Angry or Overbearing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Angry or Overbearing
5
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:27am
Sorry to start so many messages, but I'm at the point where I don't know who to turn to anymore. Last night my husband said he was going to do something with me, but I knew he wanted to go out with his friend, so I told him go ahead and go, could you just be back at 11, so I can see you a bit before I go to bed to go to work. 11:30 rolls around and I called him, he wasn't even planning on leaving yet. Basically HE wasn't finished. HE said he would be home soon... he wasn't. I called and he said he would definitely be home at 142:30... 12:45 I called and he said I said 1:30, he would come home at 1:30.... 2:30 he finally shows up. I was furious. Is this wrong? I told him if he says he will be home at a certain time, then he should come home. HE said he can't be rude like that and just stop conversation to come home for me. I deserve that... We are goig through problems righ now the same one who on a daily basis doesn't want to be with me then he wants to. Now he says he doesn't know its 50/50 on whether he stays or not just because he doesn't know if he can handle the bitching... I just bitch because he never considers me. Because he's so mean sometimes. He tells me he doens't know if he has any feelings left for me, but he knows he loves me....


HELP ME please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:58am
I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't know of anything you can do to make a selfish, immature kid change. With the shabby way he treats you, flipping back and forth from mean to nice the way he does, I'm wondering if he doesn't have more serious problems. Here's some information that helped me when I was dealing with a person who acted a lot like your husband. I don't know if it applies or not, but if it does, it could help you learn where to start to help yourself.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=148.1&ctx=4194304

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

Avatar for bearkizz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 10:58am
Dear Sammy,

I honestly do understand your feelings of hurt, and, from experience, I also know that responding to it (ie: by calling your spouse) will open the door for more hurt.

There is obviously a power struggle existing in your marriage...those rarely end until someone stops playing the other's game. Your spouse probably has some deep rooted resentment issues that bring about his moodiness, indecision, rebellious attitudes, criticisms, etc...which in turn results in these power games,(ie: I'll be home..Oops, not coming home yet, hold your horses...Nope still not coming home...HaHa I came home when I darn well felt like it, take that you b*tch")...No one wins with these games, even if one of you truly feels you gained an upper hand...

Sammy hon, I know your situation is a hard one to be in, wanting to salvage your marriage and yet not feeling as though the other does...All I know to say in this, and from experience, is that confusion never gets cleared up when you worry more about why someone else is acting out of sorts vs. tending to your own well-being and ensuring you aren't confused about your own wants, needs, goals, and identity. It's easy to point out someone else's bad behavior, but it doesn't mean they listen..It's harder to remain calm, and strong in your beliefs about how you deserve to be treated, so that your actions and attitudes cause someone to look at their own behavior compared to yours, but it's sometimes the best way to handle things because it puts the responsibility where it belongs, on their own shoulders...We simply can't learn another person's lessons for them, but we can show, in action, that we've learned our own.

My personal advice, don't fret over the direction of your marriage, it's not like you deserve a person who doesn't want to be with you, but do fret over how you are allowing the situation be guided in ways that further cement his opinions against you. Next time he says he will be home at a certain time and isn't, don't call him, leave him responsible for informing you that he will be late, and if he doesn't, don't become his parent figure by taking this responsibility into your own hands...Don't wait for someone else to grow up Sammy, it will only exhaust you and make you forget about the person you can be for yourself...I'm not saying ignore when he does this, but don't wait up just to have a confrontation, go on to bed, read a book, watch a movie, whatever it is you want to do, and when he arrives late don't make a fuss, for he is only expecting that to happen so that he can respond in his own typical manner.

There is much to be said about grace and dignity. My grandfather had alot of that, and when I would be in a temper, he never stopped responding with dignity...I would eventually calm down and feel apologetic of my behavior, but because he never pointed it out directly, I learned without being told to. See my point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 11:11am
This sounds like a terrible situation to be in and having read your other posts, it doesn't sound like you should hold out much hope of this relationship lasting too much longer.

Although this is not what you want to hear, waiting around for a husband that treats you badly, hoping that he *might* decide to stay with you is just no way to live. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

I'd suggest counselling, but based on what you've posted, there doesn't seem to be much point in trying, since your husband has so obviously given up. The fact that he throws you a bone every once in a while is even more cruel than just admitting that he wants it over. Does he love you? I'm sure he does, but not nearly enough to put in all the work he would have to in order for your marriage to survive and quite frankly based on the behavior you have described, you will be far better off without this guy.

Trust me, down the road, when you have met somebody else you will look back on this experience and thank god you got out of it when you did.

I'm sorry I can't be more positive, but I really think the best thing you can do for yourself now is be proactive about moving on.

I wish you all the best

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 1:14pm
i just wanna tell everyone... i took a step for myself and for our relationship. i called a counselor today and i'm going this afternoon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 5:25am
Good for you! Keep us posted on your progress.

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox