Another new here post! lol
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am |
Hi All :)
I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol
My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.
I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.
We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.
We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.
My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.
I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.
We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.
Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.
I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.
Jessica

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What type of mortgage do you have? Ie, is it FHA, Conventional, or VA loan? Those closing costs seem a little high to me.... especially for a one sided refi. And the rate going up that much, it's one thing if you are going to lose your house but you shouldn't refi to a higher payt. You definitely SHOULD NOT take out equity. For every $1000 you pull out, it will raise your monthly mortgage about $20 a month. So that $6000 left in would lower your payment about $120/month. And you really, really shouldn't refi to a higher payt if you can't afford your current payt.
Jen
Hi, Jennie! :)
I agree that all it looks like he cares about is getting the $6000 and going. And I agree that this looks like a terrible idea no matter how you look at it.
I went to see an attorney today. He told me how much I would get in child support and that if my husband stays at his current job that they will garnish his checks to get the support so I will get a regular check for it.
Another option is filing chapter 13 bankruptcy to keep the house. It would look bad on my credit, but I could keep the house and it would be less expensive than refinancing. My husband's reasoning on being able to pay the new, higher mortgage payment is that we will no longer have his truck note, which is $230/month, so we could handle the house note being higher. Overall the amount going out would be the same, but that would stick me paying for his truck for 30 years and him having no debt if he turns over the house to me.
Jessica
Thanks, Jen ;)
I agree with all you said. We have a 30 year conventional mortgage. Our credit was not the greatest when we bought the house and it has only gotten worse since we've been here and have had financial problems. I definitely agree that we should not refi to a higher payment, I think it's crazy. My husband is saying that it's either do that or lose the house. There's nothing else we can do, in his opinion.
Jessica
This is somewhat off subject here, but a detail I couldn't help but notice. It sounds like you're splitting money (at least to some extent) his and yours. You said he wants to take the $6000 and pay off his truck, but Jessica, you bought that truck with your money from the inheritance your dad left, didn't you? Doesn't sound like his truck to me at all, and in your present situation, I sure wouldn't be rolling over and giving it to him!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:Edited 11/2/2005 12:48 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It does sound that way. We put $3000 down out of my inheritance money. We have paid the note out of our joint checking account since then. There is $6k left owed. It is in his name only because we had a car in both of our names and I wasn't working when we bought the truck. I was a SAHM.
Jessica
Regardless of whether all the money came from your inheritance or not, Jessica, your husband has benefited greatly from it - and your rental properties. Really, what would he have without them? They've afforded him a lifestyle that he has done nothing to merit.
I have to say, it seems that he's done nothing but take your money and piss it away. Leaving you with nothing to show for it, and in dire straits to boot. It doesn't appear that he's done anything but selfish, greedy things. He's a drain on your pocket book and your mental health. I don't see much in the way of positives about him at all. You don't deserve what he's done and what he continues to do.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
ITA!
Are you saying in nice words that I need to find someway to divorce him? lol
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time letting go. I keep thinking maybe I can fix him, maybe I can make him happy, but I know that's not possible. I know he has to want to change and work on it himself.
I did see an attorney yesterday. I found out that it would cost me $1250 up front for him to file the papers. Now I have to try to find a way to catch the house up and come up with the money to divorce him. I feel like I'm in a big black hole sinking deeper atm. I don't know how I can do it all. I called another attorney today that I've been trying to get ahold of for a week that was out of town and she can do it for $700, including court costs, if we wait till after we've been separated for 6 months to file. That is if we agree on absolutely everything, there is no bickering and we only use her and he does not get another attorney. I don't know if that will work or not.
Jessica
I agree with her, too, Jennie... I hate to think that way of him because I was in love with him at one time and have children with him.
I'm trying to figure out how to proceed from here. I want to divorce him and get on with my life, I've just got to figure out how to pay for the divorce along with trying to get the house caught up.
Jessica
You've talked about his mother and it's pretty easy to see where the learned his behavior, his attitude, his words, right down to the way he cuts you down. He's exactly like she is. This is who he is, he learned it as a child, grew up having it reinforced and now he's doing it to you. That's the cycle. Your kids are in line and learning this same stuff from him. Unless something happens to stop them from having it fed to them, they'll grow up and complete the cycle, having learned it from their dad just like their dad learned it from his mom.
I was thinking about you today. A few days ago you said you thought that what he did to you was abuse. The basic definition of abuse is an action that's designed to control and that's exactly what he does. He uses his put downs, his cutting words to keep you feeling stupid, less capable, wrong, etc. In doing that he squashes your spirit, your strength, your belief in yourself. He puts you down and keeps you down, blames you for things you aren't to blame for, even lies about what you've said and done. Those things keep you confused, keep you defending yourself against things you haven't done and it keeps your attention and the focus of the problems off what he's doing. That's what it's designed to do and that's what abuse does. Keeps you down, keeps you stuck, keeps you controlled. He's doing a number on you all right, big time. I guarantee you when you leave him he'll have all kinds of awful things to say about you. You'll be abandoning him he'll use all kinds of tactics and ploys to make what you're doing seem awful and wrong. Just like always, he'll be the innocent one and you'll be the awful, uncaring one. So brace yourself for that, but do remember, once you're through that one last tirade, you'll be done listening to them forever. And one more thing to remember always while he's telling you how wrong, awful, stupid, lazy, etc., you are? You're not any of those things. Not a tiny bit of them.
I can't help you with your finances and your house problems, I'll leave that in the capable hands of the "two Jennies". And I do understand it's hard/impossible(?) to pay for a divorce and save your house. You said you'd found a lawyer who would charge a minimal amount if there are no problems, but Jessica, I can only believe divorcing this guy is going to be one problem after another. He's not going to go away quiet or easy, he's going to whine, complain and demand a lot and I'd expect he'll to get every single dime he can, I don't doubt he'd take it all and leave you and the kids destitute if he could.
Check the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board's Domestic Abuse Board’s Homepage , there is a section on divorce, divorce, custody, state by state resources, child support and divorce laws by state, pro bono groups and more. Verbal abuse is abuse, and if these groups can help you, and help you for free, all the better. Even if that's not the case (and I don't know why it wouldn't be) there is a lot of divorce information there for you. WomensLaw.org is another site that has a huge amount of information. Consider posting on the Domestic Abuse board, or lurking there for insight and encouragement. While you're on their homepage, read the other articles too.
You said you didn't know why you had such a hard time knowing what you wanted to do. I know why. It's because of all the negative, hurtful words he throws at you all the time. You doubt yourself, part of you believes him and those feelings and beliefs that you're horrible, you're wrong and you're stupid make you feel like you are wrong, that this is your fault, that you should try harder, be nicer, work more, that you can't make it on your own and that you're not right to think you should have a different kind of life. Guilt and shame are awful things and he's filled you with both. I wish I could strip away all that he's covered you with for all these years. I wish you the kind of peace and happiness that comes from a life without him and his treatment.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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