Am I really wrong???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Am I really wrong???
43
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:41pm

I think everyone here knows my hubby and I having problems. And I'm sure everyone knows about the arguement we recently had over the weekend at the golf course. I decided to write my hubby a letter of apology. I express my feelings to him in my letter very throughly without any blame. I actually had a friend read my letter to get her opinion and she thought the letter was great. It answered the who, what, why, etc.

When my hubby came home from work, again (just like yesterday), he went golfing. Again we were cordial. But before he left this is how the conversation went:

Me: Did I lose you?
Hubby: No, you didn't lose me, I'm still here (as he opens the door and starts walking out to his car)
Me: I wish you wouldn't walk away as we are talking (following him to the car)

***Hubby then goes back into the house

Me: I want us to get past this. I have something to give you. I have bad penmenship, so please accept this letter (its on a word document)

****I hand him the letter (we are in the computer room) and then I leave giving him time to read it.

***A few minutes later, I hear him say OK. He then goes and sits on the couch.

Me: I just wanted to express my feelings and I'm sorry
Hubby: Ok, I accept your apology...so do I apologize to you to? I'm sorry
Me: No, I didn't want you to apology (thinking he just now missed the whole point of my letter)
Me: I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry and I wanted to give this letter to you today because I just want us to get past this. Thank You for reading it.
Hubby: You still don't understand why I am upset? And I'm not ready to talk about it. I have to figure some things out for me. (he says all this while he heads out to his car)

***I guess this is what pisses me off...he talks as he leaves, therefore, I feel left hanging and he does this alot.

Me: I wish you wouldn't walk away as you are talking to me. I just think we are starting to talk and then you leave
Hubby: You don't understand, I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't think I ever will be. I don't think this will ever get resolved. I tried telling you and you don't listen.
Me: Can you please tell me once more why you are upset so I can learn from it. If you aren't ready to talk about it, can you give me a day when you can?
Hubby: I don't know
Me: Will it would be nice if we could set a timeframe because I want to work this out
Hubby: Ok, how about next week at 4:00p.m. after I get off from work (saying this annoyingly)
Me: I just thought we should talk because all we are doing right now is carrying resentment
Hubby: I told you I don't want to talk about it...do you want to start a knock down drag out fight
Me: Of course not. I understand you don't want to talk about it and I need to respect you, please believe me when I say that, however, all I ask is we try and talk. I don't want you to shut me out.
Hubby: **shakes his head
Me: I just don't want to feel shut out because I want to work this out
Hubby: I understand how you feel
Me: Ok. (***thinking he doesn't want to talk and I give up)

I'm trying so hard; I give him a letter of apology that I worked on all afternoon and he STILL tells me I don't understand why he's upset. I tried talking to him so we can talk but I feel he's just shutting me out. By the way, our talk was pretty calm. So, now I'm frustrated and he's out golfing again. This time I didn't let it drag on and on like I usually do. However, I feel I am putting forth the effort. I really am trying but I have no idea what to do.




Edited 7/18/2006 9:52 pm ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 9:38pm

This is so crazy and you no doubt Casey are feeling like you can't say anything right. His behavior towards you is soooo arrogant and immature. I just don't see how this is gonna resolve itself to the positive on the current trajectory. He has done and said nothing that makes me believe that he is going to lead you out of this mess or follow you even if you could put better words together and I believe you are trying (although still making mistakes as the other posters are pointing out).

I am back where I started....you need to deescalate this thing with some separation. Work on your individual issues, define what you need in a relationship, and what a happy healthy realtionship looks like. Then figure out if you and he fit that picture. Can you honestly say what two healthy people that love each other are supposed to say when faced with life's challenges.....respect, love, trust, support, empathy, caring... these are supposed to be the dominant emotions...not fear, disrespect, anger, manipulation, frustration, disappointment, and sadness. Surely any relationship is a collage of all of these but yours has them WAY WAY WAY out of balance.

I am sorry for you, ((((Hugs)))) P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:27pm

Ignoring this post. While it is addressed to me, the majority of the quotes are actually taken from Firstamendment's words on post #28

Though for the record, I agree with Firstamendment.

And I also agree with Orangecuse. You need to seperate for a while and sort this stuff out.




Edited 7/20/2006 10:30 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:54pm

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Sorry iv_aisha. Because I quote different people, I just click "post your reply" at whoever's post is last on my thread.

Bottom line is my hubby is STILL angry with me. I guess what it really boils down to is my hubby doesn't think he can communicate with me because he always think we will end up in a fighting, yelling, screaming match. And I'm my end, I haven't said hardly anything to him because I don't want him to think I am trying to start a fight.

By the way after playing golf 3 days in a row, he actually stayed home today. What a shock. It has been cordial and I haven't said anything other than to say "do you want anything for dinner". I guess its a start to try my best in giving him space and to show him, with baby steps, that we can talk without fight, screaming or yelling.




Edited 7/20/2006 10:56 pm ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 11:32pm

Can I get some opinions on this piece of conversation that my hubby said. What does everyone think? I just really don't think he will give me another chance in having a conversation with him without him thinking I'm about to start a fight. I gotta admit, this piece of the conversation really bothers me.

Hubby: See, that's exactly what I mean about the denial. There you go again in denial. You like to fight and let the whole world know our business and I'm not like that. You like to yell and scream. I don't like to yell and scream. I am passive-agressive. I'll let it go and then I have to yell back. I know myself that I don't yell. You say I'm the one that starts the yelling first, however, I know I don't do that. Like I said I let it go until I'm pushed into a corner. All the yelling and screaming, its like emotional abuse. I can't deal with it and I don't know how to handle it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:33am

you writ: "You ask about the golf game and as assholish as it was for him to respond to you that way,"


actually, we only have her word that he was abrasive--that's her spin to justify the tack she took next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:52am

Since you asked:


he's using the words 'fight and scream' for 'being loud', which you say you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 10:17am

Me: How was your golf game?
Hubby: Alright (sounding abrasive)
Me: Do you want out of the marriage (***Noticing that my hubby doesn't have his ring on.)


IMHO this is "accusing" him of wanting out of the marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:00pm

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I do know the sound difference between "abrasiveness", "pleasant", "excited", etc, therefore, it wasn't my justification for the tack I took. Just to let you know, he wasn't lifting his golf bag (I do know what sound tone is like when someone is lifting something) or leaning in the trunk for something, he happened to be standing next to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 3:13pm

Me: How was your golf game?
Hubby: Alright (sounding abrasive)
Me: Do you want out of the marriage (***Noticing that my hubby doesn't have his ring on.)

I guess what I am having trouble understanding is why the conversation went this way. Some of us feel like you are just not allowing him time to think about any of this before you are once again trying to push him to talk about it. Some of us feel like he is at fault as well. It seems though that we almost all agree that the subject just needs to be dropped for a while to allow you both to get rid of the feelings you have right now. How about the conversation going something like this instead:

Me: How was your golf game?
Hubby: Alright (sounding abrasive)
Me: I hope you had a good time, I know how much you love golf and it is a beautiful day outside. I was just going to get a drink, can I get you anything?

That's just one silly example but even if he did sound abrasive why not defuse it with kindness rather than fuel the fire with a question like that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 7:29am
Well I have read this whole thread and seriously...though I DONT agree with a lot of your approaches, your husband also sounds very checked out.
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