am I just feeling sorry for myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
am I just feeling sorry for myself?
7
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 11:13am
Hi there. Been a while scince I've been on here, I need some more input. I won't go into too much detail. About a week ago me and my boyfriend (we live together) had discussion about respect towards me. I just thought we'll wait and see how his actions are. Well its been a week and yester day when I got home his ex called about the time he was to pick up the child at the beinning of dec. I thought she was talking about another weekend. See I didnt know about the dec weekend, last i heard we werent going to his xmas party. I was confused at the end of the conversation. She knows something I dont, He got home and then asked if we all wanted to go to this party, its for kids too. I said sure if its not open bar with kids there. Then told him his ex called, he said he knew he called her on the way home cause she left a message on his cell. Things didnt sit right so I asked him what time he called her and he said bout 4pm. I asked how she knew of this xmas party weekend, then he said he called her in the am also. I talked to him twice that day and he never mentioned a thing about it to me. Thanked him for making me sound like a fool on the phone with his ex, he actually laughed. And said "I didnt think she'd phone here." Then he apologized. I'm so angry right now I want to scream at him that he might as well go by himself cause he sure isnt thinking of me. I dont want to go to this at all now anymore. Disregard things like this happen regularily and I'm not happy. I'd really like to know what this looks like in anothers eyes. I think anymore this guy wants a family but not a relationship. Thanks for your opinions ahead of time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 4:01pm

Lilylover, personally, I don't see that this one incident is a big deal, it may not have been something that was planned in advance and was discussed with his ex simply because he talked to her before he talked to you. But, your post suggests that there is a history of problems regarding respect and if that's so, understanding more about your relationship and the history in it could change my thoughts on this one incident a lot.


You indicate that you've been here before, but your name doesn't sound familiar and I don't find any previous posts from you. Did you post under a different name? I'm hoping you'll repost with a previous name so we can pull up previous posts and better understand your situation or give us more history so we can address the issue you posted today more correctly.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:44pm

It sounds like there is more to your feelings than just this one incident.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 12:16pm
Hi there, guess I was too vague and it sounded pretty petty hey. I dont mind him talking to his ex he does all the time. My problem is that we decided not to go to this party, then one morning at work a co worker told him kids could go so he took it apon himself to arrange all, before talking to me. Like he does regularily, he cancels and plans things as to what he sees fit and when, disregarding me and the kids feelings, he does it, then asks, and if we show any disagreement he gets mad at us. Was told yesterday his boss told him it wasnt for kids like we knew anyways. Its like he decides things with other people then he lets me know. I think he has a controlling personality, and he contradicts things he says so much its like he's lying, and its like he is so self absorbed that he doesnt remember much that ive told him or we've talked about, he has gotten angry at me many times for him not remembering stuff. I had to stab him with words, I was so hurt, almost at my witts end i guess, I'd love to feel #1 in his life anymore, just once. And I dont want to go to this party cause of the fact, and to harshly stand my ground, to make him think about it all, he says actions speek louder than words, so i'm shouting loud and rude, this seems to be the only way he hears me. Its been a real rocky road and I just dont know where its going to end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 12:22pm

It sounds like he's inconsiderate and doesn't respect you as a signifcant person in his life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 2:58am

Aha, giving us some background of what's gone on in your relationship made a big difference in how this situation is viewed! Based on what you've said, my previous post doesn't apply.

I agree with Firstamendment, and would ask the same questions she does.


The short answer is that if he has a habit of changing plans without consulting you, I would stop accepting it. Plan what you want from the start, and/or plan whatever the original plan you had with him was. When he changes it without consulting you, simply continue with the original plan, the one you'd agreed to in the first place. He has no right to expect everyone to jump and change because he says so; you're right, it's disrespectful to you. It's beyond disrespectful to continue to happen. Simply decide what you'll do on your own and don't change it. If he wants to decide to do something else, that's fine, he's free to do that, but you're going to continue to do what you'd planned regardless. This has to be done without anger, nasty words or any hint of retaliation. A smile on your face, a calm demeanor and expression is necessary. The key is you're not trying to get back at him, you're trying to take control of your own life. You're not teaching him a lesson, you're taking charge of your own choices. If he doesn't like it, too bad. The result will be a lot less frustration on your part because it won't matter what he does, you'll still be quite aware and in control of what you're doing. However, your actions won't change him and won't make you any more respected or considered.


"i guess, I'd love to feel #1 in his life anymore, just once." Lilylover, you should be #1 in the life of the man you're in a relationship you're in. No one should settle for less than that. So why do you stay in a relationship where you aren't first, aren't respected, aren't considered? Why would you accept so much less than what's acceptable?


"...he says actions speek louder than words..." and he's right, they do. His actions are clearly saying he doesn't consider you and doesn't respect you.


"Its been a real rocky road and I just dont know where its going to end." Why hang onto a relationship that doesn't give you what you want or even the basics of what any partner should have? By your own admission it's been rocky and as long as you stay in this relationship, that's not going to change.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 10:30am
Hi there, thanks for your input. I have been thinking those same things you talked about. We moved in together a few months ago, I find his real person is coming out now. And I have a problem with speaking when I should. We've been through issuses and he has been trying but there still is more to go. Problem is its one thing after another I'm finding anymore. Lastnight my son and I got home same time, so met us at the door. He started nagging at my son, then continues lecturing. And my son argues with him too, they both like to argue. Later my so went on and on about my son again, he has to here it then I do. Told him he is the adult, he should know when to stop. See if I ever disagree with him bout my son he gets ticked, so I let him get ticked now. Seems like he has to be at someone all the time. He has issues from his childhood that he has to deal with and forgive but he wont at this point. We talk some about it but it has to be more and the problem there is I'm not a talker. I have been really trying lately but its so hard at times. Moving in together is like marraige to me, we made a commitment, I wont just throw in the towel. Its only been a few months, but if things do not get straightened out I won't stay with him. I love him so, it hurts when he does these things. So if it continues I wont live like that. Begining to wonder if its me and I ask for too much in a relationship. I shake my head and say no now, why should I feel so bad in my own home so much, not the life I want for me and my son(he's 12). Wish me luck and the courage to talk more to him. I'm sure I'll be back to vent and see what all you think. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:26am

I can understand wanting to give a relationship your full effort, and I agree when it's a healthy relationship, but it sounds like your boyfriend does not and has not respected you, why would you continue to live with a man like that? Considering that this is his issue, isn't something you can "fix" or stop, why would you stay with a guy who doesn't see you as an equal partner? I don't think that's a "teachable" thing, you know? Certainly you can feel little respect for someone you just met, but that can change as you get to know them. I'd expect your boyfriend has known you for some time, certainly enough time to have come to the conclusion about you that he's going to.


The other serious concern I would have is putting my child in an environment where he is yelled at and blamed. Add growing up in an environment like that to observing his mother staying with a man who doesn't respect her has great potential to do two things: have your son grow up to repeat the cycle he's watching being played out (not respecting women, treating women in his life as your boyfriend does you) and have your son lose respect for you as he watches you stay.


You didn't ask but based on the information you've given I vote hold your head up high, tell your boyfriend you will not stay in a relationship where you are not respected and leave without looking back. I think this is a serious situation.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"