Another new here post! lol
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am |
Hi All :)
I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol
My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.
I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.
We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.
We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.
My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.
I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.
We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.
Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.
I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.
Jessica

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I don't get that Jessica, I thought he was the one who offered to get a second (and third) job to cover the mortgage. I also don't get his statement about only being able to bring in another $80 - $100 per month doing that. My son (17) just got a part time job at an ice cream place, he's worked two days (four hours each) and made $50. Unless your husband's idea of a part time job is 12 hours per month, he'll absolutely be making more than $80 - $100.
Actually, I think I get it quite well, it's the same behavior and actions he always uses. What I really think is that he knows that and that he didn't expect you to take him up on his offer. The offer wasn't genuine, he never intended to follow through. When you agreed, he went into his usual mode of finding a way to put you down and blame you to take the focus off himself and the job he never intended to get.
What do you think? He refuses to do his part to bring the mortgage current and out of danger, refuses to be responsible with money at all. You can't make him get a second job, can you make certain the money doesn't get into his hands and is able to be used wisely? What do you intend to do from here? Have you talked to an attorney yet, or do you plan to?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Living Together
Edited 11/1/2005 12:50 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm not that familiar with foreclosure situations, but do you have equity in the home?
From having watch my Dh in the title industry for years, I know a few things about title and houses, etc.
1st, foreclosure is your WORST option. If you have any equity it is absolutely best to try and refi to bring your mortgage current, selling is your 2nd option. As far as the equity and who it goes to, that would depend on your marital situation and who is on the deed. If you are on the deed too, then you get your name on the check. Any title company would gladly answer the logistical questions involved. Unfortunately, if his name is the only one on the deed, his name would be the only one on the check. (Unless there was a court order giving you a portion of the house.)
A lot of places will give you new mortgages or what-not even with AWFUL credit. We;ve seen some dousies of deals out there. Most are bad, but it's better than losing your house. If you have any questions (general) then I can ask my DH about it and give you better answers. Can't be state specific unless you live in one of the states he worked in, and I don't think that, but things are fairly similar across the board.
Jen
Thanks 2nd Life.
I don't know why I'm having a hard time deciding if I want to try to work through things with him or not. He is the one that offered to get a 2nd or 3rd job, but then he turns around and says that it will not help us. I don't know why he doesn't think it will help, but he seems to not think so. Or either he's just too lazy to do it, I don't know which. I don't know where he's getting all this I'm not doing my "wifely" duties crap. I have tried and tried to be a good wife. I don't know what else to do.
He is trying to get the house refinanced. The bank said they could refinance it and we could get $6000ish out after closing costs were paid. He wants to use that money to pay off his truck, which would leave him with essentially no bills. He said the only reason he wants to do that is to free up more money to pay the mortgage. I am not sure if that's the right reason or not. I told him today that if we do that that we might get me a used car and let my van get repossessed. I don't know if that's the answer, but we're upside down in it and the payment is $508/month. His reply was "we'll see". I'm worried this is going to get extremely ugly.
I have made an appointment with an attorney. I have got to go talk to someone. I'm terrified of all the change and really don't know if divorce is the answer, but I'm so tired of being put down. I'm starting to believe all of these horrible things he says about me and I know that's not healthy.
Jessica
I like your ideas, Jennie. I hate the thought of selling this house. I don't know why I hold onto things like I do. I am trying to figure out if there is any way we can do anything at all other than sell. If we foreclose we lose the equity we do have in the house, plus I feel like I've lost some of my inheritance because it went into the house.
Thanks for your advice, again. Any ideas why I don't want to throw in the towel on my marriage? Is there a chance if he's been this way for the last 3+ years with everything getting worse that he will change? I just keep thinking if he changes then maybe we could be happy. I don't know why I think that. And I don't want to hurt him. I don't know why I feel that way.
He has never been violent other than throwing things, slamming doors, throwing or kicking the cats if they are in his way or bothering him and driving way too fast and scaring me to death in the car. I do not let him drive anymore if I'm in the car. He's scared me too much speeding, following too closely and waiting till the last minute to stop. I've come close to getting sick many times in the car because of his driving and he'll make comments that I'm overreacting and stuff.
Jessica
Thanks for replying, Jen. We are trying to refi right now to see if we can do this. I don't like what he wants to do with any money we pull out, but I feel powerless.
Jessica
I wouldn't take cash out on the refinace.
How much is the refi costing you in closing costs, how is the rate changing from what you have now, and how is the payment changing?
I'm so glad I have somewhere to come and talk about this. Right now our house note is $830/month... taxes and insurance included. We currently owe $103k. The house appraised for $131k 2 years ago. Our interest rate is around 8%. The mortgage company is trying to get us to refi $115k, I think it is. Closing costs would be between $4000-4500. Our interest rate would be 10.5%. Our note would go up to $1039/month.
I do think it would help us short term but not long term. We would be paying way more than we should. Why can he not see this? I feel like refinancing or foreclosure are the only 2 choices. He's pushing for it like crazy and thinks it would be the best thing to do.
Jessica
Whoa!
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