Am I being selfish?
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| Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:01pm |
I am relatively new to the iVillage Community (boards), and I think it's wonderful here. Very helpful.
The problem that I'm having isn't a problem with our relationship per se. I have been with my BF for three years now, and we love each a lot. We want to get married and have a family and all that. The problem is, yesterday he mentioned (again) that he has a feeling that a child might be his. It's not that he cheated on me or anything. This didn't happen during the time that we've been together (she's about 7 or so, not sure). But I can't help but to feel a bit "betrayed", if that's a good word. He mentioned it before but I kinda brushed it off, 'cause he said the kid's mother said he wasn't. Now she's saying, it's possible.
I'm PO'd, and confused and I don't want to over-react, but I don't know what to do. The thing is, up until this point I always thought that I would be the mother of his children. He had told me previously that a girl that was pregnant with his child, got an abortion (also before us). And even though I don't believe in abortion, I was kinda happy. Now, there's a possibility that someone else might have had his first child. I don't have a problem with men having children before they get married. But this woman didn't mean a thing to him and she get to have his child (if he is the father).
He assures me that this wont affect our relationship, and we'll still have our children. But I still wanted to be his first, last and only.
Am I being unreasonable?


Are you being unreasonable?
While I can understand your hurt, there is a point where reality should kick in.
Assuming that a man has had sex before, there's always a chance that he's fathered a child somewhere. You see, men don't really get a choice in whether or not an accidental child is born. The only way to avoid this situation is for you to find a virgin.
I'd suggest that you remember he had no choice in this child being born.
princess_j2006,
First step to take in this siutation is to find out whether or not this girl is his. There needs to be a paternity test, like now. If she is his he needs to either step up and take the responisbility or sign of his rights (which in my opnion is not the "man" thing to do and if I was with a guy who could just sign off a child the relationship would end). But this needs to happen as soon as possible.
I know how you feel, believe me I would LOVE for the baby I'm carring to be my DH's first. With the ex that he has and what we are going through with her and his daughter, can I just say it would be heavenly. However, with that said they are in our lives and I wouldn't change that. My DH loves his daughter and he's not sorry that she is here, because of that I'm not sorry for him (or me).
If this girl turns out to be your BF's then you are going to have to realize that she will and should be in his life. It's not her fault that he slept with the mother and had her. She deserves to have a father just like everyone else on this earth. You don't have the right to take that from her. Unfortunately no matter what though if you can't get over your feelings or you don't want to deal with a child being your BF's then you are going to have to find yourself a guy who doesn't have a child. It's hard dating a guy with a child because unlike all other relationships you won't be #1. The child is (and should be) #1.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Thanks Defleppardgal.
He does plan on finding out whether or not she is his for sure. And I plan to stick with him. He is not one to just sign something away like that. And I love him for that. I would not want to be with him if he was willing to do that either, that would mean he could do the same with our child if we have one and something goes wrong. He's even the one pressing to find out what is the case.
I'm just glad somebody understands how I feel. The way you feel is how I feel, but along with that. I also thought I was pregnant the other day and the bad news of that not being true and the fact that this came up at almost the same time, was just a bit much. I know he'll love her and I'll love her too. I love children and I would never hate a child because of circumstances.
I definitely agree that she deserves to have a father in her life. My father was never in my life and his father wasn't the best father in the world, so we both understand this. Even to this point my father isn't in my life. So I would never try to deprive her of this right. As I said before, I love my BF, and this isn't gonna change a thing. I would never leave him because of this. I just dont know how this is gonna change things. And how her mother is gonna behave if in fact the child is his. I think it's just as I said before, I thought I was going to have his child and the disappointment of that not happening (for now) and this popping up suddenly (again). Kinda made me a bit emotional.
Thanks for listening, I'm starting to feel better about all this.
princess_j2006,
Unfortunately you can't plan or predict how things are going to be with the girl and her mother in your lives. It's something you are just going to have to take as it comes. I never thought it was going to be as bad as what my DH and I are going through, but I can't take back our wedding nor this baby that's coming and I wouldn't want too. Believe me I have the queen bee of absolute worst mother of the year for my step daughter's mother and my step daughter is growing up in her foot steps. It's sad, but the mother and daughter are a package that you will have to just learn to deal with if the siutation calles for it.
I know that you were dissappointed that you were not pregnant, but I would highly suggest waiting until all of this get's figured out before trying, if that's what you guys are going to do before you get married. Actually I would suggest getting married first, but I'm just old fashioned and I know that in this day and age steps aren't always taken in that order. So do what you two want. :)
But, I only suggested this because you, your BF, this girl, and the mother are all going to need a great deal of adjustment and you are going to need time to do this and alot of talking, maybe even some counseling. Neither one of you are going to know your roles with this girl and your BF is going to be a bit of a stranger to her. Having to deal with all of this on top of being pregnant isn't going to be healthy for you or the baby. Deal with your situation first before bringing on more stress.
Best of luck,
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Perhaps I can offer you another angle.
As a mother, I can assure you that part of the joy in bringing a child into the world is doing it TOGETHER. Having sex with the happy knowledge that you may get pregnant. Sharing the excitement of a late period and your pregnancy. Sharing in miscarriage and another pregnancy if that happens. Sharing the wonder of the growing child in your womb. Letting him feel the kicks in your belly while you snuggle into him in bed. Having him there at the birth. Seeing his face when he tells you what sex the baby is. Watching him crying with love when he holds his newborn. Being able to share the first words and first steps. Seeing him teach the child how to kick a ball. Get the idea?
Your partner didn't share any of this with the mother of his child. All he was was a sperm donor. He gave DNA and nothing else.
You can give him many, many firsts that he's never had.
I spoke to my BF about the situation last night after the initial shock and disappointment wore off. I asked him what her personality was like (the mother). If she would be the type to try and cause trouble. He told me that she didn't strike him as the type, but you never know.
I do plan on waiting until all of this is over. And we did not plan on having children at this very moment. It's just that I thought it happened (accidentally) and I didn't have a problem with it because I love him and I know that he loves me too. And the more I thought I was, the more excited (and OK with it) I got.
There aren't much adjustments to be made on his part. He and the mother speak and the child knows him somewhat (just not as a father). Making this transition is going to be a bit strange, especially for the child. She's 10 not 7 as I guess-timated earlier. And my BF will be 26 in a couple months. But I don't think it's going to be as hard as if she didn't know him. Who's to say??
I don't think we'll need counselling, but we are willing to do whatever. I do agree with you that it might be stressful to bring a child into an unresolved situation. Especially one like this. But we're not trying right now. As I said, I was just about having his child but it wasn't planned.
Thanks for your advise, you have no idea what it means to me to be able to talk to another woman about this.
That's exactly what we want - to do it together. The other day when I thought I was. We were making plans and talking about what we want for our child. We've spoken about having children before and how we plan on growing them and all that, but actually thinking that I was and the reaction that he had made me love him so much more. We even know what we're going to name our first child. We want boys (a girl wont hurt). We have names for all that though. :)
I spoke to him last night and found out that the child is 10 (he'll be 26 in a few months). So, if in fact he did father this child, it happened when he was quite young. The mother of the child is older than he is. He intends to be more than a sperm donor if the child is his. And I intend to be there for him.
And you're right, I will be the one to give him the EXPERIENCE of having his child.
Thanks for the kind words iv_aisha2004. I appreciate it.