Am I overreacting?
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| Mon, 09-11-2006 - 3:10pm |
I haven't posted much before, but heaven help me I need some input. This is one of those things I would have gone to my mother with, but for reasons I won't get into, that isn't possible. I'm hoping somebody here can help me, or help talk me down....
My husband did something that has creeped me out and I need to know if I'm overreacting. We've been having some trouble in the sex department recently and we've been trying to have an open discussion about it, tell each other what we like, and experiment. We had pretty good sex last night and then went to sleep. This morning he told me that, about three in the morning while I was still sleeping, he did some things to me. The way he told me made me think he saw absolutely nothing wrong with what he did. But I'm not talking about a few caresses to see if I'd wake up. I didn't wake up, and what he did to me was a hell of a lot more than a few caresses. I really feel what he did required some consent from me. He said I "enjoyed" it, but I wasn't awake AT ALL. You see I have a back condition and I'm on some pretty heavy pain meds. I think that's why I didn't wake up. He knew I was taking these meds, and he didn't stop.
I'm really shook up about this. Am I losing it over nothing?

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Heck no, you are so not losing it over nothing. When you have sexual relations with someone without their consent, that's rape. When you are so doped on pain meds and so sound asleep that you don't wake up, that's not "enjoying" it, that's being unconscious. It would BEYOND creep me out that that had happened. And that he's justifying it by saying you were enjoying it? Sex is about the BOTH of you, not just him. I would want to know how many other times he had done this. Because I doubt it's the first. I would also want to know what was causing the sex issues...
But what he did was WRONG, 100%. And I don't know how I could sleep with him in the same room after this.
(((Hugs)))
Jen
I don't think I'd try and make him feel bad about it, but talk to him and let him know that without your consent, it isn't ok.
Thanks you guys. I don't think he's done this to me before, because he said something to the effect of "trying something new." I think he honestly thought it was a good idea, though I swear I've expressed my distaste over the idea men having sex with sleeping partners whenever the topic has come up on Oprah, or whatever. Since men tend to automatically tune out Oprah and everything related to her, I'm willing to cut him slack on that, lol.
But what really gets me is that the problems we were having in the bedroom had to do with my enjoyment of foreplay, etc. I was trying to communicate to him (at his request) what I like. And then we had had some good sex that evening when I was awake. Not amazing sex, but it was better than it had been in recent weeks. And then a few hours later he goes and molests men in my sleep, for lack of a better way of putting it. He said he was at me the better part of an hour. It was almost as if he had something to prove and my pesky consciousness was getting in the way.
There is a part of me that feels bad. Some of our bedroom problems are the result of me not speaking up and being honest with him earlier. He's also dealing with moderate erectile dysfunction at way too young an age. So I can see that he's having a difficult time and that part of me doesn't want to make him feel bad.
However there is a part of me that is creeped out and LIVID. That part of me is screaming that this isn't rocket science he should have realized that it was not okay to do that. It was as if he regarded me only as an extention of himself, and that he had the right to do things to me without consent. I'm having a great deal of trouble reconciling how he could have come to the conclusion it was okay to do that!
I don't know how to talk to him about it when he comes home. He's got an awful temper, and he's going to immediately go on the defensive, no matter now nicely I try to bring it up.
That's a tough one to answer. If I were in the reverse position and my girlfriend did things that I would normally object to if I were awake, I would probably feel violated. However if she did things that normally I would approve of and enjoy, then I really wouldn't have any problem with that and I consider my body hers for the asking whenever she likes, whether I am awake or not. But that is only my own opinion and can't be generalized to everyone. In my relationship, and keep in mind that this is only for me and you need to make up your own mind what you feel is appropriate, I love the woman that I am with to the highest degree and I trust her implicitly. If she were awake in the middle of the night and feeling the urge, I would want her to enjoy me in any way she chooses as long as the activities were not something I would find offensive and I trust that she would know the difference. Yes, I would prefer to be awake, but if I am not, then she is free to enjoy herself. The question is, would my girlfriend feel the same way in reverse? I have initiated some caressing and such in the middle of the night and whenever she rolled away or pulled up the covers, I stopped and took that as a 'no'. There have been other times that she woke up in the midst of my attentions and purred a "that's a nice way to wake up" and things were wonderful.
I guess in your situation with your med's, it puts you in a position that you don't even have the unconscious awareness of being able to pull up the covers or roll away when you aren't interested. My advice would be to talk to him about it. If you find it objectionable, then tell him so and if he really loves you and is any kind of mature man, he will understand and apologize for causing any emotional discomfort over what he did. Let him know how you feel. And maybe before that, make up your mind as to how you feel about it. If you were awake in the middle of the night and feeling aroused, would you find it exciting and appealing to arouse him, even if he didn't wake up? Would you then possibly be tempted to take it further and enjoy his body while he slept? If you answered 'yes' to either of these, then maybe that's what he was doing. If you answered 'no' to both of these, then maybe you need to set up parameters of proper behavior for each other and make it clearly understood that you object to his attentions when you are incapacitated.
Just keep in mind that communication is a cornerstone of any good relationship and people are bound to mis-step on occasion and cause their partner discomfort, whether emotionally or physically. It is a good relationship between two people who can talk to each other about that, feel empathy for each other's feelings, apologize when they have crossed a line as well as understand when someone didn't mean any harm and simply let desire for their partner get the best of them. This all depends on the maturity of both of you as people and the strength of your relationship.
I hope this helped.
What's the cause of the erectile disfunction? Do you know?
Jen
We think the ED is a result of cigarette smoking. He is trying to quit. So far he has cut back smoking drastically, and the ED situation has improved considerably. As far as his temper.... he takes anything that can be construed as criticism on the chin, no matter how constructively worded. He goes instantly on the defensive, and when that happens, he starts yelling and screaming, pointing out all of my flaws and failures. So that I realize I'm not perfect either, I suppose. So you can see we have more problems than what is happening in the bedroom. I had asked him ages ago to see a therapist about his anger, and yesterday morning he finally agreed, which is another reason why I really shouldn't rock the boat.
I have no problem with my husband trying to initiate sex in the middle of the night. I have done the same with him. However, no offense to anybody who feels differently, I have not and would not pursue making love to somebody who is asleep and showing no signs of waking. That is akin to being with somebody who is passed out drunk or drugged- and I was literally medicated. Whatever my physiological response was, I could not give consent because I didn't know wtf was going on. Of course I had a physiological response, he was fingering me for an hour! I've never given him consent to do anything to me when I'm sleeping and it isn't in my nature to want to be less than fully conscious during my sexual encounters (my husband knows there is sexual abuse in my distant past). I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I thought he knew me better than that. He sent me a message: he wants to know how I liked it. It's as if he doesn't get that I couldn't like it or not like it, I was unconsious. I don't even remember it. I do feel violated. And of course he has to work late tonight, so the anticipation can be dragged out unto infinity.....ugh!
Edited 9/11/2006 9:29 pm ET by mrs_janedoe
I would definitely be absolutely clear and direct that I was very disturbed by what he did. If he tries to pass it off as "no big deal" I would let him know very firmly that it was a very big deal to me and that it I felt violated. In this kind of situation, what he feels really doesn't enter into it, it's your body, the only opinion that matters here is yours. It should never happen again, period. Repeat performances will surely damage the trust and security you feel with him. I could see where he might get carried away if you'd just been discussing being freer sexually, but it sounds like he's using this as an "experiment" to prove that your inhibitions get in the way, and using his "findings" against you, and that is not getting caught up in the freer sex thing. I think that makes it a bit creepier. But, let's look at it from his argument's standpoint. If he's looking for sex with a drugged-out unconscious woman, then great for him. But if he wants to have sex with a conscious and willing participant, he'll have to forego the drugged up unconscious person and go with someone who's mind is indeed conscious. That would mean he needs to address finding a way to having fulfilling sex with someone who's alert and awake and forget about focusing on the unconscious.
It sounds like you've got more problems going on sexually though, you indicated you've had problems for the last few weeks, but I get the idea that there have been problems for a lot longer than that? Tell me, what's he doing about his ED problem?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm also concerned about the yelling and verbal attacking that he does. Can you give an example or two of what starts that kind of incident and how it all unfolds - including what kinds of things he says to you?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: "As far as his temper.... he takes anything that can be construed as criticism on the chin, no matter how constructively worded. He goes instantly on the defensive, and when that happens, he starts yelling and screaming, pointing out all of my flaws and failures. So that I realize I'm not perfect either, I suppose. So you can see we have more problems than what is happening in the bedroom. I had asked him ages ago to see a therapist about his anger, and yesterday morning he finally agreed, which is another reason why I really shouldn't rock the boat."
although I'm sure no one will agree with me (usually they don't), I think that anger is the genesis of his ED.
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