Am I Just Being Too Hard???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Am I Just Being Too Hard???
14
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 2:08pm

Ok, so I posted a couple weeks back regarding my SO spending too much and of course it turned out to be so much more. Well, we had another arguement last night, mostly me instigating, which I did not mean to do.


What happened was the other night I asked him how much "stuff" he had left and he said he just had a little and he said that was it no more. I know better than that. So, then yesterday he asked to borrow my card, I said I didn't want to see him put more than 5 on it if all he was getting was a drink and something else it should not be more than that. Well, later I check my account and he spent under that at one store and went to another store and spent a small amount. It was a little over five. That wasn't the issue. the issue is I know what he did. He bought what he said he was going to buy at one store, then went to another to buy what he needed for his "stuff".


Well I called him after work and jokingly said he owed me a dollar. Then he said yeah he went to both stores to get more black and milds because he realized it was cheaper at the other store. LIE LIE LIE!!!. That means he should have had about 4 of them total. So, then I made a comment about why didn't he just go to the other store to begin with if he knew they were cheaper there. I know he bought the bad stuff at one store and his black and milds at the other because he did not buy a drink like he said. So then he blew up about why i'm asking and it's like I don't trust him and how he was going to just have his own space so he doesn't get questioned anymore blah blah blah.


I got upset because if he is even mentioning how it seems like I don't trust him then he must have not listened to me when I flat out told him I don't trust him the other night. Figures. So, I get mad and go home barely talked to him. Then i'm on the phone and he hands me my purse so I could give him the change I have to buy another black and mild. ???? Remeber, I said he should have had about 4 from earlier. And he does not smoke that many in the little amount of time that he supposedly bought them. That only tells me that the first two trips he only bought maybe two and the rest was the bad stuff that I don't like. Already, lying again.


So, after I get off the phone I notice that he left his phone next to me. I checked the messages of course and of course was right on point. He was already texting our neighbor all week saying he was going to buy the pot today, because he gets paid today. Surprise surprise. So, I go to the office and he's of course got this cat who ate the canary smile and I knew something was up already because as soon as I got home he was loving and doting. So he asks what's up and I just gave him the look and said, "It's funny how you needed change to buy what you should have bought earlier." So that started it off. Turned into him saying how I keep giving him an ultimatum and how I don't understand and had the nerve to say i'd rather him smoke what can kill him instead of smoking pot. ??????


I was infuriated because he knows how much I have tried helping him quit smoking. I don't push it on him, but when he talks about wanting to quit I try helping him and i'm always buying him the gum and patches and I buy them after I ask I don't do it without telling him. Yet, he wants to sit there saying i'd rather him smoke that just because I don't like pot. So, then he starts going off on how that's all he has and that we don't ever do anything or go out and so he just gets away by smoking because it helps calm him and ease his mind from his troubles. That i'll never get it. I just could not believe him so I told him to do him after a

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 3:22pm
That did it for me. He knows very well that growing up with my dads addiction and my grandfathers addiction and watching my mom just sit there and do nothing is one of the main reasons his addictions and habits anger me.



You put yourself in the same position as your mother. And you are trying to repeat history but have a new outcome by "doing something" as opposed to your mother who "did nothing." I think the problem is that addictions are not fixed by the addicted persons spouse "doing something."



You can't fix him. No amount of trying hard or not trying at all will correct his problems. You have put yourself in a no-win situation because no matter what you do you are going to be like your mother, married to someone with the same problem as your dad and your grandfather. And THAT is going to anger and frustrate you, based on your statement above.



The only thing you can do to fix it is not be married to an addict, which means not being married to THIS addict or any other addict. That's the only way to not end up like your mother.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-14-2010 - 4:37pm

Elle_elle's previous post on the subject can be found here:


He Spends Too Much!!!!


Elle, I'm peeking in from work and won't be able to respond until tonight, but I wanted to provide the link to your previous post for anyone who may not be aware or who may want a refresher on specifics.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 12:22am

Read Harmony's post over and over. It is on the spot, seriously.

You may love him, but if you feel that if everyday of your married life (you're dating if I remember?) would be like it was the past few days, would you marry him? Because marriage will magnify that x10000.

Sure you may love him, but if you don't like exactly who he is the way he is right now (the lying, the going behind your back, the pot smoking, the other smoking, the untrustworthy feeling), then you USE YOUR HEAD, and not let your heart lead. Because from a logistical and common sense stand point, he is clearly not the right person for you. Nothing is every remedied, he is going to be who he is. Period. Don't let history repeat itself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 1:50am
No you're not being difficult here. You're living in a situation that you cannot accept, pure and simple. You're struggle is you don't want to live with an active addict and you're trying to change the addict when the only person you can change is yourself. Your choices are as follows:
Accept him happily as he is
Accept that living with an addict isn't acceptable to you and move on.
Again, Elle, all you can change is you. Can you accept living with an addict? I don't think so - you've been trying and it hasn't worked out for you. It's pretty uncomfortable, isn't it? Going through the motions of accepting a behavior you don't accept always is.

You feel like you come after his addictions because you do come after his addictions. To an addict, the source of his addiction is always #1. Being grateful that he keeps his addictions at home rather than out on the town is a pretty small thing to be grateful for. It would be more if being out on the town was the problem, but it's not, the pot is, right? You're absolutely right, it's a lose-lose.

I do understand how hard it is to struggle with this, but arguing with him is really worthless, so is getting hung up in his "you don't trust me" statements. The intent of making the statements is to take the focus off the pot and onto you defending your reasons for lack of trust. Of course he knows you don't trust him, you have no reason to trust him.

A lots being avoided here - an affair that was swept under the rug, not addressed, an active addition that you two are dancing around with, and all the lies that go along with protecting his addiction.

The bottom line is black and white: What are you willing to have in your life? Can you happily accept him as he is? Can you happily live the rest of your life like this?

Most people don't make changes until the situation they're in becomes uncomfortable enough that they're forced to do it. Seems like things are getting pretty uncomfortable for you.

I can't help but notice that as much as you hated your childhood situation, you, like millions of other people, have found themselves in the exact situations they swore they'd never be in. It's not surprising that you'd choose what subconsciously you were most comfortable (familiar) with. Have you considered seeing a therapist to take a deeper look at the choices you've made, what caused you to make them and what you want for your life? I think it would be a very good thing. There you'll understand what brought you to where you are today, will come to realize what it is you want for you life and what the right path for you to make is and will be able to make that choice whatever it is, knowing you're doing the absolute right thing for yourself.









"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 4:15am
You may be exactly right. It's certainly a very typical pattern to follow a parent who frustrated or disappointed you by trying to repeat the situation and get it right.

It may also be she learned to look for addicts by having them as role models. She may have hated them, but she grew up learning how to be in relationships with them. Those are the situations she's comfortable in, she learned how to deal with those kinds of situations. That's another very typical pattern to fall into.

Whatever the case, you're absolutely right, the only thing she can do is not be married to an addict.











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 7:35am

It doesn't have to be either/or, it's probably both and a few other things too. I could provide a list of things that explain how I subconciously picked my ex-husband because he was the logical choice given all my experiences, even though he was completely wrong for me as a partner. Though the other case to be made is he was the perfect match for me to figure out all of these really important issues and end up in a place where I had to deal with them, because that is the only way healing could ever happen was to have my issues cause enough problems that I would have to face them. He went from feeling like a good match for me when we married to a completely awful match for me when we divorced, and that happened because *I* changed, and I changed because I was in a relationship with him.

I'm sure being in a relationship with my second husband is changing me too, but in a positive direction this time because I was ready for that.

Anyway, the point of my post was not to suggest that was the *only* reason she chose a relationship with an addict, just that it's one of them, and that if she stays she'll end up angry and frustrated because ultimatly she won't be able to "do anything" just like her mother. The "do something" she's looking for starts with packing her bags.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 11:37am

Yep, there are likey








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 5:25pm

You all hit it right on the dot. My mom was a strong woman, but she had such a high tolerance for my fathers alcohol abuse. He always promise he would quit when they had kids. He never did. He still drink till this day and she's given up a long time ago. I know growing up being in that environment, i've learned to cope with the addiction and that's why I cope now. My tolerance and patience are so high that

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 6:30pm

I would argue that you are actually much more experienced with addiction than he is. Addiction isn't one person's problem, it ruins the lives of everyone who love them.

It is very, very, very hard to leave someone who you love. When you break up your feelings don't just sever immediately, you continue to love them until you fully heal and you suffer with that pain, knowing that being together is not right for you.

I am glad you have come to terms with the relationship you and your mother had with your father's alcoholism. You understand it very well. I've read in many places that we often seek people with negative traits of our parents like being controlling or having addictions, because subconsciously we want to rectify things by reliving our childhood experience as an adult, or even more simply, because that environment is what we are most comfortable with. Your mother probably wished for a long time that she could help your father and that if she tried hard enough, and if he could only wake up and see what he was doing, things would be happy. That's the kind of denial we're in when we are in love with an addict. You know firsthand the result of that.

Trying to reason with an addict (a severe addict, like this man) is not talking to a person, it's trying to reason with an addiction. An addiction will do anything in its power to maintain itself, no matter who it hurts or lies to. He is trying to convince you that you are the one at fault. You know he has no agenda to quit. You are right, eventually the resent will overpower your love and it will be very difficult to stay (even more so than now). There is nothing that destroys a relationship faster or more thoroughly than Resent.

You know this already... To continue this relationship would be agonizing for you. If you didn't love him, this would be an easy decision, but it's not easy, and knowing that you have to leave in order to save yourself and the rest of your life doesn't make it easier to pull away.

I hope you find the strength to do it soon. I hope that someday the pain you feel now is something you look back on, rather than continue to live with. I highly, highly suggest that in your future relationships, you look for signs of addiction before anything else and make it into an Immediate Deal-Breaker. Good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 8:53pm
I know he thinks i'm trying to change who he is, and maybe I'm not seeing it that way and it really is what I am doing. I'm not trying to though.



Maybe if he tried being more responsible and more helpful I could atleast say yeah he smokes and I don't like it, but at least he's doing other things that I like and he's responsible.



Do you see the contradiction in these two statements? On one hand you don't want to change him or for him to think that and you aren't trying to, but you wish for him to change, and are also angry and frustrated and feeling resentful that he isn't changing.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

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