Any way to save this relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Any way to save this relationship?
19
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 12:47pm

What would you do? how would you react? here is the scenario:

You have a 4 year old, no longer with his mother. (there are still "some" benefits if you know what I mean) Anyways you also have a GF who you are obviously stepping out on. Ex GF is obsessed that you belong with her and does all kinds of crazy things like, sugar in your gas tank, oil in your car windows among other things. Bottom line these benefits get you busted when she tells your GF and you and your family all at once that she is pregnant with your child, again.
To make the story short, you believe her. leave GF, try to work it out with EX for kids sake and doesn't work. All along you have a "good friend" whom you've developed feelings for and vice versa. At around the childs age of 10 mos or so you move out and see him every now and then when mom lets you. He is now 22 months. After all kinds of reasons to believe that your ex dooped you, you get paternity test. It is negative. He is not your son. You choose to forget about it, never found out but Call your Ex on the deceit. She in turn tells you that she somehow knew when she saw the baby that he wasnt yours that he looked like a guy she was seeing but she already had a kid with you, so she didn't say anything to not look like a slut. As well as calls up the real daddy, informs him that she has his son and demands visitation, babysitting, money etc. Oh by the way you were ordered to pay child support for kid when you split up. As well as your oldest son. As soon as this happens you take her to CS dept and pretty much make her tell the truth so order is closed on that child. Once you realize that child is seeing her real dad, you don't see him as much. Yes you still babysit for her every now and then.

FFWD to today, 6 yrs later. You never told anyone but your parents. They never called her on it, still babysit and call child grandchild. They take him to parties, family events etc. You don't. You see and pick up kid not wanting to know whether his dad is in the picture or not a few times a year. You don't care, and she won't be honest with you anyway. Child knows, your parents know, your GF knows, Your son knows. Your GF's family knows you only have one son. no one in yours knows the truth.

You finally get custody of your son. After years of him being tormented and humiliated by her family because they hate you, thinking you abandoned his mom. You never wanted to split up the brothers, you thought it was best. Your son is having serious problems with school, can barely read, write etc. He is starting Jr High. His mom now has 3 kids the youngest 2 yrs old and yet another father. She has been a terrible person throughout the years. Your GF hates her, she has caused so many fights, arguments, and tears for her. YOUR Gf loves your son. She is patient and really has helped him come through these last few months with school. You are seeing an improvement. You have plans to move into a bigger home, your son's mom is moving further away... Your GF has a daughter (same GF for 6 yrs) who has lived with you guys Full time and you have a son. You and her want a child of your own. She won't have one if she has to continue to lie to your family and her child about this other child being his/her brother. You tell her you want to eventually bring this child into your family and to live with you. and want to start to have a set visitaion every other weekend or so, and to include him in family events, vacations etc. Your GF tells you that she can accept you bringing him over on some weekends but that she has never developed any feelings for him over the years and don't think she will. You demand that she feels and treats this child the same as your son. You want her to include him in her family's gatherings/parties etc. Your son's mother doesnt pay a cent for Child support now that he is with you, can't even pay for a ticket to disneyland if she is going to take him, expects you to pay for him or he cant go. All these years you have been paying your share of child support as well as school clothes, gifts, sports activities etc, that she enrolls him in.

Financially you could probably bring this child to live with you if you really tried and made sacrifices as a family but it would also mean no child of your own with GF. YOU probably could not do it on your own. Unless you went back to living with your parents. You know that your GF has strong feelings about this, you also know that you do too.

I am sorry it went on for so long. What would you do? What do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:54am
More questions, if you can stand it (and thanks for answering Kim's questions, it really helped clear up a lot for me too).


  • You said the Bio Mom has caused so many fights, arguments, and tears. What has she done that cause these things?
  • Does Bio Mom want this child to live with your boyfriend?
  • Why are you back with a guy who cheated on you - and cheated on you with a woman who vandalized his property at that?






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-04-2003
    Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:59am

    Thanks,

    Bio mom, has taken it up on her to make our life miserable. She has gone from harassing me at my workplace, (she was a medical assistant at a clinic a co-worker attended and took her personal information to get my # Can we say UNETHICAL)Anyways. She has been caniving, & mean. Calling 1 million times a day. (bit of exaggeration) Showing up out of nowhere and leaving son on doorstep. Going as far as vandalizing my own car. She would call me and tell me how BF had just left her and they had been "physical". Any and all dumb tricks in the book. BF and I have been pretty united to not let her lies and venom affect us much, but there are always times when I can't help but hurt. Like when an 8 year old boy tells you at the dinner table with everyone sitting "my mom said that so an so is the B word." That she is...." I mean really? I could go on and on. But truth is the more I say the more sad I get.
    Does she want her son to live with us? I don't know. But knowing how she is, she would not refuse. She would very much welcome the idea. She is a bit of a slut as you can see, so the less kids she has to worry about the more she can go out and get another. There would be 0 resistance. In fact I wouldn't doubt that this sudden change of heart has something to do with her. Maybe she asked BF to do this, who knows. I wouldn't doubt it for a second.
    BF has not cheated on me. As the story goes the GF he cheated on was another. I did not come into the picture as his GF until later. I was his friend.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-15-2005
    Tue, 12-19-2006 - 9:04am

    Have you asked BF what brought all this on -- why he's wanting to take on this child out of the blue?

    Photobucket
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 12-20-2006 - 12:20am
    Thanks for your answers, Scndtymaround, I appreciate you answering them!


    Once again, Kim has asked a good question, about why your boyfriend wanted to raise this child and if this came out of the blue. I suspect that even if he just now mentioned it to you, it's likely something he's been thinking about for a while. I would expect that this is something the two of you have discussed at length, right? You at least know why he wants to do this, and perhaps have explored the feasibility (would bio mom still be in the picture? Would he ask for full legal parental rights , or would it be a verbal agreement only, what involvement or possibility of involvement would she have in your life, etc.) I think looking at this seriously for feasibility's sake is something that needs to happen, even if it's not something you want to do; by exploring it either of you may realize it will or won't work, that you do or don't want it, etc.; hashing it out more only helps clarify it.


    What I suspect is that your boyfriend feels a heavy guilt about having taken his natural son in and leaving this other boy in such a dismal situation, and I can understand him feeling that way, and feeling the need to do something about it. I think if that's how he feels you're not going to convince him that it's not the right thing to do because he already feels that it is. In that situation you won't be able to sway him with thoughts of having a baby with you because this kid is already in his face, a living, breathing being who is in need. He won't likely be able to turn away from that for something that doesn't exist, or the promise of "one of his own". If what I've said is accurate, I think the choice you have is "do I stay with him, add this second kid and either forget another child of our own, or see if down the road we can make that happen or do I leave because this is not what I want?" I think this is likely one of those situations where there is no compromise. Either you want to join him in taking in the child or you don't; he's doing it either way.


    Of course, there would still be details to be considered and explored, the legal aspect, the amount of contact you'll accept/allow from bio mom, etc. If the two of you haven't talked about that, I think you need to.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-04-2003
    Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:38pm

    I understand all of your points clearly. The thing is with BF, none of that matters. He doesn't have legal custody or any form of custody order in place for his son. Its basically verbal, he lives with us and visits his mom EOW, just as it was before that. He lived with his mom and saw us EOW. There would be nothing legal drawn up esp for this child. He hasn't done it for his own son, he will not for his brother. As for how much contact the bio mom will have, as much as she wants. BF has never been one to set limits on her, not for the past 6+ years that I have been with him. He will not turn off his phone, ever. Even though SS is living with us now, she can call whenever and how many times she pleases. Sometimes if BF doesnt answer she keeps calling second after second. She can also just drop him off earlier than scheduled "just because" and with no notice. And ofcourse if she doesnt feel like driving him back, guess who has to make the 100+ mile round trip? Exactly. And there would be 0 (ZERO) Child support either, BF wouldnt have it. HE would SHOW HER.. that he can raise kids without asking for$$ for every little thing like she did when she had SS.

    Anyway I firmly believe that the one cheated here is SS, he will be the one suffering through any outcome. When BF moves out (which he is) he plans on sending SS back to his mom until he is "settled" alone. If I try to work it out as BF wants it, He will have to share his dad with this child who is nothing to BF, and suffer indifferences because of the situation (which I saw just this past weekend, during XMAS present exchange etc) SS brother felt he should be receiving the gifts SS got, he pouted and made a big deal about what SS got that he didnt. BF ended up not giving SS all of his presents because it would just make things worse with his brother. SS is away with his mom until after New Years, His are the only presents left under the tree. I feel that SS will always be shortchanged because of this. Just like he gets pushed away by BF when he goes in for a hug. Why? because his brother has already worn BF out by clinging and smothering him. BF has had enough so when SS wants a hug, BF gently shoves him off. Its a torture to witness, Yes I may be petty, but BF has not been there 100% for his son, and now that he has the chance, he is ruining it. Not taking advantage of it.
    It is all equivalent to too much baggage which I am not willing to be a part of.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 12-29-2006 - 2:10pm
    I can't imagine watching one be shoved away for the other, I don't think you're petty at all. The situation sounds very strange and lop-sided; I can understand your boyfriend feeling the need to do for this boy, but I don't understand doing it at the expense of his own son. Obviously, you can't force your boyfriend to make the child arrangement legal, he'll do as he chooses, but doing it his way, especially with the woman he's dealing with, puts the children in jeopardy.


    I'm sorry it's not working out for you, I know this is very difficult for you.








    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 05-09-2003
    Fri, 12-29-2006 - 2:54pm

    I'm coming in late in this discussion, but I have read all the details. I would like to add my point of view. You see, we are BOTH living the same story (almost). Except, in YOUR story, I am the child's mother (minus all the drama and the part about not wanting my kids).

    My ex-husband and I married when I was pregnant and he told me from 6 mos of my pregancy that he wanted my daughter to be his. He signed her B-certificate and he IS her father. Things didn't work out with us, early on. We divorced when our 2nd child, our son, was 3. The kids are now 16 and 15. Well, I've never asked him to pay CS for daughter, but he does pay for our son (actually he did). In February of this year my son asked to live with his Father. He said he loved me, but he just wanted to know what it was like to have a Father living with you. I've never re-married.

    Well, to shorten the story, I am now having HORRIBLE problems with my daughter. (Which is probably another reason my son asked to move) She's 16, disrepectful, defiant and failing school. After trying everything in the book and dealing with this behavoir for about 2 years, I finally broke down and asked my ex if she could live with him. He's a police officier and ex-military, very strict, but loving and she has never given him any probelms. I hated to ask because I knew the answer, but it was my only hope. I now have a BF that she is respectful to and likes, but she is still angry and mean to me.

    Well, guess what...he is remarried (for about 6 yrs now) and his wife said No. She knows that my daughter is not his bio child and she has never accepted her as his own. Only my son. It makes me so sad because I'm afraid for my daughter's future and as much as I hate to admit it, I think that at this point in her life, he could be a better Parent for her.

    So, all I can say is...think of the child.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:18pm
    Mcambpell, I'm sorry you're struggling with your daughter; mine just turned 15, is a good kid and she has me pulling my hair out 30 times a day, I can't imagine if she were difficult beyond what she is.


    I recently purchased a book that might interest you, "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! " by Michael J. Bradley, Ed.D that I haven't gotten too far into yet, but at this stage it seems very good, it's written by a therapist who has teenagers. It's easy to read, and presented in a light, upbeat manner. The book won awards from both Parent's Choice and The National Parenting Center.


    I also wanted to be sure you knew about two iVillage boards that might be helpful to you:


    Troubled Teens

    Parents of Teens

    Remember when we thought the "Terrible Twos" were difficult?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown



    Edited 12/29/2006 9:20 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 06-04-2003
    Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:53am

    I understand you and my sincerest best wishes for you. All in all. the story is similar but not the same. I do think of the child, in reality I think mostly of his child. In your story, ExH chose his role early on. BF was cheated into believing this was his. This other boy has his father, whom the mother deliberately refuses to allow in childs life because he is not as "controllable" as BF. Father wants a relationship, heck I wouldnt doubt it if he does have one. She is not one to be honest, as you can tell.

    Anyways...If i knew that there was years and years of history and bonding etc and BF was the only father in this story and without knowing the track record of this woman, not to mention that this woman wasn't how she is, My point of view would be different. Also if BF had made this decision years ago. Why now? why after so much crap has been spilled? Why when we were ready to move on with our relationship.

    We have been living together for over 5 years, together for over 6, and known each other for over 7. Now that we are going to separate, ask me if he would allow me or ask me about me continuing to have a relationship with his son, whom I love as a son. Or the same for my 14 yo daughter whom has lived with us for all these years full time as I am CP. No. He has spend more time and energy on my Daughter in a single month and vice versa than all the days with this child. How can he sever that bond between his son,my daughter, and me? AM I just assuming its the same thing? I am hurting, not only for him but for my daughter and stepson as well.

    Needless to say, thank you for your response.




    Edited 1/3/2007 2:09 am ET by scndtymaround

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