Am I Wrong?

Avatar for lady8099
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2003
Am I Wrong?
3
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 2:23pm
just found out that my husband of 1month. Had a sexual affair prior to our marriage. We werent togehter at the time but the slip was only for a month, and i was with no one else. Im finding out that he continued phone conversations with her up until a week ago when i found out. I also found out that he sent another female "so called best friend" , money without telling me because he knew i would disapprove. And finally this past sunday he had a dream that he cheated on me, the weird thing was that i had the same dream the same night. Anyway, i told him about my dream, but instead of him talking to me about his dream, he went to her. I called both the females and got the truth out of him, which he did confess, but i cant get over it, how to i begin to trust him again, i meant my vows and i want to do anything to keep it together. Am i wrong for bringing up the stuff that he did prior to our marriage? PLEASE HELP!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: lady8099
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 1:12pm
You know, even though the affair was prior to the marriage, he continued to have contact with that woman. Now that you are married, your husband should have enough respect for you and the marriage to cut ties with that woman. I think that is totally disrespecting you all's marital vows and relationship. I don't understand why he feels the need to still be in contact with this woman.

As for the best friend... if the issues and communications he has with this woman can not be shared with you (his wife), then there is no need for him to have involvement with her either. The money he lent her came out of you all's household and you have a right to know about anything that could possibly affect the finances. Marriage is about comfort zones and agreement, if he knew you would disapprove of the loan, he should've thought twice before giving it to her.

I'm not surprised that you are dreaming about his infidelity. The trust is definitely not there and he is not making it any easier for you by having these relationships with these other women and doing things behind your back.

Honey_bee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lady8099
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 6:24am
You are not wrong to have been upset by the information you discovered. However, you MAY be wrong in wanting "to do anything to keep this together." You need to face facts. Your husband is not trustworthy - because of immaturity, because of a character flaw, because HE made a mistake when he thought he was ready to be a good husband, or a million other reasons. The point is his behavior indicates an enormous problem, and it isn't something YOU can solve.

If you think there is anything YOU can do to change him or to make what has happened right, you are kidding yourself. This isn't about YOU. It's about HIM. HE has to realize what he did was wrong, has to learn to see beyond himself and that his actions affect others very seriously, he has to learn to CARE about it. These are not easy lessons and frankly, there are some people who never learn them.

The only course open to you if you really want to invest even more emotional energy on this "marriage" is to get him to go to a couple's counselor with you. However, neither of you will benefit if you are not prepared to objectively assess whether the counselling is doing any good. The therapist will do SOME of that, but you have to keep YOUR eyes open. And also understand that one or two sessions isn't going to be enough. Since he has to do more than regain your trust (he has to see that his behavior needs changing and then WANT to change it), the process could take a year or better.

In the meantime, I would also contact a lawyer about getting a civil annulment.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lady8099
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 11:39pm
The "prior" stuff shouldn't be a concern as it has nothing to do with your relationship, but the current/recent stuff is a big no no and shouldn't be tolerated. I'd get that stuff ironed out to your satisfaction ASAP.

Mac