Am I selfish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2002
Am I selfish?
29
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 3:51pm

My husband and I both work and usually are off on the same days.Most of those days he goes and helps take care of his mother who is 50 miles away and overnight leaving us with very little time together and I also cook food for him and her which I also accomadate her dietary needs to eat.I understand it is something we have to deal with when we get older as far as taking care of our parents but I just resent it when he does it every week and changing our work schedules is not an option since all of our income is mostly made on weekends.Am I wrong in resenting this a little bit?He say how much people appreciate what I do but it would be nice if my he would take me out to dinner once in a while to show it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 4:38pm
Can you go with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-24-2011 - 5:20pm

What would happen if you suggested having a date night, like "dear, I know you are really busy taking care of your mom, but I miss spending time with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2002
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 1:06am

I'd rather not go with him.Its not a comfortable when he goes.He basically has to stay up all night to make sure she stays in bed because shes always up and down and thinks its always time to get up for church.The other thing I also resent is that he is so worn out because he barely sleeps himself all night and even if he comes home early the next day,hes too tired to do anything and he drives a limo for work and doesn't have a set schedule which makes it impossible to even make plans the day before.He does take off sometimes from going down there but I'm lucky if its once a month and i did stress to him today that it bothers me so we'll see.Thanks for reading!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 1:51am
Is it possible to have some kind of home health care aide come take care of her sometimes? Depending on what kind of insurance she's on, some of them will pay for a health care aide to come take care of her.
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 8:28am
So who looks after her when he's not there? It sounds like she's suffering from Alzheimer's or something, in which case she probably needs professional care. I can understand wanting to take care of his mother but it may be in her best interest to find a care/assisted living home for her.

Furthermore, taking care of his mother should not be at the cost of his marriage. It is not selfish to feel neglected since that's exactly what he's doing - he's neglecting his marriage and it's completely reasonable to express that to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 10:13am

Does she have Alzheimers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2002
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 11:05am

Its more like she has had a lot of mini strokes but her her short term memory is not good.There is a nurse who comes in and there was something said about her possibly getting 12 hour care so we'll see.She does have a son and a nephew that lives there but they're somewhat useless(neither of them work) but they do need their breaks so some family members alternate days with her care.His family is EXTREMELY anti-nursing homes(lots of relatives have died on that house) because they worry that it would kill her sooner. He had a brother who passed at the age of 52 due to him sacrifing his life to take of their father until he passed and he was gone a year and a half later.You would think that would tell these people something.I do understand but it the same time I believe there is a point.They do have to barricade the front door so she doesn't escape because she thinks its not her home anymore.They're anti-nursing home and I was brought up to anti-burden if there such a term.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 11:16am
Is moving in with the two of you an option? It would put you in a better position to schedule time together because you can have others come in when you need a break to spend time together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2002
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 12:40pm

NO! I have a high energy dog and a very small house plus we wouldn't be able to pay bills because she needs to be watched 24/7.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Sun, 09-25-2011 - 7:08pm
Suzi- I can think of only a few situations when adult children are so devoted to their sick and ailing parents.1) they want something: parent close to end with money involved 2) there is a unhealthy co- dependency (adult child acts like a child around parent) 3) there was a healthy love relationship between adult child and parent. Adult child respects parent for their sacrifices and wants to reciprocate?

So, his mom has dementia I take it? Are their other siblings involved? Has dementia care placements
Been placed on the table ( I mean a secured assisted living facility specialized to treat only people suffering from a form of dementia?). If is has, what is prevented them from going forward? Finances or personal beliefs?

I will assume in your situation that your husband is just trying to do right by his mother who is sick and nearing the final years of her life? I think that if he doesn't he will regret it. He wants to know that when his mom breathes her final breath, he will have done all he could for her and he was a part of it. You are also being a part of it by cooking for them and I think that is amazing. You both should be very proud of yourselves for what you are doing. There are literally thousands of people that die alone with no support. Something went right in your husbands family and doesn't that give you assurance? Knowing that if something happened to you he would take such tender love and care?

How sick is she? She phsicalky quite strong? Or is she in her final stages? It is very very difficult to predict when person with dementia will go. They can be in the final stages (can't walk) for several years. If she is like mid stages- I agree that a better balance needs to happen for you. Can someone do a respite service one weekend? Most facilities also offer respite care also. Is she is closer to her end, that is much tougher.

I sm sorry for you all. Dementia is not easy. It is much harder on everyone around the person suffering from it. She is as good as she can be living in her altered version of reality.

Goodluck suzi. If you would like other info or access to resources, let me know.

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