Anyone have a clue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Anyone have a clue?
83
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:51pm

Because I don't. My hubby and I had another fight. My hubby was playing with my dog (I bought my dog a new ball at pets mart) After my hubby gets done playing with my dog, he goes into the computer room and starts playing on-line poker. While both of us are in the computer room, my dog all the sudden starts peeing on the carpet right behind my hubby's chair. My dog is pretty much house-trained. He has only had 2 accidents in the last year. After my dog peed, my hubby just kind of laughs and says "And you want to buy a house"? He continues on to say that he doesn't feel a dog should go pee at all on the carpet. So, yea, I got a little bent stating that "ok, so now that I have a dog, we can never own a house". And my hubby replies "maybe". I was thinking just because my dog pees on the carpet TWICE in the last year that this will stop us from buying a house. So, I was pissed...however, I didn't want it to escalate like the arguement we had several weeks ago. A few minutes later, I give my hubby a kiss and thinking things are ok. But the way my hubby gives me a kiss, I felt like his on-line poker was a bit more important than me. He was playing 2 hands. So, the conversation went like this:

Me: Sorry to bother you by giving you a kiss
Hubby: That's alright you weren't
Me: Yes, I was. That wasn't really a kiss
Hubby: The kiss wasn't any different that any other kiss
******For the past month, there have been no kissing other than a peck on the lips when he comes home

Me: I don't know if I even turn you on anymore
Hubby: What do you mean?
Me: We aren't affectionate. I thought things were ok, but something has been wrong for the last month and I can't put my finger on it. I've noticed you haven't really been affectionate for the past month(***See, I've been saying in my posts/thread for a while that something is wrong...I thought maybe it was taking him longer to come around since our last arguements a month ago...but I got the feeling maybe it isn't)
Hubby: Yea, your right I haven't really been affectionate
Me: Why is that?
Hubby: It just something I have to deal with
Me: **Confused
Hubby: I don't want to talk about it because we would end up in a fight. If I tell you, then I'll be the bad guy and if I don't tell you then I'm still the bad guy.
Me: ***Very confused and starting to get pissed
Me: Therefore, you don't want to talk about it
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: So are you saying you will never be affectionate in our marriage
Hubby: It has nothing to do with being affectionate
Me: ***Very confused and getting more pissed
Me: So, I'm supposed to guess at what you won't tell me
Hubby: Just let it go
Me: I feel communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Don't you feel things need to be talked out
Hubby: On some matters I do. I'm just not going to talk about this and I know you want to know what it is but I'm not going to tell you
Me: Don't you know this affects our marriage
Hubby: Yes, I do. Since I have to deal with this and I'm part of this marriage, yes, I know this affects our marriage
Me: Well, you are being unfair to me
Hubby: Its me that has to deal with this
Me: Are you saying that you will never be affectionate with me (***Thinking that its been me that's initiating MOST of the affection in the last couple of weeks.)
Hubby: But your not affectionate. So, are you blaming me because I'm not affectionate
Me: ***Thinking this is the same type of conversation we had several months ago with him thinking that I don't initiate affection. But I'm getting pissed because he hasn't even noticed that I have been affectionate...giving him a kiss when he gets home, taking his hand when we walk to the car, or putting my hand on his shoulder when he's on the pc or even giving him a kiss while he's on the pc. Man, what a freaking waste of my time thinking he hasn't noticed any of my affection
Me: You haven't answered my question
Hubby: Which question is that?
Me: Do I still turn you on?
Hubby: Yes, sometimes
Me: Well, that's reassuring. Why are you getting upset with me. I'm just trying to figure out something that you won't tell me. I feel communication is very important.
Hubby: We don't affectionately communicate.
Me: ***Very confused on what he meant by "affectionately communicate"....or he might have said "communicate affectionately"...
***By this time we are both pissed. By the way, while we are having this conversation my hubby has not looked once at me because he was playing poker on his pc.
Me: I just need affirmation.
Hubby: I know what you mean
Me: You don't think me sending you that ecard was affirmation
Hubby: It was great. (Sounding a bit sarcastic)
Me: Well, I thought you would appreciate it
Hubby: I did. I said it was great
Me: I just need to feel loved by you and I don't. (***I leave the room) After a few minutes, I give him a kiss and say "whatever you won't tell me, I need to respect it". And then I leave the room. I must admit, as I'm in bed, I'm really starting to stew.

After having this conversation I am MORE confused. I thought things were starting to be good, but I guess I'm just too naive. I told you guys in another post that last week while we were golfing, he just came up and hugged me and kissed me on the golf course. It really melted me. And yesterday, I sent him an ecard while he was at work and he called me to thank me.

Can anyone figure out what my hubby meants by when he said "we don't affectionately communicate"? I'm totally lost.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 2:52pm

Casey;

You two are both baiting each other into the fight. He is playing some sort of semantics chess with you playing on your emotional hot buttons (telling you there is an issue but he won't tell you what it is....very very condescending, arrogant, and even manipulative), and you are desperately trying to get him to pay attention to you and give you affirmation (to act loving toward you)...baiting him when he tries to ignore you, taking negative attention over none (when a guy is playing poker asking him if you turn him on is childish and a transparemt attempt to get him to pay attention to you even if it has to be a fight).

You two are like oil and water....hundereds of posts in the last couple of weeks to prove it. You have issues, and are trying really hard, but in the end if he is gonna maintain this comtemptuos attitude there is nothing you can do....it is not gonna work.

You have all the markers of divorce....contempt, anger, fighting about irrelevant stuff....you think things are better....I don't hear anything in this post that is any better than the first one I posted to weeks ago.

I really think the two of you need some time apart to reflect on yourselves and the relaitonship.

I can imagine how difficult this is for you, I am truly sorry, P.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 2:56pm

Casey,

Honestly, I couldn't even read all of your post because it upsets me a little. Mainly because I think I'm beginning to understand your H really well.

My H does certain things that bother me, behavior wise. Ie, the way he argues, including a certain "tone" he can affect. It triggers me. When that happens I used to go all nutty but now I just shut down, withdrawl, and detach. Every time it happens I go through it all quicker, except for the reattaching part. That takes longer and longer and I hold more of myself in reserve each time. I am very sensitive to certain things now too. And when they start, I can bypass all the inbetween stuff and go right to detaching and feeling like nothing is getting better, it's never going to improve, etc and so forth.

I am beginning to think this is your H. He's so shellshocked from these crap arguments (and this was another one) that he reacts strongly to each one. He just can't handle them anymore. And it really does look like you are picking totally and completely unnecessary fights with him. When something happens you don't like, you need to learn to be quiet, leave, do something different and fun, and don't come back to him til your mood improves.

Just STOP this madness. It isn't getting you anywhere and it's just pushing your marriage closer to divorce. I really don't see where he said or did ANYTHING in what you wrote that warranted your responses to him. You are too insecure and maybe you should focus on that instead of figuring out what is wrong in your marriage.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 3:01pm

P.,

I took it totally different than that. I took it as him validating her that yes, there was an issue, that he was working on it, and that he wasn't ready to talk about it. Which I think are mature ways of handling things. At least she knows there is something going on instead of guessing. The better way, IMO, of handling it would have been to ask if he would talk to her about it later, when he'd worked through it some more. But instead she jumped him and started pulling in the kitchen sink. She wants things from him but isn't willing to ask. What would have been so hard about saying, "H, I'd love to spend some time with you right now. Would you mind playing a game, or XYZ?" or "Hey, after you play poker for awhile would you like to go for a walk?" Instead of "I don't turn you on...."

Jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 3:25pm

I'm somewhere in the middle. I think it was completely unnecessary of the OP to make that crack about the kiss which started the fight, but her husband is being BEYOND childish IMO to not just TELL her what the friggin' issue is! If you can't TALK to your spouse about stuff like that, what is the point of being married? And I don't really believe he's "working on" anything, he's just putting her off.

These two need couples counseling URGENTLY, IMO.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 4:10pm

Sheri,

I can see where it could very well be putting her off. In that case, fine, he can have an issue and she can go about her day. She needs to stop obsessing about EVERYTHING and just let some things go. If he's saying it to bait her or be childish or whatever and she just left it alone, it would stop.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 4:15pm

Casey,

I agree with the poster who said you two need time apart. He's baiting you for an argument acting like there is an issue he won't talk about, and you just can't leave well enough alone. If my dog pee'd on the carpet then my DH might also make in his most sarcastic tone the same crack "and you want to buy a house". He would be joking, but with a hint of seriousness.

This is how the conversation would have gone if it were me and my DH:

DH: "And you want to buy a house"?
ME: "yep, sure do" as I went to get something to clean up the dogs pee.

END OF CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DH: just continues playing poker
ME: Clean up the dogs mess and then go back to whatever I was doing, never once getting concerned that my DH actually might not want to buy a house because of the dog.

Yep, your DH is wrong in acting as if there's an unresolved issue he won't talk about, and why, oh why can't you just let things go. I feel you are really insecure and take every single thing personally. Everything is not about you or against you. Learn to let things go, and not feel like everything is an attack towards you and you will be much happier.

Are you still looking for a job? Do you have hobbies that keep you occupied daily? (outside of the home)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 4:31pm

Casey,

Also, sorry if I sounded harsh, just re-read my post and wasn't trying to. I just get this sense that the poster who said you are trying to get his attention is correct. I dont' know what you do in the day but it seems if you had a full, active life on your own, seperate from your DH that maybe you wouldn't need his attention so much.

I talk to people all day at work, every day. I am also great friends with my co-workers. When I go home I'm tired, and DH is tired and we don't always feel like being affectionate or even talking at that time. I unwind doing my thing (running) and he unwinds doing his thing. (usually farm chores) Your DH's thing seems to be his online poker. What is your thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 5:28pm

Well, you got a lot of different advice and views from people here. IMO there is some good advice and some bad advice.

Obviously both of you contribute to the problems. So advice that you both need to work on how you communicate would be helpful to you.

I can't say I agree with anyone that advices you that you should take a break when that isn't anything (at least that I've read) that says either of you have been contemplating that.

I think one or two of the posters touched on the fact that the more you two of you have these petty argument issues or let what each other says upset you so, the harder it becomes to reattach and let go of the resentment you each build up. Of course as the unresolved resentment builds up the affection you used to share goes away more and more. Without professional help, I don't see how the two of you will stop this from continueing.

As far as your husband not wanting to talk about the issue, well you say you respect that, but your behavior doesn't support the words you say. You have to let it go when he says he doesn't want to talk about something. Your digging got you that there is an issue, but not one that he wants to talk about. If you ask me, he shouldn't have said there was an issue without also telling you about it (at least at some point in the future). So telling you there is an issue, but not ever wanting to talk about it isn't fair and is poor communication. You have ever right to get frustrated by that, but you also have to accept that and let go.

Other advice you got about walking away, finding something to do and coming back when you are in a better mood is always great advice.

I have to also say that I think it is the wrong time to bring up issues (well at least important ones) while a SO is engaged in an activity that they enjoy (ignoring the fact that there is potential to abuse activites that one enjoys).

So, you coming up to him and showing affection seemed like a nice gesture. But really, seems you did with the expectation of something in return and your were disappointed. There is a power struggle that it seems to be going on to me related to the showing of affection. In a healthy relationship, this would not be an issue. You'd show affection because you want to and not because you expect it in return. Sure, I guess you can expect to get affection from a SO and if it isn't being displayed you have ever right to express your disappointment. But I think once you start withholding it and waiting it out vs. when the SO will show it or keeping track of it and paying more attention to whenther it is balance or not....well, that is the start down a slippery slope that is hard to clime back up again.

My suggestion to you (the both of you) is to seek some professional help to improve your situation and also to seek out and read a lot of the quality material that is out there for people with issues like yours. There is plenty. Hopefully, this is something that you can do together too. Either way, if he doesn't join you, I suggest you do the same on your own. GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 5:34pm

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To be honest, there's probably an underline problem that I have yet to share with you guys. I'll get to it later in this post (after answering some questions that I have for the people that replied to my thread.

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If you shut down like my hubby, how can things be better? I really thought things were going good between us especially when he hugged and kissed me on the golf course. But I guess by the looks of things maybe it was just me hoping things were getting better. Maybe the hug and kiss that he gave me on the golf course was just an act.

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My hubby stated "we don't affectionately communicate" that is bothering me and maybe that's why I was "trying too hard" to figure out what the hell is bothering him. I also stated because he hasn't told me, it "concerns" US...our marriage. Therefore, I think its unfair for him to hold "whatever" it is inside of him.

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My hubby doesn't want to talk about it. Period. He's not the type that comes back and says "ok, I'm ready to talk about it". Maybe that's another reason why I push too hard. How would you like it if your hubby says "there's something wrong but I don't want to talk about it. Therefore you will NEVER know "what" that "something" is. Wouldn't you get a little frustrated? I'm not trying to make this about you (I apologize if I have) but, please understand how it does come across to me. Its not a very good feeling when my hubby says there's something wrong but I won't tell you. That's like letting a kid go into a candy store and telling him not to get any candy.

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This isn't about him playing a game of poker. Its about an "underlining issue" I think he doesn't want to share.

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Because "whatever" this issue is with my hubby, its "affecting" our marriage. Maybe that's why I can't leave it alone.

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I know not everyhting is about me...however, it is about "our" marriage". I am part of this marriage. By the way, you aren't the first person that said "not everything is about me". And believe me, I do understand. I am "trying" to get better about not having things be so personal, but sometimes it gets to me...such as this situation

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No need to apologize. I have respected your advice and suggestions.

Ok, about the information I forgot to share. My hubby and I haven't had sex in 2 months and I think that's the "underline issue" that he doesn't want to bring up. I think that's what he meant by "If I bring it up, I'll be the bad guy and if I don't bring it up, I'll still be the bad guy". I also think maybe that's why he said "We don't affectionately communicate and it has nothing to do with being affectionate. I'm guessing...and assuming (somthing I don't like to do)...that has to do with "sex".

He's the type of guy that doesn't like to ask for affection. If you read my first thread that I created several months ago, he stated "Why should I have to work more on something that will make me happy"....that was referring to being affectionate. He thinks being affectionate should come "naturally"...and I think "maybe" its the same with "sex". Maybe this is it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just reaching when there is nothing to reach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 7:11pm

It's great that you've identified lack of sex as potentially being his problem. (And even if it's not his problem, it's still another issue to be aware of)

My previous marriage ended up totally sexless and I wish I'd known how much the dynamics of the relationship effect a couples sex life. Over on the Let's Talk About Sex board, it's frequently said that if things are bad outside the bedroom, things will be bad inside the bedroom too. And it's so true. I'm not at all surprised that the two of you haven't had sex.

When I hear you asking your husband if you still turn him on, it brings back memories for me. Because my ex husband used to ask me the same thing. (I was the one who lost all desire for sex). But have you any idea how difficult it is to say "no, you don't turn me on anymore"? It's like giving your partner the ultimate insult. And for this reason, I used to lie. If you want to address the sex issue, you've got to avoid questions like that because you'll never get an honest answer. It's just to close to the bone.

Do you want to try and understand the sex problem at present, or do you wish to leave it for now?

If you do want to figure it out, how do YOU feel about sex with him? I know that you've previously had problems initiating affection in general...does this extend to your sex life? Ie; are you able to initiate sex? Do you WANT to initiate sex? Perhaps the thought of sex with all these arguements at present is very unattractive?

Oh, and for the record, in regards to your initial post on this thread, I also sit somewhere inbetween Imasillynut and Orangecuse.

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