Am I being unresonable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Am I being unresonable?
30
Fri, 09-24-2010 - 11:47am
I really don't know what to do about this situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 12:16pm
Trust your gut. Be prepared for him to deny, deny, deny. Stay firm in the realization that just because he denies or tells you you're crazy doesn't mean it's not true, it just means he's turning it on you.

A therapist once told me something about dealing with situations and others that I think will make perfect sense to you. She said, "When something doesn't make sense to you it's not because you don't get it, it's because it doesn't make sense". Gal_casper, you can't make sense out of something that doesn't add up. Those who are doing those things will have stories to explain it to you, but it won't quite come together for you. Why? Because it's not true and the explanation doesn't gel because it can't. I learned that when a situation doesn't make sense and the explanation doesn't help you understand, it's a red flag. It's not that you're stupid or dense, it's that the situation is suspect and the explanation is a cover. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.



















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 3:40pm
...an afterthought. Doesn't it seem like a man would WANT an adult female accompanying him in an overnight hotel stay with two teenage girls? For his protection, if nothing else. He should want there to be absolutely no reason for suspicion or accusation. I know my husband wouldn't consider doing this on his own. Way too much liability; he wants to be above suspicion, not create a situation that opens him up to it.























"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 5:38pm
It's really sad that a man should have to feel like he can't be alone around his own daughter. Not saying it's not warranted in this case, but what a sad age in which to be a father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:46pm
I'm afraid I'm going to have to chime in here and say that as a mom when I read the entire post, nothing was suggested to me. A huge red flag went up, and alarm bells went off. If my dh was that interested in my dd and she was 18, something would not be *right*, and he is a step dad. This other womans children if they live in
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 8:56pm

No this is not normal behavior. I know you mentioned that you have children of your own, please be proactive and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-29-2010 - 11:10pm

But this actually isn't his DD--it's his stepD from his previous marriage. I think if it was his DD people wouldn't be as suspicious (I know I wouldn't anyway).

I do remember when I got divorced, my kids would spend every other weekend w/ their dad. One time, my DD wanted to bring a friend over for the weekend. I think they were in middle school age at the time. The girl's mom called me to kind of feel things out and I was kind of insulted because I felt like "gee, do you really think my ex is a child abuser?" She did actually know him because he would come to our girls' soccer games, so he wasn't a stranger. But she did feel better when I explained that he was living w/ his GF so there would be a woman in the house too. So I agree w/ the previous poster that a guy taking 2 teenage girls & staying in a hotel really isn't a very smart idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:17am
In a case that isn't already highly suspect, it wouldn't be the daughter that's the issue, it's her teenage girlfriend. My husband took our then 17-year old daughter (his step daughter, whom he's been a father to for nearly ten years) on an overnight trip last summer to meet with a college coach in another city. He had no qualms about doing this and neither did I. If this were a trip where he was taking our daughter and another teenage girl and he would be sharing a hotel room with them, he would not be comfortable with that and I wouldn't want him to be in that position.

I don't think it's a terrible time to be a father. Putting yourself in inappropriate, concerning and suspicious situations is foolish (to put it lightly) whether you're a parent or not.





















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



Photobucket





Photobucket










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:28am
obviously I don't know the situation with your DD's friend, but unless this other mom knew you and your ex on a more personal level, I think asking about your ex is a perfectly appropriate thing to do. Just because he came to soccer games doesn't mean anything, just because he seemed nice and appropriate at those soccer games means nothing. She would have no idea how he was at home, with the kids, or why you divorced him, for that matter. who knows, maybe you divorced him because he had teenage girlfriends but you still didn't have a problem with him having your DD overnight (seems stupid, but you and I both know there are people out there who wouldn't get that it's not okay). We also know there are plenty of people who appear fine that aren't and you can't tell by looking at them or interacting with them on a limited basis.

I would have understood perfectly if a mom called me with questions/concerns about her daughter sleeping overnight at your ex's house. Plus, junior high - ack, such a hard time! It's the age where you no longer know the parents of your kids' friends, letting them go into 'unknown' situations is so hard!





















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



Photobucket





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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2010
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 10:11am
Believe me!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2010 - 1:17pm
I'm sorry about your personal experience, Gal_casper, nobody should have to go through that. I suspect your disclosure may cause some to question whether your past is bleeding into your suspicions here. Personally, I think the facts are the facts and whether or not you have had this experience what you've outlined creates some huge red flags. I can't say looking at her FB pictures would make me suspect anything, but if it's a common occurrence, then yes, it would raise concerns. I would wonder though, if your past might have had something to do with you choosing this guy to begin with (subconsciously, of course). It's not uncommon.

I agree with you that you can't identify who these people are by their looks or their actions to the outside world. Wouldn't it be nice if they were easy to identify! I suspect this does happen more than it used to for social reasons (we sex up our kids at an early age and make it acceptable), but I also think it's much more open than it used to be. If a kid in the 60s or prior was abused, it was kept quiet. That makes today's cases seem to be much greater than in years gone by.

At work I see cases with everything from horrific pedophiles to coaches who fondle teen team members. Those who were known to the parents were trusted by the.

This is tough, I know. Hugs, Gal_casper, keep us posted.















"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown



Photobucket





Photobucket










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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