Another women giving my husband a bday gift

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Another women giving my husband a bday gift
14
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 4:48am

Hi, I was just wondering if anyone else would find this inappropriate , My husbands bday was a couple weeks ago and he brings home from work a big bottle of wine,two discount restuarant cards and a personal bday card addressed to him from his female co worker. So dh is like oh look what B----- got for me for my bday. Well I was really surprized since they worked together for couple of yrs and she never gave him a bday gift let alone a bday card before. I said why all of the sudden is she making a big fuss over your bday? dh says oh i dont know ,to be nice ,I guess. I said to dh ,dont you find this alittle too personnal,weird ? especially never making a fuss over him before. I started to slowly get pissed off,especially because dh was kinda had an attitude twords me like,(rubbing  this in my face alittle) I will be very honest I felt like dh and this women were kinda trying to tell me something,,like they had something going on with each other. Its hard to explain,I just felt like well now what do I do with this "in your face " kinda brassing move on both their parts. I know it just sounds really crazy,jealous ,paranoid on my part,but it left me with a real weird feeling,If I am absolutly over reacting with this gift thing I am courious to know. I feel like this women crossed the line ,and she knows dh is a married man. In the bday card she gave him, she says how great guy he is and thanks for being a good co worker ,and thanks for just being you,real mussy kinda stuff ,and hopes he enjoys the gift cards to go out to eat..... she never mentions ,oh you and your wife have a nice dinner on her ,like something like that would of been ok ,but I guess I was really feeling jealous or I am just really over reacting about this whole thing.Am I wrong to feel this way?? this weekend he has plans to visit his adult son,who lives outta town,and he is gonna stay over night,it just is making me sick and wondering??? I asked dh if there was anything going on,and tried to explain how I felt ,uncomfortable about this women doing that,he got real defensive and yelling. oh and signs the card ,Lv always,---- Is this inappropriate or is it just me acting like a jealous wife??

Pages

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 03-28-2013 - 1:44am

Coming into this late....to me the biggest red flag was the enormity of the gift...a bottle of wine would have been fine, a gift card would have been fine but both? She spent some $$$ and you don't spend $$ unless you really like somebody (more than friend) or really owe them something (work wise, like the others suggested).  

I don't think it's surprising that your husband would blindly bring them in and not get that the card or gift was over the top, guys often don't see the signals.  It's not surprising that he'd blow when you suggested this woman had ulterior motives either, even if he only sees her as a friendly coworker, your suggestion would have him defending her; seeing her as the innocent victim and you in the negative light.  Dealing with women who take a shine to your guy is tricky.  Leave too much slack and you give them room to move in, get too defensive and you make yourself the enemy and only make her look better.

That said, the fact that he's paying more attention to what he wears, etc., suggests he's at least aware of her affection and is pumped by it, even if he's not returning her affection.  The fact that it's going on gives reason for concern.  I'd start doing what Khatru suggested -- only instead of calling the card mushy (which will make him defensive) repeat what the card said.  Of course this needs to be said in an even tone that doesn't come of as jeaousy or blaming.  You need to present it in a manner that will make him actually think about how he'd feel if this happened to you, not defend this co-worker.  

Are you able to drop by his work ever?  Go out to lunch with him?  If that's something you can do I would, but again, be very kind and normal around this co-worker.  I'd make it a point to tell her what a nice gift she gave and how nice the card was, as well as how much you two enjoyed the wine and the dinner (or something that fits).  That will tell her he didn't hide it from you (which implies he doesn't return feelings) and you're not threatened by her.  The last thing you want to do is present a threatened front. Showing her you're angry, suspicious or territorial will tell her she's got a chance and that's the last thing you want to tell her. 


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 03-30-2013 - 11:47pm

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2011
Sat, 03-30-2013 - 11:52pm

i

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Tue, 05-07-2013 - 7:23pm
Wow, very well said Safire1023. You actually gave really good advice. Can you read my crazy article and tell me your thoughts? Its the Facebook jealousy one. Thanks.

Pages