Am I wrong or is he selfish???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Am I wrong or is he selfish???
14
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:52pm
Hi all.
I haven't posted for a couple years and I have to say, things are going better, but DH and I have managed to get ourselves into a serious pit again...
He's turning 30 in a couple weeks, but to give you all some back ground (since he SWEARS turning 30 has nothing to do with it): 2 years ago, DH started talking about his desire to raise kids. We finally have our own place (yeah!) - a little 2 bedroom condo in a decent, family oriented neighborhood and over those 2 years, I've been thinking about it and this past year have had a fire lit in my heart to become a parent as well. Since I have some major fertility issues, and I was adopted, we had settled upon adopting a little girl from Korea. I couldn't be happier. I was really looking forward to telling our friends and family and DH seemed so happy and in love with the idea. Not just for me, but he was actually in love w/ it as well...
Well, we started cleaning out the "office" to turn it into a nursery and then start the paperwork, when something happened. I noticed there was a girl at work he was putting a lot of time and energy into. She was just an innocent friend, but DH got too emotionally involved with a girl he worked with a few years back and I was afraid he was sending her the wrong signals (accepting gifts of boxes of chocolate at work, and she gave him a ride home from work once - which is over an hour out of her way - and he invited her up on a night he knew I wouldn't be home, but he thought him and buddy of his were going out for drinks, but instead the buddy showed up at door w/ beers, and I called DH twice during the night and he didn't call me back... very LONG STORY w/ lots of miscommunications). So I asked him to please keep her friendship at work and not hangout outside of work. He was not very happy with this at all, and I guess that's where all the trouble started. He basically told me "no", that it was completely innocent and by keeping her as a friend outside of work, he would be able to prove that to me. (I'm complete confused on that one.) After about 2 weeks, he said he wouldn't hang out with her alone outside of work until he "figured things out". But that's when I started to realize "ya know, is he really thinking like a family man?"
Basically, over several talks, we discovered he's depressed and feels like he hasn't accomplished enough in his life. This hurt me because taking the step to become a larger family was, to me a HUGE accomplishement. I believed it was his dream as well, so you can imagine my shock when he said that he still does want to raise a family with me, but right now he needs to look at himself and be proud of what he sees in the mirror - which means, to him, he needs to put on 10 more lbs of muscle, finish his 2nd black belt, and take more gemology courses. All of these things leave his schedule like this:
5am - wake up and go to the gym
6am - go from the gym to work
5pm- leave work and come home
7pm - go to Ken po (Mon, Thrus, Fri * Sat from 9am-1:30pm)
9pm - come home and get ready to do it all the next day
On days when he's adding in this gemology class, I won't see him after work at all. He'll go straight from work to the class and won't be home until after 10pm. I work from 6am-2:30pm, so I end up trying to take care of everything around the house. Who can blame DH for wanting to sit around when he's home, and not jump on the house work after long days like that,ya know?
I asked him to please start focusing some energy at home again, so we scheduled Tuesday night as "date night". One thing that has frustrated me about our date nights is that I end up planning them all. It's like I want him to be excited, as he used to be, when he'd plan something fun to share with me. Now it's "What do you want to do?" I've tried self help books and he shoves them away, humoring me by reading a few pages before he lets them gather dust. I've asked that he go to therapy, and he says "sure, but they are already going to tell me I need to do things that make me feel good about me."
I just feel like those things are taking him out of the home more and more. Sure, he feels great about himself, which will indirectly effect us, but I guess I find difficulty understanding how gaining 10lbs of muscle, or getting another black belt, or taking more gemology courses will help him be a better father? He says he doesn't want his child to look at him and see shadows of shame.
To go further into his background, shame is a strong factor in his family. He was abused in just about every way you can think of by his father. He's decided to break that cycle, which is wonderful. He's never talked down or laid a hand on me, nor anyone else. But at the same time, I wonder what damage it truly did- and if that is what is rearing it's ugly head now that he's a few weeks away from 30 and we were on the cusp of making what I believed was our shared dream come true.
Last Christmas, we missed the little girl we didn't have yet. I don't want to spend many other Christmas' like that.
Any advice?
Thanks!
- Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 11:56am

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~~That was a great way of handling the situation.

And it's fine to look 4 what you can do better. Just don't get caught up in things being all your fault. There is nothing you have done, ever, that makes it okay for him to have inappropriate relationships.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 7:11pm

Not only is he selfish, he's a little self-focused and self-centered. A relationship/marriage is NOT all about one person (him). But I'll get off that soapbox.

Here's the thing, if he feels he's missing something in himself - his self-esteem is lacking and he needs to DO things (his list) to make himself feel better AND remain friends with someone that strokes his ego and is worth putting his marriage in jeapordy for, then no matter what you say or do will have an influence on him - except maybe doing what makes you feel good about yourself. The counselor wouldn't tell him to only do things that make him feel good, but rather give each of you some guidelines on being individuals without straining your marriage.

He hasn't had to do anything differently - he has his friend on the side, a laundry list of goals, but no where does he make room for you, your marriage or goals as a couple.

My suggestion is: go to counseling alone and figure out what you want long term (with or without him), gain some perspective and then make decisions from there. If you have to, tell him straight out - "I'm having trouble dealing with a lot of this, so I am going to go to counseling on my own. I would love for you to go with me as there may come a time when some hard decisions might have to be made and I would rather make those decisions with your input instead of on my own."


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 8:20pm

Thanks everyone for the replies on this.

DH and I really had it out where I basically told him exactly what my dreams and goals are. And spelled out that his schedule doesn't work for me and if his goals are more personal than family related, and if he continues to tell me through his actions and his words that outsiders are more important than what is crumbling at home then "What are we still doing here?" It opened up a door and hit him like a ton of bricks. He said he really felt that I needed counseling. Funny thing, I actually MADE my appointment while he was still dinking around w/ which counselor he'd like better, etc etc, finding a million reasons/excuses not to do it.

It ended up being a very productive discussion, where he agreed to go to counseling w/ me and we called a family therapist and made an appointment last night. We need to break this cycle.

He also admitted (finally) that a ton of this is the "OMG I'm turning 30" thing. So I turned that around. He went through his laundry list of all the wasted oppurtunities he didn't take from like 18 years of age on, I went into "Yeah, well, look at all we've done together. Look where you are NOW as opposed to 18. Ya know, even celebrities aren't where they want to be, but that doesn't mean you can shut out the people who love you and expect them to stick around."

I explained that you pencil the outside things you want/need to do around your family time, not vice versa. You spend your time and energy where your priorities lie. That is human nature. So he keeps saying that we're a priority, but he's really just lip servicing it. I told him I can't have that. That I need him to step up to the plate, or step out of the door, 'cause I know what I want and if this is what he wants, the two can't work together.

In the end, we aired a lot of things (all calmly) and really listened to each other. He's changing his schedule to 2 1/2 hour classes of Ken Po two week days and the Saturday class he teaches, and then 1 night at the gemology class in Balboa park. This is MUCH more acceptable to me than being lucky go get 2-3 concious hours w/ him per day.

He did ask me why I planned a private party for his birthday rather than a big social one. Well, ya know, aside from me wanting to do something fun my DH will love, I told him honestly that I felt like we could use more time just the 2 of us, rather than entertaining folks. While we love to entertain, at this point, it's a hinderence to our cause. He was afraid it was to "keep me away from my friends." Which is very much not the point. I cleared that up and let him know if his co-workers (meaning a GROUP of them) would like to take him out to happy hour after work, that's fine by me. Of course, I'd really like to be invited to go along. He said he had some things he wanted to say to his friends and wanted them gathered around. I offered to cancel my plans (which involve a cabin by a lake for the weekend and fishing all weekend - which he loves and hasn't gotten to do in 6 years), but he didn't want me to cancel. I swear - he acts like he's dying, not turning 30....

So w/ counseling to guide us (and the "turning 30" thing wearing off w/ some time) hopefully we can get back on track!

Thanks for being a sounding board everyone!
- Jay

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 8:50pm

Thanks for the update, Teyar ~ here's hoping this will be the beginning for some real changes.


Best of luck!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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