Am I overreacting?
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| Mon, 09-11-2006 - 3:10pm |
I haven't posted much before, but heaven help me I need some input. This is one of those things I would have gone to my mother with, but for reasons I won't get into, that isn't possible. I'm hoping somebody here can help me, or help talk me down....
My husband did something that has creeped me out and I need to know if I'm overreacting. We've been having some trouble in the sex department recently and we've been trying to have an open discussion about it, tell each other what we like, and experiment. We had pretty good sex last night and then went to sleep. This morning he told me that, about three in the morning while I was still sleeping, he did some things to me. The way he told me made me think he saw absolutely nothing wrong with what he did. But I'm not talking about a few caresses to see if I'd wake up. I didn't wake up, and what he did to me was a hell of a lot more than a few caresses. I really feel what he did required some consent from me. He said I "enjoyed" it, but I wasn't awake AT ALL. You see I have a back condition and I'm on some pretty heavy pain meds. I think that's why I didn't wake up. He knew I was taking these meds, and he didn't stop.
I'm really shook up about this. Am I losing it over nothing?

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Well, it didn't go as bad as I had anticipated. He picked up that something was wrong and asked, "Did I cross a line?" To which I replied, "Yeah, honey. You kind of did."
He is feeling really bad and says it will never happen again. Thank God for that. It helps that he figured it out on his own. If he never got it, I don't know that I could have continued to be with him. The fact that he could do what he did still creeps me out though. He claims he expected me to wake up, but that doesn't really jive. If it were true, he would have stopped when I didn't wake up. And the idea that he would want to do that to someone who isn't conscious, well, it kind of makes me shudder.
cl-2nd life, I believe you are onto something. My first thought was that he was trying to prove something...that he could bring me to orgasm that way when I was sleeping, even though he couldn't while I was awake. Therefore the problems are somehow my fault, not his. Not that I have ever blamed him for our issues or held him responsible for my pleasure. But this is something that has obviously been bothering him, in addition to the ED problem. And the more self-conscious he becomes, the clumsier and more awkward he gets in the bedroom. I'm trying to be patient. However I never expected him to try to handle it the way he did.... I've accepted his apology and I honestly don't think he'll do it again; still, I'm very shaken. I really don't want him touching me at all right now.
The ED may very well be connected to the anger issue. My husband smokes cloves and at his most he was smoking nearly a pack a day. I don't know if that is enough to cause problems, but when he cut back (he says he's smoking 3 a day, don't know if that is actually true) the problem got a little better. He said he was going to see the doctor about the ED and get a prescription for Viagra but he hasn't done it. I think he's hoping that quitting smoking will be a magic bullet. BTW, he is 34, if that means anything to anyone. Male physiology isn't my specialty, but from what I read, he shouldn't be having these problems for another ten years or so.
As far as I know he hasn't made an appointment with a counselor either, like he said he would. I'm going to try to bring that topic up again tonight. I don't want to nag, but the last time he blew up at me it was pretty bad. I don't want him to blow this off anymore.
Has he seen a doctor about his ED, and if not, why? It could easily be resolved and he may find that there's an underlying problem (like a medical condition he doesn't know exists but should be dealing with) that is causing it. Taking care of the medical condition would resolve the ED as well.
Simply saying that he "blew up real bad" wasn't exactly what I meant when I asked for details about the arguing and yelling. Can you give an example or two of what starts that kind of incident and how it all unfolds - including what kinds of things he says to you?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I think I got what you meant, cl-2nd. Rather I believe that HE thinks it's my fault and that is how he gave himself permission to do what he did to me. I know it isn't really my fault- and there is nothing that would excuse what he did to me.
He has said he would see the doctor about the ED, but he hasn't yet. And when he brought it up, he only said that he would be getting a scrip for Viagra. He doesn't seem to take the idea of an underlying medical condition seriously. He is an RN consultant that specializes in specialized IVs. He says he knows all about vascularity and he knows what is going on with his body. I'm not certain he isn't in denial.
I know he has an appointment with a urologist in October. He had a vasectomy a few months ago and the appointment is a follow up. (He had the ED before he had the vasectomy.) He told me he will address the problem with the doctor then. I suggested he go earlier, but he isn't receptive to that at all.
As far as his temper, I just hate rehashing his tantrums. But is a typical example: I was severely constipated as a result of the pain meds I was taking (I have since changed medications). I had to take a bunch of strong, miserable laxatives. I was also extremely nauseated. In the middle of the night I had to get up and dry heave for I don't remember how long, plus had terrible diarrhea. When I returned to bed I quietly said something to the effect of, "I'm so sick, honey." I was only looking for him to roll over and hold me. Well he started yelling. He was furious that I woke him up. He figured that if I woke him in the middle of the night, I must have to go to the hospital. I told him I didn't want to and I was just looking for comfort. He was going to insist on going to the hospital. I said, "We don't need the bill. All they will do at the hospital is put some fluid in me and send me home. You know that." That's when he lost it. I don't remember exactly what he said, but the gist was that HE was an experienced nurse, and I don't tell him what he knows. And then went on and on that I know nothing; that I "don't know sh!t".
I'm a UC trained nutritionist. I have a bachelor's degree to his associates. I don't have any clinical experience yet (I just graduated), but I do understand dehydration and how it is treated.
When he loses his temper he is completley unreasonable. He name-calls (the b-word, the c-word, "stupid", etc), he screams and throws things. He has broken things. He claims I'm always "cutting him off" in arguments, that I don't let him finish what his sentences. So as a result I try to make sure he's done talking before I say anything. Except that when he pauses to gather his thoughts, and if I speak during those silences, he considers that a "cut-off" and becomes infuriated. Like I'm supposed to either read his mind, or give him a full five minutes between sentences to gather his thoughts. Once he put his face bare centimeters from mine and screamed as loud as he could at me. He's never sorry before 24 hours pass at least, and if he does become regretful he is very hard on himself, and says things like "I don't know why you stay with me." And he does apologize. When I told him screaming in my face was unacceptable he never did that again. But he continues to have these tantrums when things don't go his way. In spite of my complaints, he thinks he has the right to rage.
He is at his worst when he is tired, sleep-deprived, or had a stressful day at work. Also, he is very resentful for a variety of reasons. He feels management takes advantage of him at work (which he allows them to), he's upset that he had to do some of the housework (as a result of my injury), he thinks I could do more around the house when the fact is I do as much as I can in my current condition. He's resentful that he is the only one who can do repairs around the house- of which there are many.
Mostly he seems to resent the fact that I'm not bringing in money. I began looking for work after graduation, but I had trouble finding anything open to new grads that wasn't a night shift or an on-call thing (which I can't take for child care reasons). Then my pain became so intense it became clear I couldn't work. Out of one side of his mouth my husband agrees that I can't have a job right now and that I should concentrate on recovering. Yet he still makes comments about my not working. In February, I will be applying for an internship that will allow me to test for my dietitian's license- something that would allow me to make a nice living. The rotations would start in August 2007, but I may not be able to take it if my conditon doesn't improve in that time.(I still haven't been diagnosed- waiting for the MRI.)
We have more good days than bad. I'd say, before this latest problem, my husband treated me like a goddess 85-90% of the time. Unfortunately getting into a fight with him is a nightmare. I find myself deliberately avoiding conflict with him for that reason.
He says he has the number of a counselor and will be making an appointment today.
>>the b-word, the c-word, "stupid", etc<<
This is straight out unacceptable. (((Hugs))) I'm not even sure what to tell you as far as what type of counselor, if any, is good for him. When you say he treated you well 85-90% of the time, are these rages not new then? And how long have you been together and married?
Jen
I'd like you to take a look at some informational posts and articles:
What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy
It's also important for you to know that couples counseling is not indicated in abusive situations. Here's an informational post that explains why much better than I could:
"Regular" vs. DV Counseling The links I've given you come from the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage . I hope you'll take a look at the site as there is much more information there. I also hope you'll post or at least lurk on the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board, there's a wealth of information and inspiration there as well.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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