Another new here post! lol
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am |
Hi All :)
I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol
My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.
I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.
We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.
We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.
My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.
I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.
We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.
Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.
I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.
Jessica

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I've been thinking a lot about what y'all have said. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have not decided for certain what to do. DH and I fought a lot this afternoon. I ended up yelling and our son heard. =( I feel terrible because now he is upset.
We were fighting about finances. Our house is dangerously close to foreclosure. We have to pay almost double our mortgage for the next 3 months to get caught up. He's now saying that he has no idea how we're going to do that. He's saying that the worst thing we could have done was buy this house. Our issues seem to be shifting and he's still blaming everything on something or me. He does not take any responsibility for anything. It's all me. I'm a terrible wife and mother. I feel like I'm useless and that it's all my fault. I feel like I have failed him and my children. I told him that we could not afford for him to leave and not bring in income till the house note is caught up so then he says I'm just using him to try to get us out of this bind and then I would want a divorce anyway.
I feel so torn. I hate feeling this way, but I honestly think we will lose the house for sure if he leaves now. But who's to say we won't be in this same situation in 3 months with the vehicles or something else?
He offered to get a 2nd job or even a 3rd job, but he says I will be complaining that he's never with me and the kids. He said it's a double edged sword. And he said if he gets another job that I better contact my uncle that's over my trust fund. I sent him medical bills for me that the trust was supposed to pay and it hasn't because he needs to balance the books. DH is insisting that I call him and demand that he balance them and send me money. I don't think I have a leg to stand on there and he's making it a HUGE issue. =(
Jessica
Hi Jessica
Before your husband considers getting more jobs and you contacting the trustee, you must get your current budget under control. Otherwise, all the extra money will just be frittered away too.
I agree with your husband that having extra jobs will stop him from seeing the children. And you shouldn't pull any money out of your trust unless a budget is in place and you can be assured that it won't be wasted on take out food and electric gadgets.
As it currently stands, you both work and you have income from the trust (or rentals?). Unless you live in an incredibly expensive area, there should be enough money coming in for your mortgage. If you are truly at risk of foreclosure, you both must stop ALL spending that is not necessary for basic living. No take away food at all. No snacks and junk food. No splurging on electric gadgets. No new clothes for anyone.
The two of you must fix the underlying problem (no budget) before anything will start to look better.
Home & Food Channel's Board Central Page 2
Those that seem most appropriate to me right now are
Debt Q & ADebt Support Group
Budgeting
Ask the Love & Money Expert >
When you say you can't be reimbursed for medical expenses because "he" hasn't balanced the books, I assume "he" is your husband, and not your uncle, right?
It sounds like things are beginning to snowball, they've been neglected and put to the side as long as they can, now the consequences are beginning to show in multiples and they all require attention "right now". If that's the case, panicking won't help. You'll have to deal with them and take care of the things necessary to make them right one at a time, there is no short cut.
Aisha's right, you need to get a firm hold on spending and NOW. No more money being spent unnecessarily by either of you, convenience is out of the question. If you want to eat, buy the food and make the meal yourself, and for now, other than food and bills, you shouldn't be spending money on anything.
Jessica, you're not a bad wife, a bad mother or a bad anything. You've allowed yourself to be pushed and led into things that you didn't want, probably often because it was easier than fighting the battle and since you'd be the bad guy there too, so you can't win. It's got to stop now, you have to put a halt to spending, be firm and be the bad guy if that's what it takes. Frankly, you're the one who's the adult and when you're dealing with kids (your husband qualifies as one) you, as the parent ARE the bad guy. So take it as you role and ignore the complaints and protests. Your husband is doing the same as he's always done, complaining, blaming and diverting attention and blame from himself. First up is talk to and calm your son, next up is get a death grip on the bank account and don't let up. Get some real help in how to deal with these urgent issues, followed by how to continue to deal with them in a way that will work over the long haul.
I'm sorry you're in the midst of this. No matter what happens, you'll get through it and you'll be okay. Let us know how you're doing, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks 2nd life.
I feel like I'm lacking all emotion right now. I feel so beaten down and just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I did check out the boards you recommended and just posted on one of them.
I made a budget tonight and we will be sticking strictly to it. I am so tired of all of the fighting and sleepless nights because there is not enough money. In all actuality we make enough to pay our bills and have some left over, but it's all being piddled away before bills are paid. He doesn't seem to care about the consequences of any of it.
By "he" I was referring to my uncle. My trust fund may be empty or very close. My husband is saying that my uncle has misappropriated funds and stolen from me and that I need to press charges. It's so crazy.
I'm trying to get everything under control. I hope I'll be able to do it. He's thrown around filing for bankruptcy for the past year.
What kind of control do you have over the money, Jennifer? I'm asking because if you have control of it, the bills should be paid first before any is able to be piddled away. It's so easy to spend a lot of money quickly when it doesn't seem like you're spending anything significant at all. If it's at all within your control, bills first, period.
I'm so sorry. You're husband's being a selfish jerk. He's not behaving like a responsible adult, not at all. Don't let him get you down, think of him as a greedy child who has no concept of responsibility, you be the adult and don't let his whining accusations get to you. Easier said than done, I know. Keep us posted.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
All of our money is in a joint account, except for a little bit that I have in a separate account that's mine. I am the one that usually does all the bill paying, when there's money there. Tomorrow is payday for him, it's direct deposited. It'll probably be $800 and the joint account is $-700 right now. It'll be brought positive just to go negative again. :(
Jessica
And he thinks this is okay? Did you mention this on the debt boards you posted on? Have you got responses to those posts?
Jennifer, I would think a good thing for you to do at this point is to open your own checking or savings account in your name only. As soon as his check hits your joint account take almost all that's there (say, $98 of the $100 that's left to right the arrears) and put it in your account. That way he can't get it and you have it to use for necessary things, it won't be piddled away.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
He's pissed about this, but says there's nothing he can do. We were hit with $200 in overdraft fees... that we can't afford, but can do nothing about now that it's done. That is why I do not know if it's best for me to stay till our house is all caught up or not. I do not know if it's going to keep happening. I did not mention this on the post on the debt board. I just realized it was so bad today. I thought it was $400 overdrawn, not $700.
Jessica
Jessica, I understand that you want to wait until things are better, but seriously, how and when are things ever going to be better? He continues to spend without regard to responsibilities or fiances; he's pissed about overdraft fees when he has no one to blame for them but himself. He's learning nothing. Nowhere am I hearing you say he says, "Boy have I learned my lesson, I will never let that happen again." Instead, he shifts the focus and the blame on the bank. Is he making any indication of changing? I know he said he'd get a second or third job, but if he continues to spend like it's water, the jobs won't do a thing, the money will be gone without having helped anything and your house, your vehicles, all of it will still be in jeopardy. SO, it seems that if you stay until things are better you'll be there for the rest of your life, while things continue to get worse, and worse, and worse.
I know you said your mom urged you to hang on until you had an education, etc., but really, you'll have a better chance to get your education without him bleeding you dry, won't you? How will you ever be able to afford to pay for school when there's never any money for it? At least as a single mother you'd have some funding availabilities. At the very least, you need to cut off him having access to the money entirely so so that you can begin to put things to right. Obviously, if you have the money you'll still have to play the grown up role and tell him know when he begs, pleads, puts you down and harasses you for money. If that doesn't sound too appealing, you're back to no struggling with him over money by making the break and handling things on your own. From what you've said, he's nothing but a drain so it would still be a positive step, both emotionally and financially for you and your kids.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
my signature exchange partner:
Living Together
Edited 10/27/2005 11:00 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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