Any advice/comments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Any advice/comments?
5
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 12:28am

Hi... I am just wondering if you could give me a little advice on how to go about my relationship with my bf when I am thinking that it is over?

I have been in a relationship for over a year now and I am beginning to question everything about it lately. I haven't had that many relationships in my life, a prior marriage (right from highschool that lasted 12 yrs) and a long term relationship (right after the marriage ended and that lasted 5 yrs) before this one, so this is the first time that I have been on my own and just letting things go naturally.

At first, the relationship was great, the sex and feelings we had for each other were great. I looked forward to seeing him and being with him. But things have changed. I no longer feel the way I did. I don't feel the desire or longing to be with him like I did. We sort of have opposite roles, I am the one that doesn't communicate my feelings as much and he goes overboard. He wants me to be able to be open with him and express things. I do to a point, but not completely. I am not the one to bring up any issues or items to discuss, and he is the one to find an issue that we need to talk about even though I don't think of it as an issue. If he mentions something like what are you thinking, I normally end up saying nothing. He is thinking that I should be thinking about stuff like where is our relationship going or questioning him and his feelings. I haven't actually questioned anything about our relationship up until now and no matter what I say, he doesn't see how I can not question things. I lead a very busy life with 4 children at home all the time (I homeschool them all). So I don't spend much time dwelling on things until I start to feel bad about myself. I don't have the time or energy to question everything by the time my day is over. We both have gone into the relationship with "letting nature take its course", but then he expects me to have issues with it.

Another problem is that I have been questioning things this past month only because he keeps bringing it up. Now I have been trying to figure out what I exactly want in a relationship and partner. I do believe my expectations are high (I have read too many romance novels and so I keep thinking I want the true love they represent even if it doesn't exist). I have been thinking that I really don't want to lose what I have built since I have been on my own with my children. This is the first time I have been single and just worrying about myself and my children.

The problem with the change in the relationship has caused me to just feel comfortable with him, almost to the point of being roommates and we aren't even living together. There seems to be no spark or excitement anymore when I hear his name or he enters the room like there use to be or even when we look at each other. My desire for him has diminished. I don't feel like I am desired by him either, even though he tells me and does little things like grabbing my butt or somewhere else. I know I am somewhat attractive because I have been hit on by other guys. But I don't feel that way by him anymore.

I have not said anything about the way I have been feeling lately. I will be telling him but just want to be sure of what I am feeling before I do. Especially since I am not quite sure.

So how would you proceed with a relationship like this? What are your thoughts?

Thanks,
Rhonda

~ Rhonda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 4:59am

Welcome to the board, Rhonda ~


There are quite a few possibilities here, you'll be the best judge of which is the case, or perhaps which combination is the case. I will say that it would be helpful to know what kinds of things he feels are problems that he's surprised you hadn't thought of as issues; that would help get a feel for your situation, I hope you repost with a few examples.


The one-year mark is a pretty common place for relationships to fizzle out, because it's also the time that both parties become comfortable with the relationship and begin to relax, show more of their real selves and less of their "company manners" if you know what I mean. It's the time where, because the relationship feels more secure, problems and issues that might have been bothering one of you for a while might be brought up. So, it could be that because one or both of you are showing more of your real selves (it seems to be much more typical of men to show a drastic difference than women) you're just now realizing some bigger differences than you'd seen before.


It's also important to know that the tingly feelings and rushes that come with new relationships just don't last. They're a natural chemical reaction to new relationships and they fade out and go away -- darn it. So it might be that your expectations are too high in this regard, though since you've been through long term relationships before I'm sure you know those feelings don't last so maybe what you're talking about here isn't those typical new-relationship feelings?


Another thing to consider has to do with your history. Especially if this guy was your first boyfriend after your five-year relationship it's possible that your attraction to him was out of thirst for something that was very lacking in your previous relationship. I never explain this very well, but I'll try. If your 5-year relationship left you very hungry for something specific you may have been attracted to your current boyfriend because he had a huge amount of the item you hungered for. For instance, my ex-husband would not /could not carry on a debate. I was sooo hungry for someone who I could have a a friendly disagreement with. The guy I started dating after my divorce was full of debate. I ate it up at first, but eventually it got to me. He didn't debate, he argued and disagreed with everything, there was no such thing as a small or minor issue, they were all major productions and all necessitated hours of discussion. Along with that wearing on me, I began to become disillusioned in other areas of our relationship as well. What was explained to me by a therapist friend of mine is that when we're hungry for specific traits, we tend to be attracted to people who have more than a healthy amount of this trait. We soak it in and love it, until we've satisfied our need, at which point we want and need a partner who has a healthy balance of this trait, but of course the person we're with still has that huge, unhealthy amount that we so wanted to begin with. So, if you were hungry for some quality that your boyfriend has more than a healthy balance of, it may be that your need in that area has been satisfied, and he's no longer right for you. Does that make sense?


I would suggest that you take a look at this article from our Information and Resources section to see if it offers you some help/insight on where you are with your relationship:
Steer Clear of Relationship Potholes

I also highly recommend the book, "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis It will help you do exactly what you want to do, figure out exactly what you want in a relationship and partner. The title is cheesy and the author looks entirely too pretty for the book to have any substance, but it is very, very good. You'll learn a lot about why you choose the relationships you do, what are and are not important qualities for the right partner for you to have, that your expectations and standards should be high, that they should be high and that you should not be willing to accept less than what you want.


Generally speaking, it sounds like you've got your hands very full with your own life. I'm not sure I read you correctly, when you said, "I have been thinking that I really don't want to lose what I have built since I have been on my own with my children." are you saying you're not sure you want to remain in a relationship or that you don't want to take your relationship to higher steps? I'm not quite sure what you mean about approaching the relationship by "letting nature take it's course", can you explain? I do think that any relationship is going to have issues, and they're going to have to be dealt with in order to maintain the relationship's health and stability. Let me also say "good for you" in focusing on yourself and your children, in maintaining your own life and residence rather than living with him. I think that's very important not only for your kids but for you, to regain a sense of self (after previous relationship and marriage), a sense of independence, self worth and capabilities. You're a wise woman.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 1:47pm

Thank you for the welcome and reply. Ok, first off I will give a little more info on us. He is 41 and I am 35. He was married once before and has 4 kids, the youngest being 16 who lives with the mom. I have 4 children still at home since they range from age 16 down to 5. His marriage ended because of his ex cheating. Mine ended because my ex seemed to never be involved with us and my 5 yr relationship ended because bf was too controlling. As I said we do not live with each other, but we do see each other often. Almost daily. He does stay the night with me about 2-3 times a week. We both had been hurt and also didn't want to have the same problems happen all over again. We both went into the relationship just looking for fun, sex, and friendship. About 6 months ago, we realized that our feelings had grown into more for each other. We didn't want to rush things and decided we would take things slow and see what could come of us. That is what I meant when I said we were letting nature take its course.

As for some examples about issues: He seems to be constantly questioning us, where the relationship is going, would we make it together, and stuff like that. He is also worried about our sex life, since he has some issues with this too. He is worried that he is not satisfying me especially since he has been having problems with staying hard. I have tried letting him know that it is not an issue for me at all, and I am satisfied with what we have. He doesn't think this is so because of 2 reasons. 1 - I don't show him that I want him all the time. I just am not that kind of person. My life is filled with everyday stuff that I just can't focus on one thing with a house full of kids. 2 - He knows that I don't orgasm and that has become a worry for him. He tries to see if he can make me and then when I don't and he ends up having his trouble, he gets upset at himself. He thinks I should be frustrated and upset over it. I don't get upset because if I never had one, why would I miss it. He just doesn't understand that. He also thinks that I should be expressing myself to him more. He wants to know what I am thinking everytime he looks at me. I just can't seem to tell him every single thing, because sometimes what I am thinking is what I need to make sure I get done for the day and the normal things a mom thinks about like, what is for lunch and dinner. But this is a major thing for him since he had his heart attack 5 yrs ago, he said he reevaluated his life and wants his relationships to be different than what he had with his ex. He wants to have more communication with his partner and take everything into consideration to make his relationships work. I love this part of him. But there are times when knowing something like what I am thinking about the daily tasks that I am listing in my head are not part of our relationship and don't need to be expressed. Plus, I have always had to worry about being closed down in past relationships. It is not easy for me to express myself and my wants. I know that I still have little barriers up. This is something that fades in time. I also know that I can not let little things bother me. We each are individuals with set likes and dislikes and a relationship takes compromise and sometimes overlooking small irritations to work. He is also having issues with he is not financially set in life. He began having some heart trouble which caused him to lose his job. I have explained to him that money is not an issue with me as I have been on my own for a bit now and am taking care of myself anyways.

I do know that we are in the portion of our relationship where we are getting more comfortable with each other and that is normal.

I know that we are going to have to sit down and talk about all of this. It will be easier to make sense of everything and put each other's mind at ease. But I am also afraid that I have discovered that even though I do love him, that I don't love him the way he should be loved. I am afraid that I am not the one for him and he is not the one for me.

Any other questions or things you need more info on?

Rhonda

~ Rhonda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 2:20am

Rhonda, It sounds like you two are pretty different. I could be wrong, but it sounds like he's insecure and needy; he's not willing to accept that you are satisfied with sex and his constantly asking you what you're thinking about is another indicator that he's insecure and needy. If he has to constantly ask you what you're thinking it says he's concerned that you're not happy, that the relationship is not solid. You've said that you have some barriers that are still in place from previous relationships and saying that indicates to me that you may be quite silent and perhaps unwilling to open up where it is healthy and appropriate to be open in a relationship. But, the fact that often when he asks what you're thinking, you're thinking about general, nondescript thoughts we all have all day long indicates that there isn't a reason for him to be concerned that there's a problem that you're not sharing. It would be different if you were in a conversation or problem solving at the time, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Honestly, it is important to be open and honest in a relationship, but you are not required to tell every detail of your life and every thought that goes through your head. A relationship with someone who constantly asks what you're thinking is intrusive, inappropriate and would be emotionally draining to deal with. I suspect that his heart problems caused him to rethink his life, how he wanted to live it, what kind of relationship he would require; he's probably quite a bit more intense and focused about what he wants than he was before that. That's understandable, but he may be taking it too far, it sounds like he's lacking a healthy balance. If he wants someone to match his needs and intenseness, he may need to find someone other than you to fulfill that because I don't hear that his "requirements" and needs are things you're in agreement with or interested in. Frankly, I don't blame you, it sounds over the top. It seems funny that a guy with those kinds of needs in a relationship would be okay with the "sex, friendship and no emotional attachment" relationship that you began with.


You said, "I have always had to worry about being closed down in past relationships. It is not easy for me to express myself and my wants. I know that I still have little barriers up. " Those aren't things that fade with time, certainly not if you've "always had to worry about being closed down in past relationships", and if, as you indicate, some of your issues are the result of past relationships, while they may go underground if current issues don't call them up, they're still there. I'd strongly recommend seeing a therapist to work through them and get them out of your life. Otherwise, they'll always be with you and they'll always affect your relationships. You've carried them long enough, you deserve to leave them behind and live your life without them.


You also said, "We each are individuals with set likes and dislikes and a relationship takes compromise and sometimes overlooking small irritations to work." and that's true, but these things can only be worked through if both of you are willing to do that. You may be willing to overlook an irritation in him but he may not be able to do the same for you. It wouldn't mean he's not being fair, it would just mean the irritation, no matter how small it seems to you, is not something he can let go. Oftentimes, when everything else is right (morals, values, etc.) irritations and habits still make the relationship not doable. A habit or trait that bothers you doesn't get easier to deal with, over time it drives you nuts. You also said, "He is also having issues with he is not financially set in life. He began having some heart trouble which caused him to lose his job. I have explained to him that money is not an issue with me as I have been on my own for a bit now and am taking care of myself anyways. " From this, it sounds like he is at a different place in his life, with different worries and concerns. I don't hear so much that he's worried about you, I hear that he's worried about his own finances. And if that includes you, I'd say he's not looking at what you can do for yourself, he's looking at his ability to provide for you; something that's very important for most men.


I'd really suggest you read the book I suggested in my first response, I think that will answer a lot for you. I'd also suggest you consider seeing a couples counselor with him to explore whether this relationship has what it takes to be happy and successful, and I really urge you to see a therapist on your own to deal with your barriers and closing down issues. Whether this relationship works out or not, they are issues you need to deal with and remove from your life. You might also browse through our Information and Resources section to see if there aren't some articles that strike you as being insightful to your situation.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:24am

Thanks for the reply. I think I might need to clarify a few things. First, when I said I still have barriers up, I have realized that I do keep myself a little spaced. I don't want to get hurt again. This in time will fade as I get to learn more about him. I am not the first one to express a concern. I will let things go for a bit until I feel I do need to bring something up. He tends to be the one to bring something up first. I am not quiet or unwilling to share with him. Also, when I said they fade with time is that if I couldn't express myself at all then I would not be talking to him at all which is not the case. We do communicate and have real deep problem solving communication. I also was saying that I have learned not to let everything bother me in a relationship, especially little irritations. Believe me, I know I have plenty that would bug someone too. His issues with money are definitely because his way of thinking. He is the man, therefore he should be the provider. But he is trying to deal with this issue. He is the type of man that would believe in paying for everything when it comes to even going out with a few friends. I remember once, I invited him along with me and my best friend and her husband when I wanted to go out to eat. He said he didn't want to go because he could not take me out at that time. I had asked why and he told me that it wasn't right for me to pay his way. But I have gotten him to realize that circumstances have caused him not to be able to take me out at that time and I was ok with it, and since I had plans and wanted to include him in them, it was up to him whether he went or not. of course, he went. I have explained to him that I admire his wanting to provide, but sometimes life doesn't allow us to do what we want. We have to learn to cope with somethings. He has changed from that moment. He doesn't get upset when I will pay for something when he doesn't have the cash at the time. It doesn't mean that he is happy with it. I know that his issues with his finances are a problem. He knows I can do for myself, but he also knows that things are difficult for me at the same time. I have 4 children and their father is not reliable. I can not work a regular job. I am the only one my children can rely on. My one daughter is disbled and needs constant care for regular everyday needs. So I can not go off and work 40 hours a week or more. He would like to be able to help me when he can. Plus, if we were to marry, he would like to be able contribute to us financially.

Rhonda

~ Rhonda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:51pm

Sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of his issues surrounding his need to support you vs. your actual need for support. It also sounds like you are sharing and have good communication, which would further indicate that he's needy and insecure. And again I'll say, being with someone who's needy and insecure can be exhausting. They can have you spending all your time trying to convince them everything's fine when in fact, it's not your job to convince them of a thing.


"Fading barriers" aside, if you've been in this relationship a year and still have fear of being hurt, I'd say there are some issues that need to be addressed -- these past issues are effecting your current relationship -- you know, baggage. You also said that you "have always had to worry about being closed down in past relationships." That's another issue that is affecting your relationships. I'd really urge you to give therapy a try, I think the only thing you'll regret is not having done it a lot sooner.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"