Am I worrying over nothing...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Am I worrying over nothing...?
4
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 5:14pm

My apologies for the length of this posting but information and background are key to understanding what’s on my mind.

My boyfriend of 15 months and I met online. For the most part our relationship has been blissful. We are pretty much inseparable, delight in each other's company, laugh constantly and never seem to tire of finding things to talk about... we love being together. I feel he eclipses any man I have ever known in terms of his thoughtfulness and affection and how attracted I am to him. We are well matched in every way it would seem. We are the same age.(I just turned 40, he's nearly 40.) He's never been married, and I was married very briefly a few years ago, but the man in question had an affair. That was 6 years ago and I trod very carefully when it came to getting involved again and losing my heart to someone else. He and I are interested in the same things and have very similar beliefs and values. We compliment each other very well, and he makes me very happy for the most part.

I would say I am the feisty one, the go-getter. He is sweet and gentle. The combination works well as he calms me, and makes me think about things more and I fire him up and encourage him... bring out the best in him, I guess.

His friends all dig me, and his family loves me. (Mine are in Europe, where I am from originally.) I am tall slim, blonde and pretty and have had a successful
career. I think I am adventurous and fun! We have the best time. But here's the kicker... well, just one of them... he makes love to me about the same amount of times per week, (3 times) in the same conventional position, for about the same length of time, (a few minutes) pretty much in silence, then always turns me over on my front at the same point before he's ready to orgasm. He hardly makes any sound. He never kisses me or makes eye contact when we are in missionary
position, just puts his head over my shoulder. He never wants to make love anywhere but in the bedroom. When we were first together, things were more adventurous, but he soon became very methodical. And here was I thinking that men want it in every racy position imaginable and would love a woman to be as adventurous as me!

There is what I would describe as a wishy-washy side to him that has surfaced a few times over the last few months which has annoyed me. He can be such a naive little boy. He lives in the moment, which in some ways I admire but in other ways I feel puts pressure on me to be the decisive one much of the time. I think of the future in the most positive way: I have a man I want to make a life with, I would like to experience having a child and don’t see why we can’t move ahead with that if it’s right. His behavior and affection towards me, his consideration, the fact that he calls me at work just to see how my day is going… would indicate that he wants this too. But he never vocalizes it.

We have started to bring up the future and at one point recently decided that we would sell our house, rent his out and go and see the world together. And when we got back probably live together. He knows I want a family. Being 40, I suppose time is an issue, even though the biological clock thing, when I hear other women talk about it, kind of makes me cringe. He said way back when we met that he did want children "some day" and I was OK with that. I utterly adore him, am still as attracted to him as ever and he completely lights up my life.

Another bone of contention for me is that he never tells me that he loves me. I would say, however, that he shows me that he does, and maybe it should not be so important to me to hear it, but I guess that it is.

A couple of months ago, we split up for a few days, in spite of all that I have said about things being so great. I let the conversation just sort of unfold, mentioning his not talking about how he feels and where we go from here. I was very calm but the hardly spoke, so I did all the talking and due to a lack of response from him (i.e. the fact that he did not try to correct the points I was making) I talked myself into leaving him. We spent the next week apart, which was horrendous, then I wrote him a letter, quoting passages from a book we both read recently called “A Return To Love” by Marian Williamson. He responded immediately and called me. We were back with each other the next day. We don’t actually live together, but we may as well, as we spend days at a time at each other’s houses. We have photos of each other everywhere and our belongings at each other’s houses.

In spite of being together again and happy in every other way, the sex is still the same. He is completely affectionate and giving and looks deep into my eyes at every other time. It’s like he has a fear of opening himself up completely during sex, relinquishing himself to love and intimacy. Am I right? Should I be worried about that? I try to joke about it sometimes with him, saying things like “Why don’t you take me in the kitchen” or I’ll try to initiate things anywhere but the bedroom, but it just doesn’t fly with him.

He told me that during our short time apart, he broke down in tears when talking to his mother on the phone about us, something he never does. I also recently found something he wrote to me during that time, where he says how much he missed me and did indeed love me “really and truly”… He also wrote that he could see us as a team in the future and he wondered why he had such a hard time saying any of that to me. I wasn’t snooping, and I don’t think he meant for me to read it.

So readers, I would appreciate some opinions. Is it a case of, if it isn’t really broken, don’t try to fix it? Am I kidding myself if I think he will want to be with me and have a child one day? Could he be holding out for someone better, or younger, the classic commitment-phobic? Is he just sexually conventional and likes things the way he likes them? Do you think he is just biding his time for “The One” or is he perhaps just living in the moment? I can’t fathom looking for anyone else because of these issues, and because I love him, but at the same time they bug me. I guess I would like to understand if they are warning signs.

Thank you for reading this long post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 5:22pm
What does he say when you try to talk to him about the 'conventional' lovemaking?
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 5:35pm

Hi kimbirdy,

Thank you for replying. He really just "ums" and "ahhs"... says he just prefers being comfortable and that he's not really into it anwhere else. (He also runs to the bathroom as soon as we are finished. I feel it's a real achievement if he doesn't and holds me without getting up to go to the bathroom!)

When I mentioned that I needed to hear I love you (before I read what he had written during that short break up) there was more silence. The fact that I read that he does love me makes me feel somewhat better, but I get the feeling that it's such the ultimate expression for him, and actually saying it out loud somehow terrifies him... so does that mean that I am not his ultimate, in that case?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 5:50pm

As I'm sure you know, it's hard to know what to do about the 'conventional' lovemaking if you don't know what the underlying reason is for it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 10:37pm

Welcome to the board, Phojo1966 ~


You say you've been together 15 months and met on the internet. Is that 15 months physically together or 15 months since you first got together on the internet? If it's a combined time, how long have you physically been together?


What seems to be lacking in your relationship is communication, IMO. You wonder why he only uses one sexual position, but you only mention it to him by way of joking about doing something different. Why haven't you just had an honest, sincere talk with him and asked him why, or more to the point, tell him you'd like more/different lovemaking? I have to say too, what may seem "repressed" or "unwilling to let go" may be what's comfortable to him. I don't think there's necessarily anything *wrong* with him, it just may be his style -- everybody's is different, you know. He may be willing to try different things with you and he may not. If not, you'll have to decide if you can accept a relationship that you feel constrains you sexually. I don't mean that judgmentally, by the way, everyone has their own standards of what is and is not acceptable for a relationship; sex is a very important part of a relationship. Living your life in a relationship that doesn't satisfy you sexually not be okay for me.


His wishy-washiness, is this on specific kinds of decisions or anything that comes along? Can you pretty much predict when it will come into play? Or are you saying his wishy-washy attitude is confined to decisions about your future together? I'm not sure what you mean. And again, regardless of which it is, why haven't you had a frank, honest, discussion with him about it?


If you need to hear that he loves you (broken record here), have you told him that? Have you tried saying it to him on a regular basis? If you want to hear it from him, you should be giving it too!


Some things may be a matter of being together long enough for him to be relaxed and sure of your relationship (the lack of "I love you's, the lack of decisions about your future...), since I don't know how long you've physically been together, I don't know what's possible or likely there. Most of what you've mentioned is almost certainly him -- his style, his character, his way. It's most likely not going to go away, but if he knew that your wanted/needed/expected something a little different, he might be able to push himself to adapt a bit. Maybe he simply doesn't know you wish he's verbalize "I love you", maybe by telling him so, it would resolve the problem instantly. The indecisiveness probably is something that isn't going to go away, but he might be willing to work harder to be decisive, and you might be able to play a part in that, by agreeing to ask direct questions, or agreeing to handle situations in a way that requires him to be a decision maker for half the decisions, or in certain situations, or whatever you two agree on.But, without communication, none of this stands a chance of being resolved.


While you indicate most of your relationship is great, I wouldn't consider having a child with him until these issues are resolved and/or you know for certain this is where you want to stay. Things that bug you now will drive you crazy in a few years, and being miserable is not something you want to resign yourself to. Realize too, often what we like/admire most about someone (especially if it's opposite of how we are) turns around to be what drives us the most crazy. The guy who's admired for being so quiet and calm...five years down the road you're miserable because he "never talks to me". It's the flip side of the same coin. Balance is better than huge differences.


A book you might want to check out is "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis It's very enlightening about what is and is not important to you in regard to relationships, I think you'll learn a lot about yourself, why you make the choices you do, and more. I know I did.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








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does not change the facts"