Am I being irrational?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 09-30-2006 - 11:51am |
I have been living with a man for 1 and 1/2 years now. I have known him 2 1/2 years and we have both been divorced for 4 years. Without stating ages let me just say we both have a bit of salt running through our hair. This man has a heap of baggage in the way of an ex-wife. This is a woman who hates and yet doesn't want to let go of the man she used to be married to. This may sound odd, but I feel there are many times when she depends on him to yell at her. She is always trying to turn the children against their father and tries to make herself out to be the victim. She can not manage her finances and on many occassions he has had to bail her out of trouble (electric bill not being paid, not saving enough in taxes come April 15th, etc.). This is a woman who clears $4,000 a month (including her child support). I spend more time with her sons than she does. She is always going out with the older daughters (one of whom is married and on her own), but is always leaving her sons with me +/or their father. Even on the nights when she is suppose to keep them (they are about Junior high in age). Okay, those are the basics about her.
My boyfriend is fiercely devoted to his children. The more time they spend with us the better (which is truly a redeeming quality), and they spend I would guess 85 - 90% of their time with us. He looks at his child support as paying ransom to his ex-wife for the ability to be with them more often. Because his ex-wife is incapable of taking care of herself and is more often than not, "hell on wheels" (that's the nicest way I could say it)... she has come over and cursed and screamed at him in the front yard in front of the children... he feels he needs to put up with her and try not to rock the boat for the sake of his kids. The less he rocks her boat, the calmer the seas for the kids. This is to a point where they are on the phone several times a day, generally trying to figure out who is going to take the kids where and when, and where did she lose their belongs (uniforms, etc) this time. There is no set schedule for the children except when he leaves for a 48 hour shift every other weekend. Even that is not as set as it used to be as the children, knowing I am home, are spending more and more time here (this is not a problem other than those are the weekends I really scrub the house and it's not easy when they are there). Okay those were his basics.
This past week we were discussing taking a trip in November. It ended up that we didn't have the money for the trip. My boyfriend suggested to me that we invite the ex-wife along (she would have her own place to stay) so that she could pay for the kid's tickets. He said he doesn't want her along, but he didn't want his kids to miss out on this opportunity. That and the ex-wife gets upset when we take the kids on these kinds of trips because she always wanted to do that when they were married. I asked why she doesn't just take the kids on her own trips and the answer ended up being she is afraid to take them out of the country by herself (to her defense on that one she does have extreme difficulty seeing and is not allowed to drive at night). At any rate... I couldn't believe he would even consider having her along and I felt he was trying to guilt me in to saying she could by telling me how afraid she is to go alone and telling me he didn't want the kids to miss out. Then just a few hours later he wanted to know if I felt it was okay to call and talk to her about her finances. He wanted to give her advice on what to do with the money she had left from a part of the divorce that was just settled and to find out if it was about to run out. I didn't feel this was really any of his business. He said he just wants to know when she is going to become even more crabby, because she will when she has no money. Back to the vacation... I had also asked (after he mentioned the ex) if perhaps my parents could come along on the trip since they have been wanting to take a vacation and are looking to do so in the very near future. Later he told me that my asking if my parents could come along was the same as him asking is he could bring his ex along. I personally don't think it is even close to the same thing.
Needless to say, I have been rather confused, hurt, angry and am feeling a bit insecure. I feel he does too much for his ex-wife in the name of not rocking the boat. I personally feel he needs to take her to court and get full custody of the kids, but if I mention that, while he agrees, he says it would be too traumatic for the kids and he doesn't want to put them through that. So in the mean time I am a bit resentful that she talks to him nearly more than I do. She does next to nothing for the children other than try to buy their love with toys and Burger King and yet she is getting all the attention in the name of not rocking the boat. I feel the order of importance in his life is his children, then his ex-wife by default because if she is upset it upsets the children, then maybe me. And I am suppose to just understand and be happy because I love him. What it feels like is that, while he may not want to be with her physically nor live with her, they are still married. On another note, the first year he and I were going out I still considered myself friends with my ex-husband. Once a month or so, he and I would talk for 30 to 60 minutes. We had been friends first and all through high school. At that time I didn't see anything wrong with being friends with him (yes, we have one child together who recently started college). We didn't do things together or anything like that, we just spoke about what was happening in our lives. Through couples counselling I found out that this was very inappropriate and I stopped talking with him at all. Truthfully I am better for finally having let that portion of my life go. I never realized how much even talking with him was dragging my life down. I never had many friends and at that time didn't think I could give up even one. I was wrong. I've made the mistake of comparing my conversations with me ex to his conversations with his. While I know the topics of conversation are vastly different because he detests his ex-wife it's the frequency of the communication that I see as the issue. He said I am comparing apples to watermelons. I said I thought it was more like comparing macintosh to granny smiths. I truly don't feel they need to have as much contact as they do, but when I mentioned this he says I am just upset that I can't talk to my ex-husband. I can assure you I am not upset about that. I have thanked him on many occasions for helping set me free from that. That song "You don't know what you've got til it's gone"... doesn't have to mean that you miss it. I didn't know I was wearing concrete shoes until others freed me from them.
Please tell me am I being irrational for being upset with this situation? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Am I trying to put myself before his children? or is his relationship with his ex above and beyond a normal relationship with an ex? If you do feel I am being irrational could you please try to explain to me why so maybe I can understand.
I'm sorry for the length of this letter. I had a lot more I could have said. If you could please give me your two-cents and let me know what you think you would be doing in this situation, it would be greatly appreciated.
Seapines

Pages
As long as your husband allows his guilt to dictate his decisions, he will continue to allow his ex to manipulate him and be beholden to her. His choice. Know that. He's making the choice to do what he's going. Counseling could help him though the process and get his head straight.
As for the kids you said:: "they are about Junior high in age"
Then the kids are old enough to take care of their own clothes and to learn how to operate the washing machine.
Carrie
Pages