Am I really wrong???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Am I really wrong???
43
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:41pm

I think everyone here knows my hubby and I having problems. And I'm sure everyone knows about the arguement we recently had over the weekend at the golf course. I decided to write my hubby a letter of apology. I express my feelings to him in my letter very throughly without any blame. I actually had a friend read my letter to get her opinion and she thought the letter was great. It answered the who, what, why, etc.

When my hubby came home from work, again (just like yesterday), he went golfing. Again we were cordial. But before he left this is how the conversation went:

Me: Did I lose you?
Hubby: No, you didn't lose me, I'm still here (as he opens the door and starts walking out to his car)
Me: I wish you wouldn't walk away as we are talking (following him to the car)

***Hubby then goes back into the house

Me: I want us to get past this. I have something to give you. I have bad penmenship, so please accept this letter (its on a word document)

****I hand him the letter (we are in the computer room) and then I leave giving him time to read it.

***A few minutes later, I hear him say OK. He then goes and sits on the couch.

Me: I just wanted to express my feelings and I'm sorry
Hubby: Ok, I accept your apology...so do I apologize to you to? I'm sorry
Me: No, I didn't want you to apology (thinking he just now missed the whole point of my letter)
Me: I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and I wanted to give this letter to you today because I just want us to get past this. Thank You for reading it.
Hubby: You still don't understand why I am upset? And I'm not ready to talk about it. I have to figure some things out for me. (he says all this while he heads out to his car)

***I guess this is what pisses me off...he talks as he leaves, therefore, I feel left hanging and he does this alot.

Me: I wish you wouldn't walk away as you are talking to me. I just think we are starting to talk and then you leave
Hubby: You don't understand, I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't think I ever will be. I don't think this will ever get resolved. I tried telling you and you don't listen.
Me: Can you please tell me once more why you are upset so I can learn from it. If you aren't ready to talk about it, can you give me a day when you can?
Hubby: I don't know
Me: Will it would be nice if we could set a timeframe because I want to work this out
Hubby: Ok, how about next week at 4:00p.m. after I get off from work (saying this annoyingly)
Me: I just thought we should talk because all we are doing right now is carrying resentment
Hubby: I told you I don't want to talk about it...do you want to start a knock down drag out fight
Me: Of course not. I understand you don't want to talk about it and I need to respect you, please believe me when I say that, however, all I ask is we try and talk. I don't want you to shut me out.
Hubby: **shakes his head
Me: I just don't want to feel shut out because I want to work this out
Hubby: I understand how you feel
Me: Ok. (***thinking he doesn't want to talk and I give up)

I'm trying so hard; I give him a letter of apology that I worked on all afternoon and he STILL tells me I don't understand why he's upset. I tried talking to him so we can talk but I feel he's just shutting me out. By the way, our talk was pretty calm. So, now I'm frustrated and he's out golfing again. This time I didn't let it drag on and on like I usually do. However, I feel I am putting forth the effort. I really am trying but I have no idea what to do.




Edited 7/18/2006 9:52 pm ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 6:04am

It's a good thing the other posters are working so hard to help you see your husband in a positve light, Casey. Unfortunately, my mood toward him is rather negative right now. You have asked several times for him to explain what it is that you are doing to upset him. He has replied that he's already told you. You have responded that you heard what he had to say in the heat of anger, and didn't process it; that now you are listening carefully and would really like to know, and he has refused to divulge this vital secret that is having such a dire effect on your relationship.

I have to wonder if there really IS a secret, if you really HAVE missed the point in some critical way. Maybe not. And maybe you didn't miss the point with your mother, either. Perhaps this is just the way these two people are able to hug their resentment and their hostile feelings close, and justify browbeating you.

You learned certain ways of interacting with your mother to try to mollify her and keep her from hurting you with her criticisms, and now you're working to learn your husband's ways. He's training you, Casey. The question you will have to ask yourself, with the assistance of your therapist, will be Is this the way you choose to live?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:08am

the first time he

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:28am
you write: "1. How do I deal with his abrasive tone at times?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:05am

I agree with Geo somewhat. Your H is being somewhat of a jerk here. Whether it's the way he operates or the way he's choosing to respond to this situation........

BUT my telling you that your H is out of line does NOT help you at all. All the other posters are trying to do is HELP YOU. What does knowing that other people think your H is being a booger accomplishing? Except amybe you feel justified in your feelings towards him and will be less likely to relax and let things go.

As Dr. Phil would say, right now you can either be right or you can be happy. Which do you want? Because you have been fighting to be right. And you most certainly aren't happy.

OKay, so your H says that you haven't gotten why he's upset. Fine. Who cares? If it is important to him, he'll tell you again sometime. If he doesn't want to, well then, that's something he can sit and stew about while you enjoy your life. If he's upset because you aren't concerned enough then it's a matter of saying, "I wasn't going to pester you about it." and leave it alone. You are NOT responsible for how he feels or whether or not it gets discussed. You talk about how you feel and then IF he wants to talk he can come to you and talk. Anything other than a VERY simple "Hey, how you doing? You okay?" and then NOTHING more is codependent. I'm in the process of reading a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was fairly inexpensive online if you like to buy books or I'm sure it's in your local library. I'd really suggest checking it out and reading it. I think it would help you and your marriage a lot right now.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:36am

I had this reply all typed out and wouldn't you know my internet would go down and I lost it all. UGH. So, here it goes again.

Casey,
Just wanted to share a little more with you. My D/H and I dated 1 1/2 years. We lived together a year and then married 2 weeks ago. He can be one of the grumpiest, most sarcastic, moody men on the planet. He thinks people calling him the meanest SOB in town is a compliment although I've assured him it's not. He comes by it honestly, it's how he was raised. I've had people ask what I'm doing with "him".

Many have said what a change they've seen in him since he met me. It's been said that people see a smile on his face sometimes now rather than a scowl. They see him happy and that's something they hadn't seen in him in a long time. I don't feel this is because I've changed him or the way he deals with things. I feel like I do respect the person he is, and that makes him feel secure in our relationship. He knows that while he's not perfect (Lord knows he's not) that I am always for him and not against him and he knows I'm not trying to change him. I love him because underneath that tough facade that he's had for years, I know what a loving and good heart there is. He shows it to me time and time again, even if he doesn't show it to others.

When we first got together I was used to talking things out immediately, resolving issues right away by talking. I quickly learned that is not how he deals with things. He takes time, a day, 2 days, whatever to think on things and he's quiet during this time. I felt I either needed to change my approach, or decide if I could live with this man as he is. He's a 47 year old man and rather set in his ways. I also learned that even if he's quiet for a couple days, it doesn't mean he's still mad. He's learned that I do like to discuss things so now after he's had some time to think, he'll "usually" come sit by me and say "I'm listening". That means he's ready to talk, although he does still prefer a short and to the point discussion. I didn't try to change him to start talking more, I changed my approach and as a result he's started coming to me when he's ready.

In my first marriage I feel like i lost myself. I learned from the divorce that I had to be happy within me, and have a life, and activities of my own. Do you have hobbies and things that you go do during the day so that you have a full active life? That would be my biggest suggestion to you. Get out and enjoy your life. While he's golfing don't sit around waiting for him to see if he's still mad. Find some interests of your own and at the end of the day when you two come together you'll both have something interesting to share. If he sees you enjoying life and being happy, then just maybe some of that will rub off of him too, (as it does with my D/H) and he'll start changing the way he reacts to you too. It's worth a try. Whether you stay together or divorce, you need to be happy within yourself. If he comes home at the end of golfing and finds you still worried over the arguement he'll react one way. If he comes home and you are happy, haven't even thought about the fight you had days ago, and start sharing what a great day you've had, I bet you'll find he reacts a different way. It's worth a try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:30pm

What is the protocol for starting a new thread? I'm not sure if I should start a new thread when there are alot of posts in a thread. Please don't read into I don't appreciate all the response, because you have no idea how very much I do appreciate it. Its just that I'm not sure if I should continue in the same thread or create a new one?

Ok, my hubby and I talked last night. This is how the conversation went

**Hubby got home for golfing and I noticed that he "FORGOT" again to put his wedding ring back on. Please remember my hubby does forgot and he knows how important a wedding ring is. I think a wedding ring symbolizes a bond in a marriage - granted its not as importants as the marriage itself, however, to me, its still important.

Me: How was your golf game?
Hubby: Alright (sounding abrasive)
Me: Do you want out of the marriage (***Noticing that my hubby doesn't have his ring on.)
Hubby: SILENT
Me: Because you don't have your ring on. (***I have noticed the last 3 out of 5 days he has forgotten to put it back on -- and I'm NOT...REPEAT NOT trying to start a fight, but when he keeps forgetting to put his ring back on, especially right now, I feel he's getting back at me by not putting it back on. Its so hard not to be so hurt when it is important to me. I will say that the 3 days that he forgot to put the ring back on and I had to remind him, he has IMMEDIATELY gone back to his car and put the ring back on. BUT...it still hurts nonetheless when I have to remind him at this time when we aren't even talking)
Hubby: Oh crap (*** goes to the car and puts the ring back on)
Hubby: Why do you want out of the marriage? (abrasively)
Me: I just want things to work out
Hubby: Its not you, its me
Me: I'm not sure I understand. Can you clarify?
Hubby: Its just me
Me: ***Noticing he's starting to get defensiviely. I know for a fact, that MY tone has been monotone. My voice does carry, therefore, I know I'm watching how my tone is.
Me: I would like another chance in having you explain how I upset you
Hubby: So, you want to tell me how I upset you (says this as he walks away)
Me: No, I would like for you to give me another chance in explaining how I upset you (I'm saying this as I am FOLLOWING him AGAIN I can continue the conversation.)
Hubby: Like I said, you want to tell me how I upset you
Me: ***Now I'm starting to get very annoyed because I think he is TWISTING my words around. I feel like now he wants to start a fight. But I STILL don't let that upset me in my tone of voice. My tone of voice is still the same...monotone and pleasant
Me: Would you please explain to me how I upset you
Hubby: Its not you, its me (***says this as he walks away)
Me: Why are you still angry with me (***Following him again)
Hubby: I am just angry at you because I can be angry at you (he's sitting on the couch)
Me: ***I'm sitting on the couch trying to do my best in listening
Hubby: ****He pauses for a few minutes
Hubby: I am mad at myself for allowing this to happen. But I don't want to get into it because it gets into he says she says and getting in denial. You like to fight and I don't.
Me: I don't like to fight.
Hubby: See, that's exactly what I mean about the denial. There you go again in denial. You like to fight and let the whole world know our business and I'm not like that. You like to yell and scream. I don't like to yell and scream. I am passive-agressive. I'll let it go and then I have to yell back. I know myself that I don't yell. You say I'm the one that starts the yelling first, however, I know I don't do that. Like I said I let it go until I'm pushed into a corner. All the yelling and screaming, its like emotional abuse. I can't deal with it and I don't know how to handle it.
Me: ***I haven't said one word and now we are both silent for about 10 minutes

After 10 minutes, I just walk off. I don't know what to say.

Me: I need to go get some gas (***by this time its around 9:00p.m. and I leave to think about what he said.)

***I came home about an hour later.

Hubby: Where did you go get gas? (noticing he has NO abrasiveness in his tone)
Me: I went to one gas station and it was full and I went to another gas station and.... (he starts walking away -- so I STOPPED talking)
Hubby: and? (no abrasiveness in his tone)
Me: ***he's just outside the bedroom door however, I'm still not able to see him. Because I'm not saying anything, he pops back into the bedroom and once he does I continue with what I was going to see before he RUDELY left
Me: gas price there was expensive, so I went back to the first gas station
Hubby: oh, ok

***That was the last thing we said the rest of the evening

You know, I don't like to fight, scream or yell either. When we do get in a fight, if he starts to raise his voice, then so do I. Yea, my voice is the type that carries, but I don't think its yelling or screaming. I don't think I'm yelling. But maybe to him it is, therefore maybe I need to watch my tone a little bit more. Believe it or not, I have a bubbly type personality and when I laugh, everyone knows and I think that's also how my tone is as well. Maybe I need to watch myself a little bit better and tone it down a notch.




Edited 7/20/2006 12:43 pm ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 12:42pm

He forgot to put his ring back on and you accused him of wanting a divorce?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 3:02pm

Me: How was your golf game?
Hubby: Alright (sounding abrasive)
Me: Do you want out of the marriage (***Noticing that my hubby doesn't have his ring on.)


You derailed right here.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 6:25pm

>>Me: How was your golf game?
Hubby: Alright (sounding abrasive)
Me: Do you want out of the marriage (***Noticing that my hubby doesn't have his ring on.)<<

OMG, I can't believe you said this! If you want to end your marriage, this is a great way to go about it.

Your priorities at this point should be working towards disarming your current stalemate. Yet, you just go and start more fights.

I understand that the ring is important to you, but finding peace and middle ground is far MORE important at this stage.

AND I SAY YET AGAIN. LEARN TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 7:01pm

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Please tell me how this is accusing him? I guess all those times he forgot to put his ring back on I held my tongue in trying not to start a fight. He knows how important this is to me, but yet he EASILY forgets. We've only been married 6 months and he's already forgot to put the ring back on at least 25 times. And I'm not exaggerating. Please give me suggestions on how I can better deal with this since its important to me.

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By asking him if he wants a divorce because he doesn't have his ring on. Please tell me how you think this is starting a fight? Because he isn't talking to me for 4 days now, maybe I think he's getting back at me because he knows how important it is to me. I did not TRY to start a fight because my tone of voice was monotone.

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How do you know this will not happen today, tomorrow or next week? I feel like the only one working on this marrige is ME.

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Maybe I am fearful. I've NEVER been in a relationship to where my ex-boyfriends or anyone for that matter have gone this long in being angry at me. So, this is all NEW to me.

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With him being abrasive, its starting to rub off on me. I guess I'm giving his own medicine back to him. Yes, its not right, but neither is avoiding me.

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Being abrasive also makes me be abrasive back.

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This is NOT the firt time someone has suggested to me to tell him I am committed in this marriage. I would think TRYING albeit not the right way to resolving this issue. I feel I am the only one making ALL the effort. That to me would say I am committed. Oh yes, here's how the script would go:

Me: I just want to let you know I am committed in this marriage for life and that I am there for you when you are comfortable enough to discuss it.
Hubby: So, you want to be committed to a life long of fighting, yelling and screaming?

I already know the script. Therefore, I don't know how to answer that question providing my hubby does ask it. Have any suggestions?

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Maybe I believe he wants to end it to, therefore I'm giving him an option. I remember a few weeks ago, it was his turn to say "I'm just giving you an option". Like I said in this thread, if he wants a divorce, why prolong it? I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want a divorce. But I'm sorry, being mad this long (4 days and counting) isn't doing this marriage any good either.

Like I said before, if he would give me some type of reassurance that he doesn't want out of this marriage, I'm pretty sure I can be comfortable with that and let him have his space.