Another new here post! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Another new here post! lol
99
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am

Hi All :)

I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol

My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.

I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.

We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.

We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.

My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.

I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.

We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.

Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.

I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.

Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 11:12pm

Wow. I have tears streaming down my face right now. This is the 2nd time I have read your reply and bawled. You are exactly right on everything you have said. There is part of me that believes if I would just try harder, not stand up for me, not talk back to him and just take whatever he dishes out then things would be ok. My mom tells me just to ignore him and count to 10 before saying anything at all. I don't want to live the rest of my life like that. Part of me wonders if marriage is like this and if I'm just not happy with it. My mom tells me not to be stupid and go out and find another man if I get divorced because none of them would be any better. UGH.

I found another attorney that would do the filing even cheaper, but of course that is still if there is no fighting. I honestly don't have any idea if he would fight me or not, but it wouldn't surprise me if he got ugly. The only way it would be cheaper is if we seperate for 6 months then file. But if we seperate then he will take his paycheck and I still have to come up with some way to try to keep the house current. I don't know if it would be wise to go ahead and file bankruptcy so I could get out of the marriage asap or what.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 11:51pm

No Jessica, marriage shouldn't be like this, most men aren't like this and if men and marriage were typically like this who the hell would be in relationships and get married???? And if they'd been married once and gotten out why in the world would anyone go back? Answer: 99.9% would not. Going back to a life like that would be insane. At least it would certainly be a dismal, unhappy existence. To be clear, good, healthy marriage is not like this, not at all. You married when you were in your teens, with no life experience, not fully grown and matured (either of you). You made a choice based on zero experience, before you were done growing and maturing yourself (no way you could have known what you wanted for your adult life nor could you have known who he would be when he finished growing himself). You said earlier that your mother regrets divorcing your dad, with her statement about no men being any better makes me wonder why she regrets divorce and it also makes me think her marriage experience was pretty dismal too. As for counting to ten and counting your blessings, I say what blessings? He's sucking the life and resources out of you.


Let's wait for Jennie to talk about houses vs. divorces, and check out those sites I suggested, you might just find a way to do both.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 7:52am

Thanks :) I did check out the sites you sent me and I will be doing more reading on them today. They are very informative. The attorney that I went to said that we could fight for alimony based on the fact that there has been emotional and verbal abuse, but it would be a he said she said thing. And that might mean getting the kids seen by a psychologist, which I could do if needed, but it would all push the cost up. He said it is very hard to prove.

I'm glad to know that marriage is not like this. I think I have been demeaned and put down for so long that I just can't seem to make up my mind on anything. I know that's what he wants. He hopes by doing this I will stay... I think. It seems like everything was perfect for the first 6 years when I was by his side doing everything he told me to do, but now he says I was no wife from the time we had our 1st child, which was only 2 years into our marriage. I think he only wants me here to do everything for him. I am trying to stop doing that. I am trying to stop believing that it is my wifely duty to do it all for him. I know now that that is not the way it is supposed to be.

I am still trying to figure out a way to get him out and keep the house. I don't know if I can declare bankruptcy solo while we're married and his name is on the house or not. Or even if it's worth declaring bankruptcy to get out of this misery.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 8:21am

Jessica,

I was talking to my dad the other day about me and my situation, and I asked him if it's normal to feel like I do. I don't feel I can make any decision and I feel very muddled and confused. My DH sees things one way and he's so adamant about how things ARE this way, but the thing is, he is the ONLY one who sees him this way. But it still makes me question my sanity. My dad said that only an insane person wouldn't question their sanity when presented with a differing view as strong as my DH (or yours). And my DH isn't doing NEAR what your DH is doing. Mine just sees his actions as okay and reasonable while yours is on some type of mission to beat you down. It's very okay to be confused by all that. Doesn't make you stupid, it makes you a heck of a lot saner than your DH.

If you want, I can ask my DH more about your house. He has said that bankruptcy is one option. We also discussed the merits of you selling your house, though I know you don't want to. BUT, getting a cheaper place for you and the kids if you divorce your DH would not be a bad thing. As of 2 years ago you had $28K in equity and all houses (pretty much) have appreciated decently in the last 2 years. So we are assuming that selling would get you around $25K. And if you are in the deeper south near all the hurricane problems, you might have a super-inflated value right now because of the lack of housing. On the flip side, you would need to look at that as to whether or not you could get something affordable for you and the kids.

Jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:20am

Question for you, Jessica.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:34am

Thanks, Jen... that makes me feel a lot better. I do feel like I can't make decisions because of the way I've been treated all this time. And I have this weird issue that I feel like it is my problem to try to fix him, to just try a little harder. I don't know why. I don't know if it was the way I was raised, or what.

We got an amazing deal on this house and couldn't get anything half this size for the same price, not to mention that I wouldn't be able to get financing with only my income. We are only paying $839/month, well, once we get caught up and a 2 bedroom 1 bath home around here in a decent area rents for around $600-$650/month. My rent house that is in a decent area that is 3 bedroom 1 bath rents for $895/month. We're in northeast LA, about 4 hours from south LA.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:43am

Thanks for your reply! :) I don't know that I believe there are wifely duties. It's just been drilled in my head so much by his mom and him. About how I am supposed to take care of everything to make life easier for him. Yes, I believe there are things that a husband should do. He should provide for his family. He should be there for his wife emotionally. He should communicate with her and treat her as an equal. None of that is happening in my house. His mom told me yesterday that I should find another kid to keep to bring more income into the house and that I should not keep a scorecard on who makes more because you have to pay a price to keep your family. WTH?

I can't live in one of the rentals =( I have a lease on one for the next 3 years, so I can't kick them out and it brings in a little more money than my mortgage is. And the other one is in a very bad section of town, unsafe and my family would stick out like a green thumb. That was a good suggestion, though =)

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 7:51pm

Too bad that won't work, I was thinking the same thing as our CL.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 10:39pm

I totally agree. When I was married to my ex I used to think life without him would be the same amount of work with less stress, and I was right. The stress came from him, without him in the picture it was a breeze. Even when things were tight and a struggle, not having to deal with his whining, screaming and complaining made it easily handleable.


I've thought the same as you suspect, Jennie, that without him and the drag he puts on finances, her bottom line would increase, not decrease.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 3:32pm

Thanks, Jennie :)

I have done a stand alone budget just for me and without any child support at all I will be $300 short per month. If I could find just one more child, that would make up the difference. I went to see an attorney and he said that by using both of our incomes that he will be required to pay $450/month in child support to me if I had custody. He also said that if he stays at his present job they will garnish his check.

He is tearing me down and I think he has our whole marriage. I think I just looked the other way and always thought something was wrong with me. He hasn't been too bad this week, other than the huge fight on Monday. He hasn't spoken to me much since then, though. We seem to be in a cycle where we're either fighting, not speaking at all or everything seems great between us. There are times when he is nice and polite as can be, but those are getting fewer and farther between.

I went to counseling once. I thought the lady was ok, but I think she was younger than me, single and no kids. I kinda felt like she couldn't relate. I was supposed to go back today, but hubby said he couldn't watch the kids because he worked last night and had to sleep. You would think he could get up for 1.5 hours and just sit on the couch or something and let me go then go back to bed, but that's too much to ask or expect of him. I know I would've done that for him if the situation was reversed.

Jessica

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