anniversary question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
anniversary question
14
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 10:13am

Hey, just need a little perspective here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 12:28pm

Welcome back,








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 1:38pm

That's a tough one gdstuff. It seems like the gift will not mean much to you because you have already determined it was more an afterthought for her than a gift like you want it to be. I wonder, when this has happened in the past, how do you tell her you are bothered? Or do you? Do you push the feelings down and ignore them, try to tell her nicely, or in a matter-of-fact way? Is her response always defensiveness or anger?

You said before you spoke with a counselor on the phone, did you go to the appt and what happened? Have you brought up marriage therapy with her? (Though if you went to marriage therapy there is a question of whether her behavior constitutes emotional abuse, and you would want to be very clear up front with the therapist about what is actually going on in your communication, not hide it or minimize it, it's possible the therapist might recommend you each see individual therapists or counselors, but they need all the information to be able to make such an assessment).

It sounds to me like you (rightfully) have a lot of resentment built up, and do not trust that she has it in her to hear what you say and care about how you really feel. That's a pretty tough position to be in within marriage, if she's dead set against seeing her part in what is going on, and is not willing to learn new ways of communicating, refuses to respect you, then I can't see how you will continue the way that you are. Can you? What do you think is going to happen when the watch comes?

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



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Ten Rules for Being Human




Edited 1/6/2010 1:55 pm ET by harmony08
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 8:28pm

From what you have shared, and from what your previous post shared.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 8:40pm

Yes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 8:51pm
I don't know, with feeling like you are almost ready to call it quits, and her making declarations of change while refusing to ever seek counseling, maybe a wait and see attitude is best. If I had to make a not-so-wild guess I'd bet that her behaviors return to the way they were before, and then you are going to have a decision on your hands again. You said she's unemployed and this is a problem in the relationship, what caused her to be out of work and is she trying to find a job? Do you keep your finances separate and that is why she has no $$ to buy a gift? Have you been thinking of ways to end it, do you have a plan for that, or are do you still envision a future together?



ETA: Also buying you a watch when you said you don't want one, and telling you that you'll like it when it's going to arrive scratched and not working, is really the makings of a fight. Maybe it's all happening subconsciously for her, but that's really going out of her way to piss you off. It sounds sort of passive aggressive.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



Photobucket



Ten Rules for Being Human



Edited 1/6/2010 8:55 pm ET by harmony08
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 11:12pm

I'm not big into gift giving/getting, but if you already have 4 watches, said you didn't want a watch, she bought it the day before (assuming it's going to take a few days to even get there), it's going to be late, and you know it was $5 and she SAID she paid lots for it, this all screams no respect for you. I think there is so much more going on that is wrong than just a $5 watch here. Even if she spent $100, I doubt that this would even fix this issue.

If she is unemployed, there are tons of nice, memorable, thoughtful ways to show your spouse you love them, and they don't even take that much money, but they'd be hell of a lot nicer than a dead, scratched watch. She doesn't put any time into you as a couple.

You are already on eggshells about what to say about the watch. This is a red flag. You fear if you bring up the TRUTH that she's going to throw it in your face, blame you for being ungrateful and thus set off another one of your bad fights. I have to tell you, I was also in an emotionally abusive marriage and this stuff was right up there with "classic" tactics. I got out thankfully, because they were not changing (even after promises to change) and I decided I did not want a life like that any more.

If you have been going to counseling alone for a year and don't feel much progress, maybe it's time to find a different therapist. The fact that she will not go to counseling says TREMENDOUS things about her ideas about this marriage. My ex-spouse too refused to go to counseling. I think my ex spouse was just too afraid of being pointed out how wrong he was and didn't want to face it. He'd rather keep me thinking I was the crazy one, the ungrateful one, the one that needed counseling. Gave him more control.

She is all talk and no positive action. I too hope you reconsider a future with her. You do deserve much better. If she proclaimed this resolution, then I think you need to ask her what exact steps will she be doing or what exactly will she be doing differently, then write them down together as a team, then put a time frame in your head. I'd say 6 months if it were me. That's being generous!

(to respond to your post from 2008, no those are not normal things to say in a fight and I agree grounds for breaking up)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 2:40am
Gdstuff67, I had an answer all written out to you before I realized there was a key piece of information I didn't have. Is this ebay watch a good quality watch that's cheap because it's used or is it a poor quality watch that's cheap AND used?

Sorry for coming in so late then asking a question instead of giving my answer!

Another question, not about the watch though, what you've said about a therapist sounds like you have seen a therapist but aren't anymore, is that right? Did therapy end because the therapist thought you were no longer in need or did you end the therapy?

Thanks in advance ~










"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2008
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 9:41am

Actually I do still go to therapy, though not as often, as the therapist feels that is enough (every 6 wks or so).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 10:55am
I feel like this is an illusion and nothing is really going to change.



All your information seems to point to this conclusion. Even though you are only seeing your therapist every 6 weeks, it might be a good idea to call her up and let her know what is going on, maybe schedule an interim appointment, it might help.

"The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances." - Viktor Frankl.



Photobucket



Ten Rules for Being Human
"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 2:25am
I agree with what you've said here, Sienna, but want to point out that she didn't say she'd spent $100, he expects that's what she'll say. I'll be interested to hear how she presents the watch.













"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

~ Author unknown


Photobucket











"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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