Am I being a doormat?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Am I being a doormat?
5
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 1:24pm

So here is the situation:

Boyfriend and I have been together for 2 and 1/3 months lol. Very specific I know. We have been having a fantastic time and literally I have never felt this great with anyone else. Mainly because I feel like he is caring, sympathetic, genuine and has good intentions with me. I met his parents, siblings, he showed me this house he is planning to buy. His parents have invited me over, they told his family about me. I guess I've been trully enjoying this feeling. I've never felt more wanted.

So, here is the problem... we started having sex about a month ago. We have not been using protection except for one time (I know stupid of me!!!). So, I was helping him make his bed, I decided to go through the corner to make sure to tuck in the sheets well. As I pushed the bed a little, I found a used condom on the floor. I confronted him immediately. That same day, as I was looking for my shirt, I found another used condom on the other side of the bed. 

Mind you, I have slept over a few times and although I've never searched his room or stuff, I find it odd that he hasn't stumbled upon these condoms. The times that I've been to his place, his room is always a bit messy although the rest of his place is neat. The first time I slept over it was unexpected, I ended up coming over, so he excused the mess. Since then, I guess he hasnt felt a need to clean it much.

After confronting him, he states that since meeting me he has not been with anyone else; that he has not cheated and although this is extremely embarrasing to him and disrepectful it is to me, he promised he has not had sex with anyone else. Prior to me he was sexing with some girl whom he was not serious with. According to him, he does not make it a habit to introduce his family to girls and I've been one of 2 girls who has been introduced. His family is trully the sweetest. And his relationship with his mom is one that I truly admire. He has not given me a reason to mistrust him. Other than the condoms (huge red flag) there has been absolutely no red flags. He welcomes me to his place at any time or day without specifically planning for it. He even expects me to surprise him and show up whenever I want. - I haven't done that, but I find him to be very open with me. A man that had someone on the side would act a bit suspicious. 

So although I am choosing to believe him. It seems like he cannot bottle this idea. According to him, if the shoes were on the other foot he doesnt know if he could believe me. And if  one of his girl friends were to be telling him this, he would advice them to step out of the relationship without hesitation. So this is my dilemma.

I told him he is questioning my trust in him and therefore questioning my perseption of my self worth. I've been in cheating relationships, I know the instictive feelings; I know the unease... I've been in those shoes before. But my instict- as crazy as it sounds, tells me that he is not lying. Yet, his empathy is making me question whether I am being too soft or being a doormat. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 7:04pm
This is extrememly tricky.... however the fact he said if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldnt trust you and he would end the relationship sets alarm bells ringing in my opinion. Why would he say that if he was innocent? Why bring it up as if he basically wants you to end the relationship cause he would if the situation was on you? Seems extremely dodgy and the fact you have had previous poor relationships this is bound to have affected you. You have only been together for three months nearly and to be this is a bad way to start a commited relationship, at this point I would sadly run for the hills but that is just me personally- no trust already at this early stage only means it could get worse further down the line. Then again what was his excuse for the condoms? If it wasnt he was sleeping with someone else he was probably masturbating? This is a likely story for all men as I am sure many men in relationships still do the deed due to their sexual libidos and egos and the fact men are more sexualy aroused than women are in general... it is a known fact. However surely he would hide the evidence from his family if his mum was to come into his room and put some clothes away or 'tidy his room' as stated by you it is messy? But then again you could argue why he would leave it out if he was cheating on you? Surely that would be a bigger insentive to get rid of the used condom? It all seems very strange to me, I have had my fair share of cheating guys so I know how it feels to be hurt and seen as a mug, don't be that mug hun, talk to him get the truth out... if he can swear to you he wasnt cheating and progress with the relationship then give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you do give him another chance if the same scenario arises again or something simular you know what to do.... don't be a doormat, life is way too short to be with a liar :)... Hope ive helped x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2014
Tue, 03-11-2014 - 7:04pm
This is extrememly tricky.... however the fact he said if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldnt trust you and he would end the relationship sets alarm bells ringing in my opinion. Why would he say that if he was innocent? Why bring it up as if he basically wants you to end the relationship cause he would if the situation was on you? Seems extremely dodgy and the fact you have had previous poor relationships this is bound to have affected you. You have only been together for three months nearly and to be this is a bad way to start a commited relationship, at this point I would sadly run for the hills but that is just me personally- no trust already at this early stage only means it could get worse further down the line. Then again what was his excuse for the condoms? If it wasnt he was sleeping with someone else he was probably masturbating? This is a likely story for all men as I am sure many men in relationships still do the deed due to their sexual libidos and egos and the fact men are more sexualy aroused than women are in general... it is a known fact. However surely he would hide the evidence from his family if his mum was to come into his room and put some clothes away or 'tidy his room' as stated by you it is messy? But then again you could argue why he would leave it out if he was cheating on you? Surely that would be a bigger insentive to get rid of the used condom? It all seems very strange to me, I have had my fair share of cheating guys so I know how it feels to be hurt and seen as a mug, don't be that mug hun, talk to him get the truth out... if he can swear to you he wasnt cheating and progress with the relationship then give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you do give him another chance if the same scenario arises again or something simular you know what to do.... don't be a doormat, life is way too short to be with a liar :)... Hope ive helped x
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Mon, 03-17-2014 - 10:10am
Sorry to hear that happened to you. I've been in the same situation and it hurts like hell. At the time I listened to my boyfriend and believed that he was not cheating. I eventually got the truth out of him that he did cheat and it never got better. So overall and without comparing stories, it is your decision. But you did come to this board for a reason; so trust your instinct and gut. If you had looked before and not seen anything I would find it alarming too that they suddenly appear especially if you and he weren't using any condoms. This is a tricky situation especially when he gave you the scenario about if the tables were turned… It just sounds sneaky to me. Trust yourself! I hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 12:18am

I think you're good.  You don't disbelieve him, you have no feeling that he's cheating, etc., etc.  HOWEVER, I will say that his family being nice, liking you, etc., has absolutely nothing to do with anything.  Their behavior and feelings won't mean a thing; if he's a cheater, he'll cheat, if he wants out he'll end it, they'll say, "oh that's a shame" and move on.  Don't try to read his family into meaning your relationship is solid.  


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 10:30am

Well you'd think a guy would try his best to clean up from previous relationships before he has his new girl over for a sleepover but guys can be very messy sometimes. I suppose if a guy was messing around behind your back , you'd think he'd try really hard to clean up the evidence. He apparently made no effort in this regard so that tends to indicate that these were indeed left over from the previous girl. It doens't seem like he was acting at all like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He seemed calm and matter of fact. Another sign he was being honest.

I think you're fine.