Am I being unresonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Am I being unresonable?
30
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 11:47am
I really don't know what to do about this situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 2:04pm

Yes, I think you're being unreasonable.

I think you're trying to dictate/judge the relationship this guy has with his kids. 17 year old girls do weird things that their fathers will never understand, even though they try to be good dads by taking them shopping, to concerts, etc. You're nitpicking his family situation (that existed long before you were in his life) way too much, and if you want to get along with a man who also has children, and his own way of parenting, you will have to learn to live with that or leave if it bothers you too much.

I don't think it's unreasonable for a dad to have alone time with his kids. You're not their mother, you're not married to him. You haven't even been dating him a very long time. I think you should back off a little bit and just let him be the dad he needs to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 4:50pm

If you aren't comfortable with this situation you do not need to tolerate it. When you were describing it something does seem a little off, but then again she's 17 yo and they can be a little off sometimes. I think before you can do anything you have to decide if you can accept what is. If you can't accept it then that's your answer, you can't accept it so you need to leave the relationship.

But if you want to be with him you'll probably have to give him some room here. If all the other kids are comfortable, that's great. It doesn't mean the older kids will behave like the younger kids. If you don't put yourself in competition with her for his attentions, then it'll probably resolve itself. If you do put yourself in competition with her while trying to maintain a committed relationship to him, you've created a no-win situation for at least one of you. If you want to be included, accept the offer to be included even if it comes after the fact. If you want the three of you to do something else to bond, suggest it. If you want to get closer to her, come up with a way to do that. I don't think you can get him have some sort of talk with her that is going to suddenly make her accept you. You can talk to your SO and figure out ways you can be a team in figuring out how to have a blended family with one resistant family member.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 9:34pm

I think you may be over reacting... Teens are always difficult to deal with, whether you are the parent, or dating the parent. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to be there for her, spending time with her to be a positive influence. If he is worried over her behavior lately, then he would especially want to be there for her, hoping to lead her in a better direction. He probably wants to fix her awkwardness with you, but is doing so in his own way, on his own time. Which is his right as her parent.



Rather than try to compete with her, or allowing yourself to feel left out (like a girl who is sad she is not invited to the slumber party), you should focus on what you can do to lessen this tension between you two

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 1:08am
Welcome to the board, Gal_casper01 ~

What you're thinking is indeed reasonable, the problem is a 17-year old girl is not. As the mother of an 18-year old daughter I can say that with certainty. Insisting she's fat when she's anything but is par for the course. Seeming to do the opposite of what you say or want is absolutely to be expected. I used to enjoy clothes shopping with my daughter - until these last few years. Now, whatever I say is cute is awful. I've learned to keep my mouth shut and let her find the clothes, she picks what i liked if I don't tell her I like it. *argh!* Standoffish....my daughter went away to college a month ago; a few weeks ago my husband and I ran into her best friend in a store. We chatted for a bit and I snapped her picture with my phone and sent it to my daughter thinking she'd text back "eeee! You're with Amy!" Wrong. The text I got back said, "awkward". Poor Amy having to be with us, don't you know. Just a little glimpse into life normal with an older teen girl.

I get why your boyfriend wants to do things with her, and why he wants to do things alone. Yes, she feels uncomfortable around both of you because she's not close to you. He wants to build and maintain his relationship with her, not alienate her or give her reasons to avoid him. It's hard enough to maintain a relationship with an older teen girl as a physical custody parent, he's got it rougher as distance is not just the typical teen stuff but physical distance as well. He keeps on working with her, having his 8-year old wait because he doesn't have to work to gain a relationship with his 8-year old, that relationship is in the bag. As to why your kids are comfortable around him and she's not comfortable around you, I'd say your kids had the benefit of living one-on-one with your boyfriend, she doesn't. Though honestly, I can't say it would be any better with her if she did live there. You've reached the point where she doesn't want to admit to having parents, parents with girlfriends/boyfriends are embarrassing, not cool. Basically, whatever the circumstance is will be an embarrassment to her. You know that Murphy law "whatever you do will be wrong"? That's life with an older teen girl.

I'm assuming you're not concerned that your boyfriend giving you multiple reasons for taking his daughter to this concert suggests anything inappropriate between them, right? If you are concerned about that, then please set me straight. Assuming that you're not concerned about that, I would agree that he should have been straight with you the first time, but I would expect he gave these reasons because they're all part of the truth. He wants to do this to maintain and build his relationship with her, he doesn't want to alienate her further by putting you in the picture and making the experience uncomfortable or negative for her. Yes, it's lousy that he's jumping through hoops to try to make a moody, dramatic, unreasonable teenager happy. But in his position, he doesn't have the luxury that a custodial parent has of saying "live with it", knowing she's still going to be there in the house, at the dinner table, coming home from school...know what I mean? She's old enough to decide she really doesn't want to take the time to see your boyfriend. As hard as it is, I would try to get a real tough hide where this girl is concerned. Try to understand that your boyfriend wants to chase this relationship and let it go at that. Think about it this way: sooner or later she'll get to know you without it being forced; in the meantime you'll miss all the stuff you noticed on vacation - and a lot more. I would also see if you can't get an agreement with your boyfriend that from now on he's completely honest with you about what he does with his daughter, no excuses or hedging on the reason. In exchange you'll work to be understanding and won't make him regret his honesty. Remind him that this is new territory for you and you won't get it perfect but you'll be trying and you'll listen objectively to what he has to say.

All in all, this is really a hard time age-wise to be coming into her life.















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 4:47am

This is not his child. She's the daughter of someone he could not have been with all that long, years ago. This relationship is suspicious.



I think that maybe you should have him leave the house where your own children live until it's sorted out. I guess you could check out websites or see a counselor for professional guidance. Any errors in judgement should lean to protecting your children. This was way too soon to move in with him, you didn't know him well enough. Good luck.






Edited 10/2/2010 11:54 pm ET by darling.carly
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 8:04am
Brilliant post...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sat, 09-25-2010 - 6:08pm
Hello Darling.Carly!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 09-26-2010 - 9:46am
I read it that way, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 2:30am
I don't think you're in the minority, my guess is that everyone saw it. But, since she didn't actually say that was the basis of her concern, I chose to respond from the aspect of teen issues in general, stating I was assuming she was not concerned about it being a sexual/inappropriate relationship, asking that she let us know if that is indeed what her concern is.























"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Mon, 09-27-2010 - 6:41am
I was hoping no one would was going to comment on there being something more to him spending time like this with his 17-year old step daughter as that would have allowed me to get that thought out of my head, but unfortuneately I see that some of you had had that feeling.

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