Am I reading into the info too much?
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| Fri, 11-25-2005 - 10:30am |
Hi. I have been reading some articles that have been suggested to others about topics that are similar to my situation. I have found the information on emotional abuse very interesting and unfortunately, to close to home. After much consideration, I have decided to leave my boyfriend of three years. This is a scary decision, but I feel this is a dead-end relationship and need to move on. Unfortunately, it is the holidays and I hate to do this now. I was going to wait until January to let him know my feelings and plans, however, lately he frequently talks about all the gifts he is going to buy me and I think I should let him know now, before he spends a lot of money on someone who is planning on leaving him. My conscience will not allow me to accept any expensive gifts, knowing I am leaving. I would like to just remain friends, have a civil holiday and then move on. There is no reason for fighting or ugliness, I just would like to move on. My problem and reason for writing today, is I want to make sure that what I am labeling as wrong behavior, is in deed that. I would hate to end a relationship that I have misdiagnosed. I know no one is an expert here or can truly know the whole picture and he is a great guy most of the time but there are some things that are not sitting right with me and I feel I do not want to continue if this is the way he is or the way he will be (i.e only 1% of abusers change). So I would like to put an example out there and get some feedback on what I am thinking and seeing as wrong behavior. (By the way, I am judging this by the information I have read, the most important point for me was “all abuse is a process of establishing power over another person” and “abusers feel you are trying to establish power over THEM because that is their reality”. Half of me says I should trust my gut and the other half of me says, am I reading to much into this information. So here is an example, what do you think?
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and he wanted to make a chocolate pie. He got everything out, I printed the recipe off the internet for him and he goes to the kitchen. Then he starts making biscuits for breakfast and serves them to me in the living room. So we eat them while snuggling on the couch watching tv. When I finish, I pick up the plates and head to the kitchen to get started on the recipe for the dish I am going to make to bring to our friends house for Thanksgiving dinner. He calls out from the living room and says, what are you doing, babe? I said I was going to make my recipe. However, his ingredients for the pie are all over the counter where I need to work next to the stove, and he is lying on the couch. So I said are you going to make this pie? And he says I was but now I'm reading (kind of with an attitude). Well, that’s fine since the pie wasn't for the friends house anyway, so I put all his ingredients in the pie crust and move them on the other side of the counter. But immediately he comes in the kitchen and says "oh you moved my stuff"? And I said, "you said you were reading" (kind of with an attitude). So he walked back out of the kitchen.
After reading some of the information given to others, I have started to notice, that this type of situation happens somewhat often. So I’m thinking that when I said, are you going to make the pie?, he hears, “MAKE THE PIE NOW" and he thinks she's not going to control me and tell me what to do, I'll make that pie when I feel like making that pie. I am so confused. I do not know how to address this with him nor do if fell like I even want to, (ie 1% of all abusers ever change.) I didn't really notice this behavior until I started reading about it on this board. Now I feel it could be a serious issue. I am trying to come up with another example, but of course I am going blank right now. So let me start with this and if another one comes to mind I will add it then. I will say even though I am going braindead right now on another example, I will say it may occur maybe once or twice a month. Nothing major, just little things like the pie. Am I making a big deal out of nothing or does this guy have issues with power? And how do you address such, Hey babe, do you have powwer issues? How would you address this to someone? I’m in a pickle here.

I'm not an expert or anything, but when you say you make a comment and he hears something different, that sounds like basic relationship communication issues.
I didn't see abuse in the statements he made either, but it can be very difficult to get a correct feel for inflection, tone of voice, etc., what *sounds like* in the written word and *sounds like* from someone's voice can be quite different. Did you feel threatened or intimidated by his response?
There are a few things that I did notice in your post though that make a big difference. You said your mind was blank and you couldn't think of other examples (this happens to me all the time -- frustrating!), you said "...I feel this is a dead-end relationship and need to move on.". Abuse or no abuse, if you feel the relationship is not what you want, not going the way you want it to go, not going there fast enough or anything else you can and should end it. There doesn't need to be any reason to end a relationship besides "I don't want to be in it anymore". In fact, that is just as important a reason to end it as anything else; if you're not satisfied in the relationship, then you should end it, it's not what you want. Why would you want to continue and spend your life in something you don't feel satisfied in? You've already spent three years, why spend more time where you don't want to be? You also said, "Half of me says I should trust my gut and the other half of me says, am I reading to much into this information." Trusting your gut is important. If you're gut's telling you something's up you don't need to try to analyze what it is and be able to define it succinctly, just know that you know something's not right and is causing you to get warning signals, that's enough to say it's not right.
Another important aspect is that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, some might think your nuts to stay, some might think you're crazy to leave, the bottom line is no one but you is in this relationship and if you aren't happy and satisfied in it, then it's not the right one for you. If friends think he's a great guy, great! Then they can date him, and maybe he'd be great for them, but he's not for you.
As far as being friends when you break up, that's all great, but you'll need a good block of time with no contact to get over him (maybe you don't since you're ready for it to be over, but he will). I agree there's no reason not to be on friendly terms, but only after a good amount of time apart.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Oh, one last thing, answering him back with an attitude is new for me and yes probably because I have become exasperated with the relationship.
Edited 11/25/2005 4:03 pm ET by fearless2005
I think you misunderstood, Fearless. When we (at least I) said you don't need a reason to break up, I didn't mean you say to him, "I'm outta here." and walk out the door without an explanation. It seemed like you were looking for a reason that you felt was valid to leave. I was saying you don't need to find a way to validate the fact that you want to move on. Yes, of course, you owe him an explanation, it's only right and like you said, to just walk away would be unkind and would leave him feeling hurt and bewilderment. I think you need to consider (as you have) how you would feel and deal with others in a way that would seem less painful to you. You want to break up, not hurt him. I think what you were suggesting, starting with the "we need to talk" and letting him know why is absolutely appropriate. But you weren't planning to say, "I'm ending the relationship because I've done some research and it says you're abusive", were you? When you actually talk to him, if all you've really got to say is "It's just not what I'm looking for", "I don't feel like we're as right for each other as we should be" or something along those lines is fine. If you're looking for an absolute, concrete reason, you may not ever have anything to tell him. Does that clear the confusion up for you?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Maybe if you have some other experiences to share that would help.
I have read both of your posts, and one thing that is missing is the phrase, "I love him." That in itself is a good reason to end a relationship, since you're looking for one: "I'm sorry Bob, but my feelings for you have changed; I no longer love you, and it's time for me to move on with my life."
However, before you go, I want to urge you to get into some kind of interpersonal communication group, so you can develop your communication skills and learn to know another person through talking together about the relationship and about other things that matter. The sense I have here is of two people who have lived side-by-side for three years without really understanding each other, and I'd like to see you in a more emotionally-invested relationship next time.