well worth the peace of mind and absence of abuse.

Keep us posted, will you?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 10:16pm

Welcome to the board, Annie ~


I'd be lying if I didn't say your friends sound like smart women (and/or men) who know what they're talking about......


Right off the bat, what it sounds like is that your husband treats the marriage and you as a business arrangement rather than a marriage. Pull your weight or lose your key to the executive washroom, period. He and golden boy get the best of everything, you are stuck in the mailroom.


What's good about the relationship? Why do you think you stay? We need to hear that too.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 10:17pm

Oh I meant to comment on that too.

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