Am I a priority?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Am I a priority?
24
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 1:23am
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 months and alot of times I don't feel like a priority. He owns his own company, heavily involved in AA, and coaches kids wrestling. His coaching has subsized for the summer, but with all this going on in his life he barely makes time for us. He plans with good intentions but at the last minute something always comes up to where he'll have to cancel. This has been going on for a few months, which I've expressed to him my concern. He says he understands and he sees why I feel the way I do, but he stil doesn't make the effort or time to make things different. He says he can see being with me forever but it breaks his heart to see me upset. So then why the heck can't he make the effort! I don't need much, especially since he has alot going on, but if just once or twice a week if he could call and ask to see me or offer to take me to dinner I'd be very content! It seems we have these conversations every month and nothing changes...when is enough enough?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 2:35am
It's enough when you can't do it anymore. Take a step back. If he's always canceling plans, can't make time for you on a consistent basis (once or twice a week isn't unreasonable at all), has fifteen irons in the fire at all times, acknowledges that you're getting the short end of the stick, assures you he'll make a few changes, then doesn't pull through, then you're looking at a tough decision: keep on keeping on with the status quo or gracefully back out and leave it with, "If you can reprioritize just a little, give me a call." Even though seven months is considered a good foundation to build on, if it's seven months of less than acceptable, then I'd be concentrating on the "less than acceptable part" instead of the "seven month investment". Ideally, one would find the fact that he's so involved and has many interests and passions quite attractive; however, one would also want to be one of those passions. Maybe this isn't supposed to go anywhere. There's no law anywhere that says you have to "pick one" and then grin and bear it.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 3:54pm

You've already asked him several times to make changes to his behavior, which he has not done. So at this point, your choices are to accept him as is, or end the relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 7:44am
Hi jlynn, maybe you could 'test the water' and coyly suggest
     
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 8:16pm

You know the answer to your question, but it doesn't make it hurt any less, does it? No, you're not a priority. He cancels your plans and consistently does not have time for you despite your repeated requests and repeatedly telling him you're not happy the way things are. If you look at it a little more black and white, you'll realize that you are clearly telling him you're not happy with the relationship as it is and need to have more time with him. He tells you he hears you and understands but does not make any change. You tell him what you want and need, he tells you he understands but does nothing to make the changes he clearly knows you need to be satisfied. If you were a priority he would make changes, you can't get much clearer than that. Talk is cheap, words get you nowhere, it's his actions that tell the truth.


I think I understand where you're getting hung up, I'm thinking you're loving that he says he's sorry you're sad because he can see you together forever. Let me rephrase that in a way that might shed another light on it: you're with him now and are basically without a boyfriend, alone waiting for him. He can imagine you together forever, can you? Is the life you'd hoped for as a married woman one that includes you being married, but at home alone, waiting for your husband? That's the life you have to look forward to with him, if you're not a priority now, you sure as heck won't be any more priority to him down the road. Remember too, this is the time in your relationship when you're each going a little further in trying to impress each other, being nicer, more attentive than you normally are, it's known as "the honeymoon period". That means this is better than it's going to be down the road with him -- yikes. He may tell you different, but you've already seen the stark difference between what he says and reality. I'm sure he has every intention of doing more things with you, being with you more often, but things that he sees as more important come up and he cancels. Attending things with him is great, but what a relationship needs is also some time together alone, and if you can't get that, being with him in a group will not be enough to satisfy you, nor should it. I wouldn't recommend asking to go with him to AA, those meetings are generally not for s/o's or others, but for those who are truly in need, the meetings are also for him, if you're there he can't be free to express himself as he would if it were as it is intended to be -- anonymous. The problems you're having aren't you, it's him, he'll do the same to any woman he's with. I'm sure he'll find a woman who's satisfied with seeing him once a week and is looking for a marriage that mostly allows her to be to herself, but that's not you -- I don't think it's what most people have in mind when they're looking for relationships and/or marriage. From what you've said, you're not being "needy", expecting him to spend every day with you, it sounds like you don't even hear from him twice a week, is that right? You know how this relationship works, your choices are to stay in it and be happy and satisfied with it or move on to find a relationship that is satisfying to you.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert




Edited 6/5/2005 10:19 pm ET ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:24am

When looking at the beginning of my relationship which has recently ended, I can see that there was not that much effort in the beginning, the middle or the ending.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:47am

Wow Myrinalyn -- look at you grow!








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 1:00pm

Thanks for the compliment.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 10:02pm
Now it is enough. It is the same thing when you are a stepmom or a girlfriend of a man with kids. YOU COME SECOND AND DESERVE 1st. Men are strange girlfriend. You are not going to be happy because you are anticipating that he will do something wrong. Keep him for communication on the side and find ANOTHER
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 10:48pm
Thank you for your advice. I've taken every bit of advice and ended my relationship. It became real apparent when he came back from a trip of six days and wasn't interested in seeing me that night, nor the next two nights when we had plans. So I broke it off with him last Wednesday and I feel so good about my decision! I know I deserve someone who will give me the time and who will want to be with me. I shouldn't have to settle for less!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 12:51am

Hey Jlynns2003, it's great to see you back! I'd say you did the right thing, and I'd say he pretty clearly showed you that it was the right thing to do.


I don't think there's anything wrong with dating a guy that you know isn't right for you, as long as you make very certain to keep your feelings in check, keep yourself very aware that this is not a romantic relationship that's going somewhere, rather it's entertainment along the way, assuming, of course you're not actively looking for the right guy and are happy with whatever the "entertainment guy" has to share with you. In your case, you clearly wanted someone who could be a date! I'm kind of thinking that's the whole idea of forming a relationship -- to be together! And having him cancel out your plans on a routine basis leaves you feeling rejected and definitely second rate; not good feelings whether he's "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Entertainment" (and his actions alone prove him not to be Mr. Right!). Not only that, but feelings were already involved. It's near impossible to step back and remove your feelings in a relationship once they become involved, you can't go from romantic dating to "just entertainment" very well. I think calling it a day was a good thing for you. I'm glad you feel good about it, it should make you feel very positive and empowered, you took a firm stand and a good step for yourself, and gave yourself the message that you're worth it -- and you are. Good for you! You can do way better than him, and you will.


If you haven't read "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis

, I highly recommend it. I read it when I was newly divorced, not looking for a guy at all, but wanting very much not to repeat the mistake I'd made in choosing and marrying my ex. The book was incredibly helpful and insightful. I learned a lot about myself, my preferences, why I chose who I chose and changed a lot of my thoughts about dating. It's a lot better book than the cheesy title suggests. You deserve it all, don't settle for less, unless you're just playing around.





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Clashing Libidos/Ask the Expert








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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