Another new here post! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Another new here post! lol
99
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am

Hi All :)

I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol

My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.

I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.

We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.

We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.

My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.

I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.

We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.

Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.

I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.

Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:27am
Jessica, real quick response here - I'm at work and have a desk piled high - you seem confused about your








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 5:02pm

Thank you :) I needed to hear that today. I am feeling down about the whole situation. I don't believe that he's been unhappy all this time. More than likely that was a lie... or he's been lying to me the whole time we've been having issues. One or the other.

Sometimes I feel like it's clear to everyone but me that I need to end things with him. I flip flop and ride the fence and am terrified to make the choice. I am starting to think this is not a good environment for the kids. We are going to have a big mortgage payment 1 of 3 due in 20 days and he is still not worried about it. He is ignoring it and not trying to do anything to help save/conserve what we can so that we are able to pay it. Him and his mother want me to bring in more children to bring in extra income because I am home anyway.

I think it's easy for me to buy into the accusations and blame because that's all I've ever heard from him. To think we got along so great when we were dating and newlyweds. I don't see how right now. We never fought. It's odd to think about that now.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 10:26pm

More than likely his nasty words are a way to take the focus off him. You said you don't even want to be in the same room with him, he certainly knows you're angry and/or disgusted with him (both would be appropriate based on what you've told us) by saying hurtful things that attack you he attempts to try and make you defend yourself, look at yourself (and blame yourself) thereby taking your thoughts and your focus away from where it is now -- on him. He doesn't want it there. He's always controlled you by blaming, putting you down and accusing you, he knows it works, it keeps you in line and probably, your history says if you're mad at him, after he hits you with something hurtful, you look at yourself, forget about him and pretty soon you're back to treating him like you generally do, as though nothing ever happened and as though you were never mad at him in the first place -- even though nothing's been resolved. It's been a great way of avoiding issues and keeping them swept under the rug. You, however are getting to the point where there are too many things under the rug, there are too many to stay there any more.


Sweetie, of course you got along great when you were dating and first married. You were 17 -- you were just a kid! You had no idea what you'd mature into and you had no idea what he'd mature into, you had zero life experience and no idea what responsibility was. I'm betting if you were dating today you, as a mature woman would be paying close attention to things like how your boyfriend handles his personal life (finances, home, etc.), what his parents are like (it's a safe bet he's going to be a lot like them), much of the problems you have now you probably couldn't have foreseen as you had nothing to see as evidence of his responsibility. Besides, again, you were a naive, immature kid, you had no idea what you were looking at and how that might transfer into the adult he would become. I'm betting you can look back and see things that today would tell you there would be trouble in a marriage with him. Don't blame yourself, you were a kid.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:12pm

Thanks for the reply :) I really appreciate that! I feel much better right now about things. I think you are right. I do think he attacks me because he wants to take the focus off of him.

Now I need to decide whether or not I want to try to stick it out till after the holidays and the house is caught up or not. I'm really at a loss there.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 1:41am

Jessica, it's easy to get down on yourself because after all this time you're used to it; it's like the "normal" reaction for you. That'll change.


It sounds like you've made a decision, the only thing left to decide is whether to do it now or later, is that right? If you're ambivalent, I guess I'd have you ask yourself what you'd do if the house was caught up. Would that change what your first choice would be? If you'd choose to end it now if the house were caught up, then I'd say sitting down like Jennie suggested, working on a budget to find out whether you can do it on your own, and/or what you need to do to make it happen, then act based on what you find. If you can't do it on your own, figure out how to control the money so you can prevent other problems coming in and taking over when the house is caught up (remember, that could be a ploy of his too, keeping problems coming so you always have something to take care of before you can address leaving); if it's taking in another day care child see if you can rustle up another kid so you can move that big one out (your dh). I think making those decisions are the next steps.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:28pm

Hi Jessica.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:35pm

Hi Jennie :)

Thanks for asking :) I did get the house payment made. I'm not sure how I did it, but I did. Now I'm trying to figure out a way to get the next one made. Honestly we have enough coming in to pay our monthly bills, but as far as we are behind on everything I don't know how we're going to get caught up. I am so stressed and can't sleep. I don't know what to do. I ran an ad in the paper and am hoping to get another child or two, but I don't if it's going to help much atm.

I went to the therapist again yesterday. I'm still not certain if she's a good fit for me. She told me that the answer lies within me on whether or not I want out and she can't help me decide that. I thought she could help me talk it through to help me make that decision, but maybe I have unrealistic expectations. She said it sounds like I don't want to end my marriage. I'm not sure what I want, but I don't think things are going to get any better if I stay. He has been really nice the last few days instead of us fighting, but I don't think things will stay that way and if he's not willing to help more with the bills then I don't know if being nice matters, anyway.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:07pm

Hello Jessica,


Stay with her until you are sure that the fit just doesn't work for you.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:57pm

You may not know how you will get the next payment made, but you got the first one made and that is a big accomplishment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:06am

Great for you, Jessica! I'm so glad you were able to make the payment! I understand how you're feeling though, it's hard to feel relief when your other bills step right up and take the worry place of the big one you just paid.


This may be something you've already done, but it's something a lot of people miss completely and it's important so I'll mention it. Have you called the companies and creditors that you're worried about? A simple call, explaining the problem (you don't have to give them details, just saying you're struggling right now is enough) and letting them know you're aware that the bill is owed, are concerned and want to let them know (I'm guessing here) that you can't make a full payment but can make a partial payment and will catch it up as soon as possible will go a long way with them. Just hearing from you tells them you're not trying to beat them and if they have the chance, they'd rather work with you than to turn you over to collections or shut off a utility. I'd suggest calling them every month until you're completely caught up. They will almost certainly be willing to work with you, and if they are, it'll help ease the worry that you have.


As far as your counselor goes, tell her what you said here, what you expected and see what she says. I'm not at all surprised your husband has been nice the last few days, but I'm betting you know through years of living with him what's reality.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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