Hey, just need a little perspective here.
That's a tough one gdstuff. It seems like the gift will not mean much to you because you have already determined it was more an afterthought for her than a gift like you want it to be. I wonder, when this has happened in the past, how do you tell her you are bothered? Or do you? Do you push the feelings down and ignore them, try to tell her nicely, or in a matter-of-fact way? Is her response always defensiveness or anger?
You said before you spoke with a counselor on the phone, did you go to the appt and what happened? Have you brought up marriage therapy with her? (Though if you went to marriage therapy there is a question of whether her behavior constitutes emotional abuse, and you would want to be very clear up front with the therapist about what is actually going on in your communication, not hide it or minimize it, it's possible the therapist might recommend you each see individual therapists or counselors, but they need all the information to be able to make such an assessment).
It sounds to me like you (rightfully) have a lot of resentment built up, and do not trust that she has it in her to hear what you say and care about how you really feel. That's a pretty tough position to be in within marriage, if she's dead set against seeing her part in what is going on, and is not willing to learn new ways of communicating, refuses to respect you, then I can't see how you will continue the way that you are. Can you? What do you think is going to happen when the watch comes?
From what you have shared, and from what your previous post shared.
I'm not big into gift giving/getting, but if you already have 4 watches, said you didn't want a watch, she bought it the day before (assuming it's going to take a few days to even get there), it's going to be late, and you know it was $5 and she SAID she paid lots for it, this all screams no respect for you. I think there is so much more going on that is wrong than just a $5 watch here. Even if she spent $100, I doubt that this would even fix this issue.
If she is unemployed, there are tons of nice, memorable, thoughtful ways to show your spouse you love them, and they don't even take that much money, but they'd be hell of a lot nicer than a dead, scratched watch. She doesn't put any time into you as a couple.
You are already on eggshells about what to say about the watch. This is a red flag. You fear if you bring up the TRUTH that she's going to throw it in your face, blame you for being ungrateful and thus set off another one of your bad fights. I have to tell you, I was also in an emotionally abusive marriage and this stuff was right up there with "classic" tactics. I got out thankfully, because they were not changing (even after promises to change) and I decided I did not want a life like that any more.
If you have been going to counseling alone for a year and don't feel much progress, maybe it's time to find a different therapist. The fact that she will not go to counseling says TREMENDOUS things about her ideas about this marriage. My ex-spouse too refused to go to counseling. I think my ex spouse was just too afraid of being pointed out how wrong he was and didn't want to face it. He'd rather keep me thinking I was the crazy one, the ungrateful one, the one that needed counseling. Gave him more control.
She is all talk and no positive action. I too hope you reconsider a future with her. You do deserve much better. If she proclaimed this resolution, then I think you need to ask her what exact steps will she be doing or what exactly will she be doing differently, then write them down together as a team, then put a time frame in your head. I'd say 6 months if it were me. That's being generous!
(to respond to your post from 2008, no those are not normal things to say in a fight and I agree grounds for breaking up)
Actually I do still go to therapy, though not as often, as the therapist feels that is enough (every 6 wks or so).