Another new here post! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Another new here post! lol
99
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am

Hi All :)

I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol

My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.

I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.

We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.

We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.

My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.

I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.

We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.

Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.

I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.

Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:02pm

I wouldn't suggest getting a second job for you at this point either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:07pm

Thanks again, Jennie! lol

The me working too much issue and using that against me is something that I never, ever would have thought of on my own. I am so glad you said that. I don't think joint custody would work in our case because my husband works nights. I would hate for the kids to be with a baby sitter all night, not to mention he wouldn't be able to afford it. That's another thing he's blamed our problems on... his working nights and not being here at night with me and the kids, but yet he's not trying hard to find something else with daytime hours. He says there's not a better job in our area for someone without a degree. Starting tonight he is working a 4 day 10 hour/day work week. He works all night and sleeps all day.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:10pm

I would guess with his schedule you would need some kind of unusual or flexbile visitation arrangement.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:11pm

Another huge issue I'm dealing with here is his mother. She calls at least once a week to pry about our marriage. She called this week and told me that I'm lazy and slothful. That I need to bring in another child to keep to take some of the pressure off my husband because of finances. That I am the pillar of the house and it is my job to protect him from everything I can. It is my job to be a virtuous woman. I am supposed to bring in income, do everything in the house, do everything my husband wants in and out of the bedroom. I am supposed to spend my life being nice to him, polite and not stir up problems. I told him all of this and he just laughed.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:14pm

Thanks for suggesting your board :) I read all of the resources yesterday... they are great :) I need to read more of the archives.

Do you think this new therapist would think I'm crazy if I came in with a paper or two with a few things I really want to talk about? I'm terrible about clamming up and not knowing where to start and wishing I would've said something after it's over, lol. Is that normal? I feel like I can't gather my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:27pm

Bringing a piece of paper to therapy with your thoughts is an excellent idea.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 12:45pm

I'm glad to know that's a good idea. I need to start having more faith in myself and not worry so much about what other people think about me. I hate that I'm like that. I'll know whether I like the therapist and click with her or not soon. I'm going in an hour.

It would be nice to successfully divorce the inlaws, definitely her, for sure. She has caused so much trouble. She has told me our whole marriage that I'm fat, not a godly enough woman, don't keep the house clean enough, etc. I'm sick and tired of dealing with it all. I can't talk to her lately without getting a terrible tension headache. I don't call her at all anymore, but she calls me. She pressures us to go to her church, etc. She called 4 times on a Sunday a few weeks ago asking us to come. She not only calls my home phone but cell phone, too. I don't know why I feel like I have to answer. I hate the thought of hurting someone's feelings by ignoring them. She causes so much stress, though.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 9:55pm
deleted. I hope I did what you wanted correctly, 2nd Life. If not, I apologize. It's hard to keep up when the threads get long and I have no idea how to reply to all.


Edited 11/1/2005 12:22 am ET by bayoumomof2
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 11:17pm

Perfect! I'll answer you below:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=9050.41







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:

Living Together



Edited 11/1/2005 12:32 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 11:20pm

More junk going on here. DH told me today that he will not go out and try to get another job because at the most he could bring in another $80-$100/month and it's not worth it. He said that I am not doing my "wifely" duties, therefore he's not going to do his "husbandly" duties. He said he hates this house and only agreed to get it because he thought it would make me happy. He says we should've never left his dad's 2 bedroom/1 bath 900 square foot home. He said the only reason we were unhappy there and crowded is because I have too much crap. It's all me... all my fault according to him. He says I have not been a wife since we had our first child. I have neglected him and only dealt with them.

UGH, any more advice? Why am I so twisted about what to do?

Jessica

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