Am I really wrong???
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| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:41pm |
I think everyone here knows my hubby and I having problems. And I'm sure everyone knows about the arguement we recently had over the weekend at the golf course. I decided to write my hubby a letter of apology. I express my feelings to him in my letter very throughly without any blame. I actually had a friend read my letter to get her opinion and she thought the letter was great. It answered the who, what, why, etc.
When my hubby came home from work, again (just like yesterday), he went golfing. Again we were cordial. But before he left this is how the conversation went:
Me: Did I lose you?
Hubby: No, you didn't lose me, I'm still here (as he opens the door and starts walking out to his car)
Me: I wish you wouldn't walk away as we are talking (following him to the car)
***Hubby then goes back into the house
Me: I want us to get past this. I have something to give you. I have bad penmenship, so please accept this letter (its on a word document)
****I hand him the letter (we are in the computer room) and then I leave giving him time to read it.
***A few minutes later, I hear him say OK. He then goes and sits on the couch.
Me: I just wanted to express my feelings and I'm sorry
Hubby: Ok, I accept your apology...so do I apologize to you to? I'm sorry
Me: No, I didn't want you to apology (thinking he just now missed the whole point of my letter)
Me: I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and I wanted to give this letter to you today because I just want us to get past this. Thank You for reading it.
Hubby: You still don't understand why I am upset? And I'm not ready to talk about it. I have to figure some things out for me. (he says all this while he heads out to his car)
***I guess this is what pisses me off...he talks as he leaves, therefore, I feel left hanging and he does this alot.
Me: I wish you wouldn't walk away as you are talking to me. I just think we are starting to talk and then you leave
Hubby: You don't understand, I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't think I ever will be. I don't think this will ever get resolved. I tried telling you and you don't listen.
Me: Can you please tell me once more why you are upset so I can learn from it. If you aren't ready to talk about it, can you give me a day when you can?
Hubby: I don't know
Me: Will it would be nice if we could set a timeframe because I want to work this out
Hubby: Ok, how about next week at 4:00p.m. after I get off from work (saying this annoyingly)
Me: I just thought we should talk because all we are doing right now is carrying resentment
Hubby: I told you I don't want to talk about it...do you want to start a knock down drag out fight
Me: Of course not. I understand you don't want to talk about it and I need to respect you, please believe me when I say that, however, all I ask is we try and talk. I don't want you to shut me out.
Hubby: **shakes his head
Me: I just don't want to feel shut out because I want to work this out
Hubby: I understand how you feel
Me: Ok. (***thinking he doesn't want to talk and I give up)
I'm trying so hard; I give him a letter of apology that I worked on all afternoon and he STILL tells me I don't understand why he's upset. I tried talking to him so we can talk but I feel he's just shutting me out. By the way, our talk was pretty calm. So, now I'm frustrated and he's out golfing again. This time I didn't let it drag on and on like I usually do. However, I feel I am putting forth the effort. I really am trying but I have no idea what to do.
Edited 7/18/2006 9:52 pm ET by casey0201

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Casey,
I am just curious why you choose to give him the letter and want to talk just when he was leaving to play golf? I would assume that he wouldn't feel that was a good time to drop what he was doing. You mentioned him walking away while talking, but he was already planning to leave and he did come back in the house when you first wanted to talk. It seems he walked away because the situation was just going to get worse and he wasn’t wanting that to happen. He didn’t want a fight.
My first husband was a talker, and to sit and talk about a problem for a long time wasn't an issue. My D/H now is not a talker. He will not sit and talk things out for a long time and when he says he doesn't want to discuss something right now, he means it. I had to learn not to try and over talk things with him, to choose an appropriate time, and to keep the conversations to the point of the argument.
I don't know if this will help at all, but here are a couple examples from my relationship that happened recently. Last night as we were climbing in bed, my daughter did some small insignificant thing that irritated my D/H. He made some rude comment about it. (to me, not where she could hear) Yep, it pissed me off that he got irritated about so small a thing. I laid there a minute and stewed about it. Although I was mad, here we were in bed and both tired from a long day. I could have replied to his comment (in anger), but I choose not to because that would have led to a fight, a night of no sleep, stress, or whatever. Instead I didn't say a word about it, just ignored it. He wasn't actually trying to be mean, he was tired. After stewing a couple minutes I decided that my plan of action would be to put the issue on the shelf for a more appropriate time. I rolled over and hugged him, and we laid there cuddling, and both went to sleep. Although I was mad at him, I still love him. I may bring it up to him at some point, then again after a day goes by it may not seem like something that really needs discussed after all.
Second example is from when we were out with friends this weekend. Something I said really upset him, but I didn't know it at the time. When we left I could tell he had that angry look. I asked if he was mad, and he said yes he was and that I needed to keep my mouth shut.(that's not actually what he meant, but what he said out of anger). Did this make me mad? Yep again, and of course I wanted to know what had made him so mad. Rather than try and talk at that moment (which would have been a no win situation) I just let him have time to cool off. I left him alone and did my own thing the rest of the day. The next day he said "I will tell you one time what I was mad about and this is it.....". I said that I did not realize that upset him, and in the future I would appreciate him pulling me aside and letting me know if something like that is bothering him rather than waiting until he is angry. We both need to be respectful in what we say, and how we treat each other". That was it, end of the conversation, end of problem. No hard feelings on either side and we resumed being a happy couple.
I know that everyone wouldn't have chosen to handle the situations like I did. Some might see me as being too passive. I know that he much more high stress, and irritable than me. It doesn't mean that we don't ever discuss issues, we do. It just means that I try and choose my battles, and my times. Some things that seem really important at one moment just may not seem like something worth arguing over after you've given it a few hours.
I feel your note was a good gesture. Perhaps next time you can just slip it in a cute card and leave it in his car. He could have then gone golfing, read it when we wanted, thought about it, and when he was ready, talked about it. Just an idea. Good luck to you both.
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I'm not sure if you have read all my threads, but my hubby and I don't have the best communication skills and usually when I talk its comes out blaming and criticizing. I don't realize I do this and then of course, my hubby gets mad and then I get mad on why he's mad, etc. So, I decided to best way for me to express my feelings without trying to blame and criticize was to write the letter. I wanted to give him the letter before he did anything. I think my nerves are just rattled and give him the letter before I changed my mind.
I thought about putting the letter in his car when he left for work, however, my friend stated that would be too impersonal and handing him the letter would be better. I took her suggestion because I trust her judgement.
ldack - Thank you for those 2 scenarios in your post.
orangecuse - reading your post has a lot of me in it. Thanks for sharing.
By the way, I had a job interview this morning and I was really hoping my hubby could have pushed his feelings aside just for a minute to wish me good luck, but no calls or text msg. I'm really hurt by it. I guess he really must be pissed with me.
Edited 7/19/2006 2:24 pm ET by casey0201
Casey,
Don't assume he's pissed. Maybe he's just needing a little time to think. It doesn't necessarily mean he's pissed.
I would like to wish you good luck on the job!!!!!
I think that much of the frustration you are feeling would come from being so impotent in this situation. You want things to move forward, but are powerless to make any changes.
>>I am trying my butt off in being patient but shouldn't there be a time when enough is enough and there needs some resolvement?<<
Yes, that time should have come long ago. However, at present it would appear that the two of you are unable to communicate without fighting. But he doesn't want to fight - therefore he does not talk to you. Why would he discuss matters when discussions only end in grief?
However, the above guess could be wrong - and it may simply be a matter of him seething away in his cave. In this instance, it shows that this is how he deals with issues. And there's nothing that you can do to change the situation.....all you can do is accept that this is how he does it.
If the latter guess is correct, the ball is now in your court. I understand that you want to continue to work on this marriage, but do your plans include being able to accept him *as is*? The thing is, him not wanting to discuss issues and going silent for three days would appear to suit him. And it would appear that he has no intention of changing.
If he does not change his ways (and it would appear likely that he won't), can you accept him the way he is? Do your hopes for working on the marriage include any changes in his way of dealing with issues? If so, it's not going to work.
Lastly, I've got a question about the letter you wrote. I completely understand that it was designed as an apology. As an extension of good will and as a way to stop this arguement. However, it's clear that he did not interpret it as intended. What exactly did you write? Could it have been open to misinterpretation?
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Here is the letter:
I am writing this letter to express my feelings to you. It seems that
when I am upset and frustrated my communication and listening skills
shut down, like barrier pops up and I can't seem to move through it. I
am sorry for the way I reacted at the golf course over the weekend. I
wish I could have recognized what I was doing and listen to what you
were trying to say to me. Time has passed and I now realized what you
were trying to tell me. I should have calmed down and accepted your
apology at that time. I think that would have helped to resolve the
misunderstanding and maybe we could have continued to enjoy the rest of
the day. I know what I was doing, I just have to be able to recognize
it sooner. Please except my sincere apology.
I don't think there is any misinterpretation. I was very precise in my letter. I feel like after I put forth effort in writing this letter, he still had the nerve to tell me "You still don't understand why I'm upset". He sounded like my mother. I remember when I had to think about things that I done and once I thought about it, I would apologize and then she still would say "You are missing the point". Right now I'm at a loss for words. I really felt in my heart that the letter I wrote would help, however, the looks of it, was just a waste of time.
You're quite right. There is no other way to interpret your letter. For what it's worth, I think it's a great letter.
Having said that, I'm still thinking that the ball is in your court here.
He's showing you that he'd rather sit and stew instead of either moving on or discussing the problem. And based on what he's told you in the past (doesn't want counselling and doesn't believe marriages need discussion) it would appear that he's got no intention of changing his ways.
(about to reiterate what I said in my last post)
Is this good enough for you? If you're hoping that you are both going to want to learn to manage your marriage issues in a different way - it just ain't gonna happen. At this stage, you have to decide if you can accept him as is.
>>.I feel like after I put forth effort in writing this letter, he still had the nerve to tell me "You still don't understand why I'm upset". He sounded like my mother. I remember when I had to think about things that I done and once I thought about it, I would apologize and then she still would say "You are missing the point". <<<
You found someone you can relive this experience from your mother with - a huge red flag and something that a therapist could help you work through.
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That's exactly what I am hoping to accomplish with my counselor
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You might have something here. I asked him last night "Could you please explain to more one more time how I upset you that way I can learn and understand why I've upset you so much". I am hanging on to a "little" bit more hope maybe after he has had time to himself and give me another chance to explain. He told me last night that he HAS told me what upsets him, however, he said I don't listen. But I think its because when he does tell me, we are in the MIDDLE of a fight. I'm not sure if how he is reacting going golfing these last 3 days is moving forward. I feel he is avoiding me because he is STILL angry with me. Usually if he is angry with me, we at least have dinner together...he NEVER has done this golfing bit 3 days in a row. But these last 3 days, we haven't had dinner together. When he talks to me, I can tell he is STILL angry with me because he has that "abrasive" tone while he talks. Like when he asked me how my interview went, I could hear the abrasive in his voice. And his abrasiveness is more now in the last 3 days than I can recall before this fight happened. So, with that, I STILL think he is angry and upset with me.
So what if the thing he most wants is for you to STOP thinking he's still mad and continuing the argument and discussion until it's beaten to death.
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