Another new here post! lol
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am |
Hi All :)
I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol
My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.
I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.
We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.
We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.
My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.
I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.
We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.
Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.
I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.
Jessica

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Hi there.
Jennie, thanks so much for taking the time to come over and lend your financial wisdom. I so appreciate it and I'm sure Jennifer (Bayoumom) does too. You're so great!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Firstamendment has been posting on this board for a long time. She gives great relationship advice, and great financial advice too. She's the cl for the Divorce and Money board. I asked her to come over, read your situation and offer her suggestions. She's given you some really great, clear and concise steps to take to get this under control. This gives you direction, a way to stop the drain and start getting out of the financial mess you're in.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
Edited 10/28/2005 12:09 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks.
Thanks, 2nd life. I definitely agree with everything you said. I know that he is a drain on our finances, he always has been. I feel like I have to keep him around till we get the house caught up. I don't think I could trust him to pay a penny on the mortgage if he moved out. He seems to not care if we lose the house even if it means we'll be out with no where to live. The only option is moving back to his dad's house which would be no mortgage, but it's TINY. That seems to not phase him at all. I don't want to lose this house. $10k of my inheritance was put down on this house. That would be flushing it down the toilet.
Jessica
Jennie,
Thanks so much for your post. It has given me lots to think about. I have always admired you after reading your posts on the surviving divorce board. I have lurked there for almost a year. I have never posted because I haven't felt like it was that far gone, yet.
I do agree that the most important thing is getting the mortgage caught up. I am going to talk to him this afternoon and tell him he needs to get a 2nd job for 10 weeks, I think he's going to fight about it, though. He seems to have no pride, no respect for this household. He seems to not care at all if we lose what we have worked hard for. He has told me that he never wanted this house and only did it because I wanted it. Like in your situation, it was never mentioned before we bought the house, only after. He has said that the house is one of our biggest problems because we cannot afford the note. Which is not true. If he wasn't going through money like it grows on trees, then we wouldn't have any problems. Granted when we bought this house he was bringing home $600/month more. He seems to forget that. I mentioned it the other day and he just rolled his eyes. He seems to never take any responsibility for anything.
He keeps saying that if we had not had children so early we would not be having any problems. I don't understand that. We agreed to have children when we did. I know now that we were too young, but it's done... in my opinion there is no reason to go on and on about it being a mistake. I adore my children. They are wonderful kids and I have never wished for one second that I did not have them. I think right now that they are the only good that has come out of my marriage.
I did a budget last night with my rental income and childcare business and without him I would be $300 short a month. That is it. That does not seem like much to me. If I got one more full time child that would make up for the loss. And that's if he did not pay a penny in child support. I'm worried about getting another full time child and bringing in more before we go through a divorce, though because I would make more. Right now with the rental income and babysitting money I make $100/month more than he does. But I have tons of expenses with the rentals. And that's if I keep the house. I could not find a 2 bedroom apartment for much less than our house note is.
I am going to a therapist this afternoon on my own. I decided that it is time for me to be in individual counseling. My best friend told me last night that I feel like I don't deserve to be happy for some reason. She said that is something I need to figure out. I am going to the YWCA. I feel like he is emotionally and verbally abusing me. I told him I was going to counseling and he flipped out saying we could not afford for me to go. He refuses to go for himself because he says there is no money to go. I know we are very tight right now, but I think if things were important to him to work out that he would find some way to come up with $10 copay to go.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply, Jennie.
Jessica
There are so many similarities between your husband and my ex it's freaky.
It helps tremendously to know that someone else has been in a situation very similar to mine. The biggest difference that I can see is that your ex is seems to be very active in your daughter's life. Mine is not. I have to drag mine to do anything with them most of the time. Last night I was in the bath tub and the kids asked him if they could have a gogurt. Instead of getting them one he comes and asks me if it's okay for them to have one. WTH? I don't get that.
We tried marital counseling for a month. DH was lying a lot in counseling. He said that I told him I don't love him anymore and I'm not in love with him and I've never uttered those words. I feel like I'm living with a teenager for sure. I feel like I am the only adult in this relationship. I've told him that and he just rolls his eyes. He decided to stop going to counseling because all the counselor suggested was a trial separation. He said that wasn't helping anything. The counselor suggested seeing him alone and now he says he can't go because we can't afford it. One day he'll say he wants to try to make things work, then the next day he says that we should just end it so we're not fighting anymore. Trying to decide what I want to do is killing me. I'm hoping the therapist and talking things through will help me make a decision.
Jessica
I think the therapist will help.
The main reason I think my ex is so involved is that when dd was 1 year old he had to step up and do a lot.
I'm sorry to hear that you have rheumatoid arthritis. I can definitely understand that being one of the final straws seeing that he wasn't going to be the parent/husband/partner that he should be. There are times that I wonder if something happened to me if he would help out more and the bottom line is that I do not think he would. Especially when he is not worried enough about our finances when we are close to foreclosure to get a 2nd job temporarily. What do I do if he says he won't do it? I have thought seriously about me getting something on the weekends, but I'm worried that would make me have to pay alimony to him when we split. I am almost positive at this point that things will not work out. When we went to counseling he never seemed like he wanted to hear anything to help us make changes or admit that we have both contributed to our problems. It was alway pointing fingers. He said I'm controlling, possessive, passive-aggressive, etc. He says I don't *let* him do anything with our children.
Jessica
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