Am I being stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Am I being stupid?
7
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:40am
My Fiance and I have been dating for almost a year and a half. I came to a realization that he is not around when I need him. Example. My car stops, he shadows away and don't call me until I get it fixed. I had to catch the bus for almost a month. He wouldn't help me and on occasion, would pay for a cab when he wanted me to come over for some sex. Other than that, I had to go out in the cold at night catching the bus to and from work and everywhere else I had to go. The thing is, he had the means to help me. I need him to pick something up for me, he don't answer his calls when I leave a message until the next couple of days. When everything is going good, he is around. He told me that I shouldn't love my car, or anything more than I love him. He didn't want me to spend too much time trying to fix my car or run my errands for me. He always calls me and I'm there for him. I purchase things for him. I run errands for him including bringing him lunch at work. If I ask the same, he is not there and he comes up with some excuse as to not do it. When I question him about this, he finds a way to make it seem like it's me and not him. We have previously broken up and got back together upon my request. Since then, I'm the one that's working the relationship trying to keep it together. I'm the one that's footing the bill on everything. He acts like I owe this to him. I'm fed up with this. I'm not a bad looking woman and when he thinks i'm leaving, he will let me know of all the women that wants him. I just can't seem to let him go because I do't want to see him with anyone else. Please help. I even stopped doing for him but we always end up arguing and he claims that I don't show him that I care about him. This relationship is so one sided and he wants me to stop, drop and roll for him but he's not there for me. He always states that no matter what, he can always get me back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 5:31pm
I think you need to find someone better. I was in a similar relationship once and he had the means, but it was like my money was OUR money and his money was HIS money. I always paid for everything. And he also made me feel like I couldn't do any better than him. If he loves you he will not treat you like this. I am serious. Life is to short, and I had to learn the hard way, but now I found someone that loves and respects me and he also pays for alot. He makes sure I am takin care of. And it feels good to now someone has your back if you need it.
Avatar for bearkizz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:48pm
You are being taken for granted by a person that "sounds" too selfish to ever give you what you desire...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:55pm
You clearly know what's going on here, you clearly know it's not right and you clearly recognize that this is not what healthy, caring relationships are. In other words, you know you're being treated poorly, are in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you, but is using you, you know this is no relationship. You also don't like it and aren't happy. And yet.... you can't let go because you can't stand the thought of someone else with him. Logic should be telling you that the single female population is thanking you for keeping him out of the dating pool, but then if you were thinking logically you'd know that what you're seeing is the real him and isn't going to change.

My guess is that what you're really thinking is that one day he'll wake up and realize that his behavior is wrong, he'll totally turn himself around into the kind, loving, caring guy you just know is in there (you've seen glimpses from time to time) and you just can't stand the thought of you putting up with all this crap, breaking up with him only to have him make this miraculous change after you break up and some other woman will get the benefit of all the hard work you've done. Am I close? Know why I know? Because it's how I felt about my exhusband who treated me lousy and whom I was miserable with. I was so busy trying to work on making things better that I forgot to pay attention to ME. Years - and I do mean YEARS - later I realized nothing had changed except a lot of years of my life had gone by and I'd been miserable in them. Those years had been wasted, and nobody wasted them but me. It's time for you to wake up and see things as they are. You're being treated badly and you are the one who's allowing it to happen AND allowing it to continue. You can't control him and you can't change him, the only person you have control over is you. Have enough self respect and dignity to refuse to allow yourself to be treated like this by ANYONE. Send him packing and don't look back. If he hooks up with someone else they deserve your pity, nothing more, because they'll be treated just the same way he treated you. You deserve better than this, only you can give it to yourself.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:54am
Break the pattern, or move on. It's not all his fault things are like this, it really does take two to tango. But ask yourself why he would want to rock this very comfy little boat? You need to be willing to risk him leaving and let him know things are not going to continue as they are. If he repeats his line about how many other women are just waiting for you to disappear, just let him know that may be true but what you have is not good enough for you anymore, and then stick to your guns. I think if you spent some time away from him, you'd see everything much more clearly. Remember there are plenty of good guys out there who won't take you for granted like this.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 4:11pm
I really want to say to all of you T H A N K Y O U!!!!!! It took a lot for me to let this stituation go but I've had enough of these childish games. Yesterday, he was upset because I caught a ride from a male friend to get my car out of the shop that was over 15 miles from where I was at and he wouldn't help me but insisted that if he was in that situation, he wouldn't have turned to another woman for help. I'm finally going to let this situation go!!! Does it hurt? yes, do I want to go back to my familar situation and surroundings? yes. but I know i'm much, much better than this. I deserve to be treated with respect and like a lady. If I can't get it from him, i'll get it from someone else.

Tonight, i'm putting the kids to sleep, pulling out some wine and planning a nice hot, candle lit bubble bath with soft music. "just for myself!" I'm going to learn to enjoy me first! I consider myself a precious jewel and I won't be scarred by him and his stupid ways.

Thanks again, I really needed to wake up to reality!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 5:46pm
Now you're talking! Yes, do some good things for yourself for a change, treat yourself the way you want others to treat you!!! It isn't selfish to do that, it's good for you! It's perfectly okay to realize he is not good enough for you. He cannot change who he IS, but he can change his behavior. Good luck.

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:26pm
WOO HOO! GOOD FOR YOU! You definately DO NOT deserve to be treated like he was treating you. Life with him would have been (and was) ridiculous! He made life harder for you and put you down in the process. You light those candles, put your feet up and sip that wine, you deserve to be nice to yourself!

You might do well to make a detailed list of the things he's done that hurt you, are wrong, etc. and tuck it away. I'm hearing you say a part of you wants to go back to what's familiar, and I know time has a way of softening just how bad things were, if/when you're tempted to start back up on that dead end road of a relationship with him, pulling out that list and reading in your own words exactly how bad it was will remind you fully of what and why you're gone.

One of these days you're going to look back at the time you spent with him, shake your head and wonder why in the world you'd have stayed in such a miserable situation. You'll thank your stars you had the good sense to get out and stay out. Go get yourself a good relationship, now that you know what you WON'T put up with, the choices will be easier. You won't *believe* the difference a good relationship will make. It's what you've known all along could be and should be. You'll find out you were right all along -- I did!

So glad you've taken this positive step for yourself. Stay strong and check back in if you're feeling weak, we'll shake you up!

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"