Am I Being Too Hard on Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Am I Being Too Hard on Him?
12
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 3:15pm

My guy has a lot going for him, but he also was married for 25+ years to a beautiful woman who comes up in conversation all of the time. She died after a 4-year illness about five years ago. Lately, I've been feeling jealous about his memories.

Last week, we were making love and he told me about when he tied his (now deceased) wife to the bed and made love to her while someone else watched.

Recently, we had been scouting for a bar that had a pool table, and decided to go to one in town here. He had formerly rented it out and engaged a band for a professional function. He had told me that the drummer took a shining to his wife and he had to have a stern talk with him.

Well, last night we went to the bar and I heard the story again. I felt a little insecure all night. I know she was prettier than I am and here we were, in the same place.

There were two girls making out at the next pool table who later left, to our surprise, with males. We were talking about this on the way home and I told him how a girl and I used to just "play" (this was when I was 20) but were, in truth, heterosexual. He started talking about how his wife and her friend seemed gay but weren't. Then he told me he had made love to his wife in the same bed as her friend (who was making love with another guy) and that he had had a date with her friend but had switched to being with his wife because "this was where I was supposed to be." I told him curtly that I had heard enough about his wife and he defended his conversation, saying he was not going to deny that part of himself and it was such a big part of his experience that I should just be a friend and listen.

Am I crazy to be jealous of a dead woman? He swears he is over her; he swears he is "available". But I often feel I am just the consolation prize.

Last night, I got incredibly enraged and he left. I'm not even sure we still are going to have a relationship. I'm embarrassed of my actions, but I still feel he was very insensitive.

I really need a few opinions on this.

--recreating

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:35pm

Yesterday, he did call me very early, having gone without sleep the night before, he said, and apologize quite profusely and genuinely for hurting me and for bringing up inappropriate topics concerning his wife and him. I'm happy he did this, since it shows that he has come to an understanding about it, but I feel very cautious. I have seen the behavior where he reacts quite defensively and then comes to an epiphany and changes courses a few times over the period of our relationship. So maybe things will look up from here. I am just not sure.

It hurts me when he speaks of her with a certain admiring and adoring tone in his voice.

I will be speaking to him in detail about these issues. I have not discussed it in depth yet, but I wrote it out. I am nervous about it, since he has a very hot temper and becomes defensive.

To me, he does not seem to be "over her". I am trying to process this in a positive way, as HIS battle to fight and not by attempting to live up to her standard, but it's not always easy!

--recreating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:25pm
It's understandable that you'd feel hurt. You can't compete with her, and if you could I doubt that you'd want to (at least I'd never compete with some other woman for a man); you can't measure up to a memory. With his comments and verbalized memories, you have to feel second best, there's no question that if she were still alive he'd be with her. Asking him to stuff it only means it'll go underground, but it'll still be there. It's not that you're asking him to stop loving her memory, but I think if he'd gotten to the point that he accepted her absence and was ready to move on, he wouldn't be making the constant comments, they would be sweet memories, but not strong enough for him to feel the need to verbalize them, you know?


Good luck on your talk, I hope it goes well. Let us know ~







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