Another women giving my husband a bday gift

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Registered: 03-06-2011
Another women giving my husband a bday gift
14
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 4:48am

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone else would find this inappropriate , My husbands bday was a couple weeks ago and he brings home from work a big bottle of wine,two discount restuarant cards and a personal bday card addressed to him from his female co worker. So dh is like oh look what B----- got for me for my bday. Well I was really surprized since they worked together for couple of yrs and she never gave him a bday gift let alone a bday card before. I said why all of the sudden is she making a big fuss over your bday? dh says oh i dont know ,to be nice ,I guess. I said to dh ,dont you find this alittle too personnal,weird ? especially never making a fuss over him before. I started to slowly get pissed off,especially because dh was kinda had an attitude twords me like,(rubbing  this in my face alittle) I will be very honest I felt like dh and this women were kinda trying to tell me something,,like they had something going on with each other. Its hard to explain,I just felt like well now what do I do with this "in your face " kinda brassing move on both their parts. I know it just sounds really crazy,jealous ,paranoid on my part,but it left me with a real weird feeling,If I am absolutly over reacting with this gift thing I am courious to know. I feel like this women crossed the line ,and she knows dh is a married man. In the bday card she gave him, she says how great guy he is and thanks for being a good co worker ,and thanks for just being you,real mussy kinda stuff ,and hopes he enjoys the gift cards to go out to eat..... she never mentions ,oh you and your wife have a nice dinner on her ,like something like that would of been ok ,but I guess I was really feeling jealous or I am just really over reacting about this whole thing.Am I wrong to feel this way?? this weekend he has plans to visit his adult son,who lives outta town,and he is gonna stay over night,it just is making me sick and wondering??? I asked dh if there was anything going on,and tried to explain how I felt ,uncomfortable about this women doing that,he got real defensive and yelling. oh and signs the card ,Lv always,---- Is this inappropriate or is it just me acting like a jealous wife??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 7:23pm
Wow, very well said Safire1023. You actually gave really good advice. Can you read my crazy article and tell me your thoughts? Its the Facebook jealousy one. Thanks.
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Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 03-30-2013 - 11:52pm

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Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 03-30-2013 - 11:47pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 1:44am

Coming into this late....to me the biggest red flag was the enormity of the gift...a bottle of wine would have been fine, a gift card would have been fine but both? She spent some $$$ and you don't spend $$ unless you really like somebody (more than friend) or really owe them something (work wise, like the others suggested).  

I don't think it's surprising that your husband would blindly bring them in and not get that the card or gift was over the top, guys often don't see the signals.  It's not surprising that he'd blow when you suggested this woman had ulterior motives either, even if he only sees her as a friendly coworker, your suggestion would have him defending her; seeing her as the innocent victim and you in the negative light.  Dealing with women who take a shine to your guy is tricky.  Leave too much slack and you give them room to move in, get too defensive and you make yourself the enemy and only make her look better.

That said, the fact that he's paying more attention to what he wears, etc., suggests he's at least aware of her affection and is pumped by it, even if he's not returning her affection.  The fact that it's going on gives reason for concern.  I'd start doing what Khatru suggested -- only instead of calling the card mushy (which will make him defensive) repeat what the card said.  Of course this needs to be said in an even tone that doesn't come of as jeaousy or blaming.  You need to present it in a manner that will make him actually think about how he'd feel if this happened to you, not defend this co-worker.  

Are you able to drop by his work ever?  Go out to lunch with him?  If that's something you can do I would, but again, be very kind and normal around this co-worker.  I'd make it a point to tell her what a nice gift she gave and how nice the card was, as well as how much you two enjoyed the wine and the dinner (or something that fits).  That will tell her he didn't hide it from you (which implies he doesn't return feelings) and you're not threatened by her.  The last thing you want to do is present a threatened front. Showing her you're angry, suspicious or territorial will tell her she's got a chance and that's the last thing you want to tell her. 


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 5:43am

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Registered: 03-06-2011
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 5:14am

So sorry ,just noticed that I repeated myself alot in my post above,it is late and didnt realize it lol

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 2:08pm

Many people here feel the gut feelings one gets are very importand and very telling . Your gut is telling you something is off. He is getting angry and defensive with you when you want to talk about it. That many times means you have hit a nerve  Thats two flags. You might ask him how he would feel if a male coworker of yours gave you all of those items inclduing the mushy card and you brought it all home to shove in his face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 9:30am

Hi there, Sorry you're going through this. I would think that if it was an actual affair, he would've hidden these things, unless he's already ready to break it off with you and start a new life with her. It sounds more like an emotional affair, whereas she has a crush on him and he likes the ego boost and doesn't set boundaries. This is a critical time for your marriage. A person is susceptible to an emotional affair when the emotional connection has been lost in the marriage. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. Sit down with him in a mellow way, take his hand, and tell him you want to improve your relationship. Tell him you're setting up a date day/night for this week, and then he'll be responsible for next week. Do things you normally don't do that are fun. Bowling, go-carts, miniature golf, picnic on the living room floor, couples store shopping to spice things up, hiking in a park, cooking together. Then, make a daily effort to do something nice for him and hopefully he'll respond in kind. Give him a foot rub. Ask him for a back rub. Write a lipstick note on the bathroom mirror. Call him at work and tell him about new lingerie you bought, and describe it. Give long, luxurious kiss goodbyes or hellos instead of a peck. Give him a strong, meaningful hug. Write him a letter, explaining all the ways you appreciate him.

I know you're angry right now, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to shake things up and get connected with him again. If he is invested in the relationship, he should respond positively to the effort. If he doesn't, maybe it's time to go to counseling together, and if he refuses, you go alone to let him know the seriousness of the state of your marriage.

When you've gotten close again, bring up boundaries for dealing with other women. Show him articles on emotional affairs.  Explain that when you single out another of the opposite sex, like someone at work who you look forward to seeing everyday, and treat them differently than all of the other co-workers, stopping at each others desks to chat and talking about personal problems and going to lunch together, then it's an emotional affair and disastrous for a marriage. When speaking with him, always use the word "i" instead of "you", which comes out sounding accusatory. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 3:39am

I really appreciate to all ,for taking the time to give me some advice,to answer some questions ,I have noticed that my husband spends more time  fussing over his work clothes,ironing them,hes alittle more dapper than usual thats another red flag sorda. The thing that really scares me is the fact that I was totally blind sided by this whole thing. And usually when something like this comes right up in your face its probably gonna be bad,thats what my gut is telling me. But I tried to talk with him lastnight about how I feel that its not laying right with me,and all he did was yell and say that I dreamed this all up,bull , he brought this into my house and dumped it on my table,and I wanted to know what do you want me to do about this now,lets talk! His attitude was very cold and angry,and said I do not hide anything from you ,He cant be that stupid to even show me the card,thats the last thing I would of brought in the house in front of my wife,just outta respect  . And I have to keep an eye on the situation I guess,this is a real pain in the a---. His personality has always been spiteful if you piss him off some how,or he will say something that you just know he was insulting you but in a indirect kinda way. So thats why I feel like he brought this home to jam in my face so I would get the hint ,But I hope Im wrong.    So tonight while h was at work I sat and drank the wine myself,lol 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 4:24pm

I think there is something more to this then just a coworker giving your husband a birthday gift and card. Not saying anything is going on necessarily, but at the very least the coworker has some feelings for your H beyond coworker feelings. It's a pretty hefty gift too, big bottle of wine, two gift cards, and the mushy card. I do think at the least that you should keep an eye on the situation.

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