Am i being fair??
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| Fri, 12-30-2005 - 8:11pm |
My bf (38) and I (41) have been together for a little over 5 yrs now. We are both divorced and he has three kids (9,12,17) and I have one (14). We have lived together since almost the start and now own a house together. At his former job, he started hanging out at the bar with a couple people from work (male and female). Then, he started hanging out more with one of his married female co-workers and her single best friend, duting their lady's night out. Even though I saw the way my bf and the single friend were acting in public once when way too much alcohol was consumed, I was not concerned (they did not know I had walked in to the place). Although the three haven't been hanging out much over the past few months, I decided he was acting suspicious, i.e. different ring tones that he never had before, keeping his phone out of site, not answering his phone when it rang, stuff like that. So, being the non-trusting type after having two husbands cheat on me, I decided to check it out. Come to find out he has been talking on the phone with this single chic for the past couple months, sometimes several times a day, and sometimes drops by her work on his way home from work. When I confronted him about talking to her all the time, he stressed that they were only friends and that they talked about stuff like Nascar and football, but never our relationship. I explained how hurt and betrayed I felt, as he knew I had been cheated on before and with my 2nd ex, this is exactly how it started, "just talking as friends."
We don't communicate well, as every conversation ends up with us always arguing about the kids and which one did what to whom and which one didn't do what they were suppose to, that it's a strain to even have a conversation. We try to stay away from talking about the kids, but something always comes up. Anyway, that's why he says he enjoys talking with this chic; because we don't talk anymore without arguing. I have asked him to not talk to her all the time and to try and work on us, but even last night (because I am so upset after three weeks of worrying and couldn't sleep) I check his cell phone only to find out he text messaged her at 10:00pm, after I went to bed. We had just did Christmas with the kids! So, at 2:00am I am throwing the phone at him saying, "What the F@$! is this s@*&!" "I can't believe you are continuing to talk to her constantly after I told you how betrayed I felt and how much it hurts me."
Do I think he is sleeping with her? No, I don't. But do I feel betrayed? Absolutely. He has brought so much distrust in our relationship (past lies), I can't hardly even sleep anymore. Now I wonder if he is out late, is he stopped at the bar with her. I also have to wonder how much he is hiding as it seems he sits around and waits for her to call after I go to bed (he's been staying up late downstairs lately). Yea, maybe she is just a friend, but still.
So, ultimately my question is this. How do I learn to accept that he is allowed to have female friends to talk to? Is it OK for him to talk to her every day? I don't think so, but some people would say it is. I would like to hear from other women who have husbands and boyfriends that have a female best friend or a female friend that they sit around and chat with all the time (without you), and what I should consider acceptable behavior. One part of me says I'm being too jealous, another part, says it's just not fair to our relationship. I need to find that happy medium.

I also think that there's more than he's saying....mainly because they are behaving as lovers.
Yes, many people do have friends of the opposite sex. But the amount of contact between them is on a lower level. Of course, all friendships are different, but I doubt that there are many people who contact their 'friends' on such an overly frequent basis.
I suggest that you would be more comfortable with this friendship if they behaved truly as 'friends' do....not lovers.
Twoxisenough, I agree with the responses you've gotten from Gal_confussed and Aisha. Having a platonic relationship isn't any big deal, but platonic relationships aren't hidden or secret, don't grow and flourish amid problems within the romantic relationship (it's inappropriate for him to be hanging around her when there are issues and problems between the two of you) and they don't continue to be secret when you've made it clear you're uncomfortable with them. I have male friends, but in order to maintain a healthy balance between friendship and the relationship I have with my husband, I show him the kind of respect and care that's necessary by making him aware of contact between my friends and I, inviting him to join us and planning things with him and them, and generally letting him know he's welcome to join us any time.
My husband is the kind of guy who girls consider a friend and they love to talk to him. I have no problem with this because I am secure in our relationship, his actions where they are concerned as well as in general give me reason for confidence. This isn't the case in your relationship. You have trouble talking. Interesting that he has no trouble talking to her. I'll bet he had no problem talking to you in the beginning either. It's because your relationship wasn't deep, wasn't involved yet, it was simple and easy, none of the tough stuff that real relationship and real life involves. IMO, what he's doing now is avoiding your relationship and the problems in it by focusing on her. She's easy to talk to -- of course! They're not discussing the kids, the mortgage, etc., and if they are it's about his side, how tough things are for him, she's not a participant, she's a sympathizer. If he wants to work on the issues between you, he has to talk to you, like you already know. The other thing is you've said he's proven to be untrustworthy in the past, that you're already unable to put full trust in him. His actions here give you absolutely no reason for trust and every reason to be suspicious and distrustful. I also hear you when you say that while you understand that they're "just friends" you've heard that before from your ex, before he became romantically involved with his "friend". It happens and you're right to be concerned and distrusting. Yes, platonic relationships are certainly possible and happen all the time, but not the way you describe. Secrecy, hidden messages and going behind your back suggests this is not platonic, or certainly is not heading down a platonic path.
IMO, to accept this relationship and "allow" it would be a mistake. Obviously you can't force him to do anything, but you can put a line in the sand and let him know what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not. Of course, drawing a line in the sand also means being willing and able to take the actions you've said you would take if he continues to see her; don't make threats you aren't willing to carry through on. I would really urge you to get yourselves in to couples counseling** to work on improving your relationship, resolving your problems (kid and relationship) and working on improved communication. His friendship is hurting your relationship, plain and simple. It's also keeping your relationship from improving; as long as he's focusing on her he's not putting his focus where it needs to be -- on you and your relationship. I've got to say that if he continues to put his "friendship" with her above you he's pretty clearly stating his care, concern and commitment to your relationship and frankly, that would mean there isn't any relationship there for you.
**Couples counselor must be licensed/certified in couples counseling.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Reposted for Gal_confussed I'll answer you there ~
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks all of you who helped me believe that I was seeing my bf for who he really is. While I still truly believe he is not sleeping with her, I can't live with a man I can't trust. Even now he says they hardly ever talk, but just yesterday he talked to her for 15 min before he went to work. I think he believes that I will never leave him as I have continued to let him treat me as if I'm second best and have threatened leaving before, but never did.
I have decided that this is a man I just can't continue to be with anymore. I have been developing plans for the last couple months, now I finally get to act on them. What good is a relationship if you can't trust the other person and can no longer stand being with them.
I think you're doing the right thing, Twoisenough. I know it's not what you want, but the truth is if he respected you, your relationship or felt it was a priority he wouldn't making the choices he's making. Since he's clearly telling you where his priorities lie, and how much you and your relationship mean in perspective to this "friend" staying would mean you know you're choosing to stay in a relationship where you don't matter. Unless you think being in a situation that destroys your self respect, self esteem and much more, it's not a place you should be. It's not good for your kids to grow up in that kind of environment either, watching you and your relationship be disrespected, watching you stay in a relationship that's full of unhappiness, distrust, suspicion (rightly so), anger and all the other fun things that stay in the mix of this kind of situation. Boys grow up thinking it's the right way to behave as a man and girls grow up thinking it's what they should look for and expect from men in their own lives. They'll also learn to disrespect you as they see him disrespecting you, and they see you putting up with it.
How are things going for you? I understand you've been coming towards the decision to leave, but don't know how close you are to actually making that move. Do you have a time frame in mind? Let us know how you're doing, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"