Another new here post! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Another new here post! lol
99
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 10:59am

Hi All :)

I've been lurking here for awhile and thought I would finally introduce myself and hope to get some advice or something! lol

My name is Jessica. I am 27 and have been married for a little over 9 years. I married my high school sweetheart. We have two young children. They are 5 and 7.

I married this man thinking he was my prince charming. The answer to my prayers. We both come from divorced families and for the longest time I tried telling myself that no matter what I would never divorce because I didn't want my kids to grow up having to go back and forth to mom's and dad's. Now I'm starting to wonder if our only option is divorce.

We seem to have grown so far apart over the years. The first 2 years were great, or so I thought. Now he tells me that I was too controlling and possessive and he has NO friends because I never wanted him to get together with them and leave me alone. Now I am the first to admit that I was very insecure. I was 17 when we married. I wanted him to spend all of his time outside of work with me. I realize now that that was probably a mistake. I put my friends on hold and never did anything with them unless it was with my husband, too. Luckily my best friend from high school stuck by me. We're not near as close as we used to be but we are still great friends. Hubby's best friend moved to another state, roughly 5 hours away, but I was always happy for him to come spend the weekend with us whenever. I didn't mind him being around, thought he was a great guy. Eventually their relationship ended, I'm not sure why. Hubby still throws it in my face that he no longer has any friends because of me... because he was afraid to leave me at home and go somewhere with them because he never knew how I would react when he got home, if I would yell at him or give him the silent treatment and it just wasn't worth that. He only told me these things about a year ago when we started fighting frequently.

We decided to have our first child when I was 19, he was 22. I was working part time and started working full time during that pregnancy. He quit his job while I was pregnant because he did not like it. He didn't have any luck finding anything else so he worked for family members for awhile. He landed a decent paying job one month before I had the baby. He worked great hours, finally had benefits, great pay for around this area... the best pay he'd ever had. We had moved into a rent house that his Dad owns during my pregnancy while he was unemployed. We lived there rent free and only paid the bills. He still did not want to save. He wanted to spend everything he made. We got a newer vehicle as soon as we could with a cosigner because I had no credit and his was terrible. That vehicle is gone now, we've traded it in for something newer and better without a cosigner. My grandmother died and I got some money. He insisted on putting it as a down payment on a truck for him so we would not have to use 1 vehicle. Which of course made life easier for me, so I said yes. Before we got the truck we had our 2nd child. Things seemed to be ok with one child, other than the fact that my husband very rarely spent any time with him. He went to work and came home and got straight on the computer to play games. He always refused to get up at night with the kids because he worked and I quit my job when our first child was 5 months old to stay home. I was a stay at home mom and according to him could sleep any time so it was my responsibility to deal with the kids 24/7. And I was breastfeeding so there was nothing he could do anyway... he could not feed them. I dealt with all this and was still at the point that I thought everything was going to be ok because I loved him. I kept hoping that he would change that he would become a better more active father in his kids lives. So, we were 21 and 24 and had 2 children under 2. We were struggling to make ends meet but for the most part were happy together.

My grandmother passed away when I was 24 leaving me money and 2 paid for rent houses. The rent houses are in a trust so that I cannot sell them until I am 30. I am responsible for all upkeep and expenses on the houses and I get the income monthly from them. Then when I turned 25 I got some money from a trust fund set up after my dad passed away. We used that money as a downpayment on our house. We moved into this house in December 2003. In January 2004 my husband lost his job and I found out I was having a miscarriage in the same week. He was out sick when he lost his job, but he was not a dependable worker. He usually called in sick on average of 2 times a month. For something simple or just because he did not want to go. His dad warned him about a year before he lost his job that he better be careful. My husband did not believe they would ever get rid of him because he did such a good job and they just couldn't make it without him. Well, lo and behold he got sick. He called on a Tuesday, told them he had a doc excuse and may not be in for the rest of the week. He had pleuresy. He never called them back, just assumed because he told them he may not be in and had an excuse that it would be fine. He went in on the following Monday and they terminated him for missing 3 days in a row without calling. I had to have a D&C the following week. So here we are with things ok financially and now all of a sudden our income is reduced drastically. I am a SAHM and my only income was $1400 from the rent houses. He slowly started looking for work. I did most of the job searches online and applying for things online for him. He went on interview after interview. He finally got a job through a hiring agency in April 2004. It was bringing in about $600/month less than the other job, but he finally had something and we had benefits again. One month after hubby got this job my rent house that was bringing in $900/month caught on fire. Almost the entire inside was gutted. I had insurance on it and we received enough to do renovations and have some left over. There were months that I had to dip into this money to pay our living expenses because of hubby being unemployed and then the loss of most of my income. I had a contract with a contractor and thought there was going to be plenty and wasn't as careful as I should've been. The contractor ended up scamming me and disappeared. So now I am out of money, the house is not finished. I did not know how I was going to come up with $8000 needed to finish the construction so that we could get another tenant in there to bring the income in again. I went to my dad's brother and told him what happened and he said he would loan me the money if we(hubby and I) would do a lot of the work ourselves. We ended up doing lots of painting, tried blowing insulation in the attic(hubby fell through ceiling), etc. Hubby had a fit because he was not qualified to be up there blowing insulation. So now he hates my uncle, hates that whole side of my family. Hubby says they've done nothing but bad for me and my brother and he thinks they're horrible people. So, we have our house because I got that inheritance, we have $1300/month coming in because of them, he got a truck because I paid the down payment from inheritance from that side of my family, but he hates them and thinks they're terrible people.

I returned to school full time in September 2004. I was able to go the fall semester and the spring semester. Then I had to start working part time to help supplement income. I could not go back this fall because we could not afford it. I started watching children in my home last April in order to be home with my kids and bring in income. We finally got the rent house back in shape, have a tenant and just started getting the income this month. I have told hubby repeatedly that he needs to get a 2nd job because we cannot make ends meet. We are so far behind on our house note and his truck note because of the reduced income for the past 18 months. Now he's talking about possibly selling his truck and/or his computer in order to pay some things and get us back on track. I do not want to go back to one vehicle for one because the down payment for that truck was from my inheritance... it will be wasted if it gets repoed. Two, I do not want to be without a vehicle, he would have to use it at night to go to work.

We have been in counseling for a month, but it seems to be going nowhere. For the past year any time I have tried to talk about a problem he's brushed me off by saying he's not talking about it. Or he'll say if it's that bad to leave. Or he'll say ok, let's just get divorced. He says I'm passive aggressive. He told me a year ago that I'm a terrible mother, a terrible wife. He said nothing he ever does is good enough for me. We should just go ahead and get a divorce because that would be the end to the fighting. Then the next day he'll be sweet and say he wants to work things out. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him. I never know what kind of mood he'll be in. Around family he's so sweet and upbeat but here at home, he's miserable to be around most of the time. But occasionally he can be so nice. There are days that I think I love him and things will be ok, but there are more and more days that I am completely and utterly miserable.

Our kids can tell we are not happy. They are so insecure. They want to be held a lot and sleep with me at night. They do not like for me to be out of their sight.

I'll end this now, I feel like I've written a book. If anyone has any insight or advice I would love to hear it.

Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 12:25am

Thanks! :) I will call and talk to them. I don't know if it'll do any good, but I'll try :)

It's gotten to the point that I'm not sleeping well. I'm having anxiety and stomach issues and I know it's not a good thing to go through.

I thought or maybe hoped that he was changing because he was so nice for the past several days. When he does that it throws me completely off balance and makes me think he's trying. But then tonight at our son's Thanksgiving play he made a comment that I'm uptight. I don't understand why he would say something like that in front of me to my Mom, his Mom and his step-Mom. It made me feel like crap. Then he made a comment about me being room mother last year for our son's class, but he said he ended up doing most of it. WTH?!?!?!?!?!?!
Yes, he did pick up the slack and helped with 1 field trip and possibly 2 parties for the class, but those are things an involved parent already does. Again that made me feel like crap and like I'm not doing my job as a Mom. Why does he do these things? Why do I feel like I still need him?

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 1:28am

They can be really uncomfortable phone calls to make (who wants to make a call like that?) but it really does make a difference.


My thought on why your husband acts like that is that he's a person who feels better about himself if he puts someone else down. When he senses you're getting close to leaving or feels you distance yourself more than is comfortable to him (danger of leaving) he's nice so that you do just what you do, think he's changing, relax up and draw back into the relationship. Once you've been there for a few days, he feels more secure and more in control and he can go back to being nasty. A book you might want to read is “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft . You mentioned before that you felt your husband was abusive, and his verbal attacks and put downs are abusive. The book may open up your eyes to a lot of things about him. Check with the library to see if they have it, that way you can read it without having to buy it.


As for why you still feel you need him, there could be lots of answers, or a mix of several. You've been with him since a teenager, being alone probably seems scary and intimidating, you may feel you can't do it on your own, even though you really know it would be easier without him. It may be simply because of the cycle you described that keeps you sucked in and thinking there's a chance. You may remember it kept me hooked in for a long time, maybe you're doing the same thing. Going out on a limb here....what was your relationship with your dad like when you were growing up? How did he treat you? How did he treat your mom? There might be a clue there.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 7:10am
I agree with CL, calling them makes a lot of sense.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:35am

Thanks for replying again, CL :)

I do wonder if he's purposely doing this to try to keep me off balance and because he knows I'm optimistic and hope things will get better. I have no idea. I definitely think it makes him feel better about himself to put others down. I didn't really know if what he said last night would be considered a put down or not. I've been with him so long and have listened to it so long that even though it upsets me and I know it's not right I feel like I'm wrong to think it's wrong. Does that make since at all? I have read "Why does he do that?" I have it here right now from the library. I do believe he is very angry and controlling. I didn't see it when we were dating because he acted so passive then. We always did what I wanted to do. He never wanted to make any decisions, etc. It was always all on me. He even made a comment last year that our problem was that he's spoiled me and always let me do/have whatever I wanted.

Being alone definitely seems scary and intimidating. I've never been there, as you know and I hate the unknown. I hate change of any kind. I fight it tooth and nail. I'm one of those people that go into a restaurant knowing exactly what I want. I need no menu and I will not try something new. It frightens me.

Hmm... my relationship with my Dad... good question. I was very, very close to my Dad. He was a perfect Dad in my eyes. He upset me occasionally of course, but for the most part he was great. My parents divorced when I was 3 or 4. I have no memories of them together as a couple. My Mom remarried when I was 8 and I hated him. My step-Dad was a jerk. He didn't work steady jobs, my Mom had to work full-time to keep insurance on the family and pay bills. He treated her ok when they were living together. He did some of the house work and made me and my brother help, but he seemed to treat her ok. I still hated him because he was mean and a loser. He always treated me and my brother terribly, was emotionally and verbally abusive. Told me I was fat, I could only drink diet drinks or water. I was allowed nothing else. That went on the whole time I lived there. He would tell me that I better be nice because he rescued us from poverty and put a roof over our heads, I should be thankful. I hated that man and couldn't wait to get out. My Mom wouldn't do a thing except tell me to ignore him because that was what she did. At 17 when I got married my curfew was still 10PM, bedtime was midnight.

I thought I chose someone completely different from my step-Dad. My husband seemed nothing like that when we were dating. He treated me well. He was gentle and laid back, but I don't know where that man has gone.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:36am

Thanks for the advice, Jennie :) I will do this. I hope it will help a little at least. I could use any help I can get, lol.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 4:12am

"He was gentle and laid back, but I don't know where that man has gone. "Sweetie, he was a teenager, a kid! He wasn't yet a man, hadn't grown into what he was to become. Besides that, you were a young, naive kid who was used to seeing negativity and probably would have overlooked some behaviors that others would see as intolerable because you were so used to it you didn't realize it wasn't normal. I'm betting if you could replay your times together before marriage you'd recognize things that would serve to warn you.


Ok, so now I know how your step dad treated you and I know you thought the world of your dad, but I still don't know how your relationship with your dad was or how he treated you. How often did you see him? Was he loving, caring, busy, critical, encouraging....? What was your relationship with him like? Were you happy and satisfied with it? Did it give you everything you needed? That's the kind of thing I was curious about.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 8:42am

Hi CL :)

I believe I had a good relationship with my Dad. I saw him 3 weekends/month. I was with my Mom 1 weekend/month. Well, I say 3 weekends, he had me and my brother from 6PM Saturday-5PM Sunday. He was loving and spent all of his time with us when we were with him. He was very encouraging. He died unexpectedly when I was 13. I was very happy with my relationship with my Dad. We were very close and I could tell him anything. I don't know if it gave me everything I needed. I saw him so little.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 5:12pm

I wanted to add a little more that's happened recently. DH told me today that he has lost all respect for me. He told me that I treat him like crap and nothing he ever does for me is good enough so he has given up and will not try anymore. But yet he still doesn't know if he wants out. We both admitted to being miserable. He said that he feels like once we are caught up on everything that I'm going to kick him out, again. And he said that if I do that that he will file chapter 7 and fight me for the house. When I told him that I could not believe he would do that he looked at me and said do you really think I would do that? I told him that I didn't know but if he will say it then I think he will. He just shook his head and said he would not do that to the kids. He said he just said it to say it. I'm at such a loss right now. I have no idea what to do. One of my rent houses is all of a sudden bucking at paying rent and causing me tremendous grief. Right here at the holidays, too.

Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 12:38am

Jessica, it looks like you've recognized that you haven't gotten so far from the example of your mother's marriage or the treatment your stepfather taught you to believe you deserve and accept. Ironic, isn't it? You couldn't wait to get out of the house and away from him and in doing that chose a man who would treat you the same. In essence, you stepped out of one hell straight into another version of that same hell. It serves to show how much how you were raised, what you experienced influences the rest of your life. And with that in mind, I suggest you take a hard look at your children and think of their future.


It sounds like your husband is continuing to hit you with the same stuff he always does. Negative, cutting, hurtful remarks, sprinkled with a little "poor me the abused one" (him and you kicking him out after the bills are caught up) followed by threats which are followed by indignation (which is an underhanded way of saying you're out of line and/or "stupid" to believe what he's said) that you'd think he might be serious. In effect, he's slapping you, while you apologize for him "having the need" to slap you, while he slaps you some more. You're his punching bag. His wanting out/not wanting out is likely another way of keeping you confused and walking on eggshells. If he actually left it would mean not having you to do all the work for him, he wouldn't have the money from your rentals, he wouldn't be able to buy all those things you afford him to buy and he wouldn't have anyone to kick around. He stands to lose a lot if he walks. What about you? What do you stand to lose? And what reasons do you have to want to stay?


I'm sorry about your renters, I know they can be a pain. But face it, they're not nearly the trouble your husband is day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Dealing with them should be a piece of cake compared to what you're used to dealing with on a daily basis.

You said you read "Why Does He Do That", what did you think? Did it ring true for your situation? Did it confirm that your husband is abusive? How's your counseling going? Have you seen an abuse counselor? That's where you really need to be you know...the others will make you more confused, make your situation more difficult. I'd suggest calling a local shelter for a referral to a domestic abuse counselor, meet with him or her at least once or twice and see what you think. You owe it to yourself and your kids.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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