Another new here post! lol
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am |
Hi All :)
I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol
My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.
I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.
We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.
We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.
My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.
I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.
We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.
Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.
I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.
Jessica

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Hi 2nd life :)
I do agree that things would probably be easier handled without him and the whining and complaining and putting me down. The biggest thing stopping me from asking him to leave right now, today is that for the next 3 months the mortgage is $1500 instead of $839. If I had any way to get my hands on $3k and get it caught up then pay the $839/month I would ask him to leave today. He makes comments all the time that I'm only keeping him around to get caught up and then will divorce him, but I don't believe that's accurate because it's his responsibility to get us caught up, too... not only mine. I don't understand where his thoughts are coming from thinking like that.
Jessica
If you can make it on your own financially by taking in one more child... I see no reason not to do it.
One thing you can be sure of, if it goes that way (you asking him to leave when the house is paid up) he's going to full on accuse you of doing just that -- keeping him around just to get the mortgage paid up. And you know what? So what if he does. He owes you. He's taken and taken and taken from you and if that's all you're doing is keeping him around to get some money from him to help you out, you are soooo entitled to do just that. He won't see it that way, but who cares? He's going to make you the bad guy no matter how it goes. And you're right, getting the mortgage caught up is his responsibility too, he's the reason it's behind after all. His idea of fair is that he walks away leaving you holding the bag and responsible for trying to pay it up by yourself, on your own. You know that. He's never been a responsible person, he doesn't believe he needs to be, that's not going to change. If you're worried about what he'll think, you need to stop and realize no matter how this happens, you are going to be the bad guy. Shoot, you're the bad guy without asking him to leave, so really, what's the difference, he's going to tear you down either way. At least getting him out will mean you don't have to continue to listen to his crap.
I totally agree with Jennie on the therapist too, if you don't feel she's right for you, get another one. The connection you feel with your counselor is critically important. I'd also suggest you do one of two things for your next appointment, either make plans for someone else to watch your kids to assure you can go or be prepared to walk out of the house regardless of what he says (assuming of course that he wouldn't just leave the house and leave the kids alone). Jessica, his actions continue to prove to you that life without him would be no more difficult. If you have to find childcare because he won't watch them, it's just like you're on your own, you have to make your own arrangements. Actually, it's easier without him because in that situation, you're clear on what you need to do, you don't have to wonder if he will or won't watch them, and you won't be left holding the bag at the last minute.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks, Jennie :)
I'm feeling somewhat better this afternoon. Weekends are always miserable for me. I hate them because he's at home. I hate that I feel that way, too. I'm guessing right now the best thing to do is try to keep peace till we can get the house caught up. Although there are times that I wonder just how much worse other things will be by the time that happens.
I think I'm going to give the counselor one more try and if I'm not happy with it then I'll try to find someone else.
Jessica
Thanks, 2nd life.
I appreciate all of the help and advice I have gotten from this board. It has been extrememly eye opening. I really at times think I still love this man, but at other times I think I just feel sorry for him. I know he had a terrible childhood. I know he was brought up with his mom doing everything for him and his step dad. I know that he was taught that a woman should do everything and the man nothing, but bring in a paycheck. I just can't live the rest of my life being blamed for everything that goes wrong. Not to mention being completely ignored when he's not happy with me.
Jessica
This may be a repeat, Jessica, and if it is, I apologize. But, I can relate to how you feel about your husband's childhood completely. My ex had a lousy childhood, an abusive, violent, angry father and my husband was "the whipping boy". I felt so bad for him and what he'd lived and was certain it was the reason for the way he was (I'm still sure that's correct). I spent a lot of years believing I could help him get over the torment and demons that I perceived him to have living inside him. I believed I could "fix" him, felt that by showing him an example of a "normal", "healthy" marriage home life that he would somehow be transformed and behave as a "normal", "healthy" man should behave. The fact is this:
I was the only one working on his problem. He was doing nothing to try and work through his issues, resolve them, get better, nothing. He was "happy" (if you can call it that) to continue life as he lived it, the person he was, the actions and behavior he had. I was the only one working on his issues, and really, how can someone who not only isn't the person with the issue, but also has no part in the issue (the issues he had didn't involve me, they were childhood issues, occurring decades before I knew him) play any part in resolving them, let alone be the one to "fix" them!??!?!?!? The obvious answer is they can't. He's the only one who can do a darned thing about his issues and he was doing nothing. Clearly, nothing was going to change. I could see feeling like I should stay if he was actively working to resolve them, but he wasn't, so why did I feel I needed to stay? It made no sense. All I had to reasonably expect was him to remain exactly as he was. When I left him, I actually said, "I'm sorry you're not happy and I'm sorry you had a lousy childhood, but I'm not going to pay for that with the rest of my life." And guess what -- fast forward seven years after our divorce, he was exactly the same as he'd been when we were married, he'd not changed one bit. It took my breath away to realize I could still be stuck in that awful hell. Now it was a girlfriend, not me stuck there and all I had for her was pity -- and a huge amount of gratitude that it wasn't me.
Long story, I know (like I'm capable of a short one), but I thought it was important for you to hear it and hopefully have the realization that took me 17 years to get. I'd rather you learn from my experience and get my "aha" much sooner than I did than to continue to struggle, feeling bad for someone who's doing nothing to help himself and waiting for a change that's not going to come.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with your concern about something else coming up while you're trying to get the house straightened out. I think if there's any way you can get tighter control over the money, you should do it. Do you have credit cards? If so, can you call and cancel them so he can't charge things without your knowledge? I'm sure there are some things you can do along those lines to protect yourself from charges you didn't make or authorize, maybe Jennie will know exactly what steps you can and should take.
A warning about credit cards -- my ex volunteered to take the credit card debt in our divorce. I shredded my cards, assuming he'd do the same. He didn't. He charged them to the max, then declared bankruptcy. Guess who the credit card companies come after. It doesn't matter that there's a divorce decree that says he's responsible, the cards were in both our names, and if he defaults, they become the problem of the other party. I was stupid, don't you be.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
From what I understand, if you cancel a credit card and it has a balance on it, the balance becomes due and payable immeadiately. (I could be wrong so look into this more if you think about doing it.) If the cc's are on your credit and DH just is an authorized user NOT a joint account holder, it would be fairly easy to get him off, BUT it would really tip him off that there was something in the works. So, especially if he has a temper at all, be very careful about WHEN you would do that.
Jen
P.S. Credit card companies can and do pull credit frequently and even if you've never paid THEM late, they will raise your APR if you have paid ANYONE late.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have 2 credit cards that he is an authorized user on. I'll get him off of them.
The tension here is getting unbearable. I'm not wanting to be in the same room as him, much less look at him or talk to him. I asked him why he said I have not been a wife since our son was born 7 years ago and he said that I have ignored him, neglected him, paid no attention to him since we have had children. He said that he has felt like a non entity here since our first child was born. So, I'm guessing he's been unhappy since then, but he's just now telling me 7 years later. We have a 2nd child now and would've had a 3rd if I hadn't miscarried 2 years ago. So, how do I deal with that? He's been unhappy and lying to me because a year ago he told me he was happy with us and hurt that I wasn't.
We went to the park as a family Sunday and I found out yesterday from my daughter that he told the kids that it would have been much more fun if I had stayed home and let them go alone. WTH? That makes me feel terrible. Not only is he saying that he doesn't want me around, he's saying it to the kids. I feel like he's trying to alienate me from them.
Jessica
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