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| Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:51pm |
Because I don't. My hubby and I had another fight. My hubby was playing with my dog (I bought my dog a new ball at pets mart) After my hubby gets done playing with my dog, he goes into the computer room and starts playing on-line poker. While both of us are in the computer room, my dog all the sudden starts peeing on the carpet right behind my hubby's chair. My dog is pretty much house-trained. He has only had 2 accidents in the last year. After my dog peed, my hubby just kind of laughs and says "And you want to buy a house"? He continues on to say that he doesn't feel a dog should go pee at all on the carpet. So, yea, I got a little bent stating that "ok, so now that I have a dog, we can never own a house". And my hubby replies "maybe". I was thinking just because my dog pees on the carpet TWICE in the last year that this will stop us from buying a house. So, I was pissed...however, I didn't want it to escalate like the arguement we had several weeks ago. A few minutes later, I give my hubby a kiss and thinking things are ok. But the way my hubby gives me a kiss, I felt like his on-line poker was a bit more important than me. He was playing 2 hands. So, the conversation went like this:
Me: Sorry to bother you by giving you a kiss
Hubby: That's alright you weren't
Me: Yes, I was. That wasn't really a kiss
Hubby: The kiss wasn't any different that any other kiss
******For the past month, there have been no kissing other than a peck on the lips when he comes home
Me: I don't know if I even turn you on anymore
Hubby: What do you mean?
Me: We aren't affectionate. I thought things were ok, but something has been wrong for the last month and I can't put my finger on it. I've noticed you haven't really been affectionate for the past month(***See, I've been saying in my posts/thread for a while that something is wrong...I thought maybe it was taking him longer to come around since our last arguements a month ago...but I got the feeling maybe it isn't)
Hubby: Yea, your right I haven't really been affectionate
Me: Why is that?
Hubby: It just something I have to deal with
Me: **Confused
Hubby: I don't want to talk about it because we would end up in a fight. If I tell you, then I'll be the bad guy and if I don't tell you then I'm still the bad guy.
Me: ***Very confused and starting to get pissed
Me: Therefore, you don't want to talk about it
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: So are you saying you will never be affectionate in our marriage
Hubby: It has nothing to do with being affectionate
Me: ***Very confused and getting more pissed
Me: So, I'm supposed to guess at what you won't tell me
Hubby: Just let it go
Me: I feel communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Don't you feel things need to be talked out
Hubby: On some matters I do. I'm just not going to talk about this and I know you want to know what it is but I'm not going to tell you
Me: Don't you know this affects our marriage
Hubby: Yes, I do. Since I have to deal with this and I'm part of this marriage, yes, I know this affects our marriage
Me: Well, you are being unfair to me
Hubby: Its me that has to deal with this
Me: Are you saying that you will never be affectionate with me (***Thinking that its been me that's initiating MOST of the affection in the last couple of weeks.)
Hubby: But your not affectionate. So, are you blaming me because I'm not affectionate
Me: ***Thinking this is the same type of conversation we had several months ago with him thinking that I don't initiate affection. But I'm getting pissed because he hasn't even noticed that I have been affectionate...giving him a kiss when he gets home, taking his hand when we walk to the car, or putting my hand on his shoulder when he's on the pc or even giving him a kiss while he's on the pc. Man, what a freaking waste of my time thinking he hasn't noticed any of my affection
Me: You haven't answered my question
Hubby: Which question is that?
Me: Do I still turn you on?
Hubby: Yes, sometimes
Me: Well, that's reassuring. Why are you getting upset with me. I'm just trying to figure out something that you won't tell me. I feel communication is very important.
Hubby: We don't affectionately communicate.
Me: ***Very confused on what he meant by "affectionately communicate"....or he might have said "communicate affectionately"...
***By this time we are both pissed. By the way, while we are having this conversation my hubby has not looked once at me because he was playing poker on his pc.
Me: I just need affirmation.
Hubby: I know what you mean
Me: You don't think me sending you that ecard was affirmation
Hubby: It was great. (Sounding a bit sarcastic)
Me: Well, I thought you would appreciate it
Hubby: I did. I said it was great
Me: I just need to feel loved by you and I don't. (***I leave the room) After a few minutes, I give him a kiss and say "whatever you won't tell me, I need to respect it". And then I leave the room. I must admit, as I'm in bed, I'm really starting to stew.
After having this conversation I am MORE confused. I thought things were starting to be good, but I guess I'm just too naive. I told you guys in another post that last week while we were golfing, he just came up and hugged me and kissed me on the golf course. It really melted me. And yesterday, I sent him an ecard while he was at work and he called me to thank me.
Can anyone figure out what my hubby meants by when he said "we don't affectionately communicate"? I'm totally lost.

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Out of curiousity, where you the one always initiating sex? Is that the reason why you lost the desire?
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What is your suggestion on how to address the sex issue?
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I still am attracted to my hubby. To me, my attraction for my hubby is not like turning off/on a water faucet, compared to when my hubby stated "Yes, sometimes I'm attracted to you". I feel with that statement he can turn it off and on. I simply can't do it. My physical attraction has always been there. Ok, I have to admit, I've only initiated sex twice since we have gotten together. Sure I would like to initiate affection, however, after his statement of "sometimes, I'm attracted to you", doesn't make me feel loved or reassured by him. What if I initiated sex and it happened to be the day he isn't attracted to me, after all I wouldn't want to pick the wrong time. And yes, all the arguements have made it very unattractive. But the last several weeks, I really thought things were starting to get back on the right track. It made me feel loved when he walked up to me and gave me a hug and kiss right there on the golf course last week. Therefore, I took that affirmation as he was also starting to come around, however, by the conversation last night, I'm not so sure it never got off the ground.
Edited 8/18/2006 7:46 pm ET by casey0201
We agree on a lot more than we disagree on here...there is virtually no space between orangecuse and sillynut.
My perspective was from reading soooo many posts on this from Casey. This is his pattern...he withdraws and then when she chases, he throws out there some big secret issue that he won't discuss with her....this makes her crazy and he knows it...that is why he is doing it....he wins the argument...she retreats and obsesses and walks on pins and needles and tries to evaluate every word that was said and will be said. Meanwhile he is alone in his cave I guess masturbating and playing poker.
It just seems to me that he is not invested in fixing this relationship...maybe it is cause we are only hearing her side...and it is clear that she wants to do better even in the face of some pretty big mistakes (like asking him if she turns him on), I just haven't heard anything that makes me think he does (one hug on a golf course doesn't seem invested to me...he probably hit a good shot). Now we hear no sex for 2 months...what is left here....they talk to each other like three year olds, they are openly comtemptuous, and there is constant withdrawl.
Based on what I have read and seen these last two... contemptuous arguments and withdrawl (including and especially sexual by the man) are the two biggest markers for divorce. we are beyond behavioral tuning to needing an intervention if this ship is gonna stop sinking.
Thanks, P.
>>Out of curiousity, where you the one always initiating sex? Is that the reason why you lost the desire?<<
I never kept track of who initiated most, but I guess it was about 50/50. No, the reason I lost sexual interest in him was because I fell out of love. All the things that attracted me to him when we first met had gone and he had turned into Mr Negative unsociable man. He was always angry and pessimistic with things at work, but refused to make changes such as finding a new job. But all these changes happened gradually, and I was unaware of how closely one's sex drive can be linked to other marital issues. He also refused to do marriage counselling until after I left, but by then I had no intention of trying to work on the marriage.
>>What is your suggestion on how to address the sex issue?<<
I would stick to "I" statements. For example "we haven't had sex for ages...gee I miss it". This must not be said during a fight. Far better to keep it till you're watching TV together with a bottle of wine.
In regards to initiating sex, it's totally normal to receive a knock-back if your partner isn't in the mood. About 25% of the times I initiate, I get a knock-back and same goes for DH. In a good marriage, it's not a rejection - it's a statement of fact.
Though I totally understand you not wanting to initiate now that he's said he's only sometimes attracted to you.....why didn't you initiate *before* this conversation? If you felt the past few weeks were getting better, it would have been the perfect time to give it a try! And just like the rest of initiating affection, he would have found that being the only one initiating sex gets very old, very quickly.
Lastly, he's not able to turn his sex drive on and off like a faucet. Instead, it's most likely a direct result of the fights. If you have a fight, his sex drive instinctively turns off and will gradually return as the relationship returns to normal. I would guess that if the relationship is going well, then his sex drive is too.
It's what, his third marriage? I would say his idea of "fixing" a marriage would be getting a new one.
I guess from my standpoint, I figured the "big issue" is the exact same thing, every time. Though I spose it could be his trump card to end the argument.
Casey, maybe you could try reading a book on codependency. There are some really good ones out there. I seriously think you have to stop thinking about him and analyzing what he says/does, doesn't say/do and work on YOU. And you alone. Stop trying to fix your marriage and just work on fixing yourself. Once you are where you need to be, then you can work on the marriage.
Jen
Casey,
Just wanted to say that I hope you (and your DH) had a nice weekend, and that everything went well!!! I know it's hard to stay positive when things seem so unsettled or unresolved but just wanted to send some good wishes your way!!!
The more of the OPs posts I read the more I am inclined to think that him and her are simply two completely incompatible people, in all ways - as people, as man and woman, as housemates - and no councelling is going to change this fundamental fact. She is being totally ridiculous in the way she communicates/reacts to his statements and he is being just as ridiculous in the way he handles their miscommunication and arguments. The bottom line is though, he is what he is and so is she and they will not change; they just don't seem to be working as a couple at all.
Sorry its taken me so long to respond. I never received any type of email notification that someone has replied to my thread.
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That's a very good question. The reason why I didn't initiate it, because I thought he was still mad at me...hence not kissing me before he leaves work, not being very affectionate, etc.
Sure, it would have been nice if I had initiated first if things were back to the way it was before the arguement (over a month ago)
After telling you guys that I haven't had sex for 2 months, over the weekend, my hubby did initiate the sex...but...I felt he initiated the sex because he hasn't had it for a long time (the last time he initiated sex, that's exactly what he said to me), therefore, I thought this time was the same. After we had sex, I have to admit, it made me feel like crap. Sure, I also participated in it because its been a long time, but at the same time, I felt like crap. I felt it really wasn't because we wanted to "make love"...it was because we both wanted to get laid. I hope you understand I feel there is a difference between making love to someone and getting laid.
Anyways, the next day, I really wasn't myself. I wanted to bring it up to my hubby, but I just don't know how to tell him. I want our sex life to be great and not because we haven't had it for a long time. So, how do I talk to him about it?
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Yes, its his third marriage. His first wife cheated on him; he married his 2nd wife because he wanted a "mom" to his kids. He told me he realized his 2nd marriage was a mistake.
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Actually, I am doing this now with a counselor.
Thank you ldack for asking if I had a nice weekend. The answer is yes I did.
>>I hope you understand I feel there is a difference between making love to someone and getting laid<<
Yes, I do believe there's a difference. While I haven't really experienced it, others tell me that making love has much more emotion involved. Is this what you are seeking?
If so, I don't think there's anything you can do about lack of 'love making' at present. In order to "make love" one has to be feeling emotionally close to their partner. And from what I understand, the two of you are not feeling this way at present.
I would suggest that you leave this issue for now and address it when your relationship is back on track. And with any luck, when you start to feel emotionally close again, the making love should happen instinctively.
Casey,
I totally understand your wanting an emotional connection when you make love. Even in my marriage though, sometimes we make love, and honestly sometimes one of us just wants to get laid. That's just part of it. The important thing to me is that we are doing it together. Personally, (and this is just me) I wouldn't talk to him about it, I'd just start initiating it a lot, and see if it doesn't work out where sometimes it's making love, even though other times it'll just be sex for the sake of sex. (which isn't a bad thing in my book) My DH initiated a lot at first, now I initiate almost 99 % of the time, but I don't care, as long as we're having it.
<<I hope you understand I feel there is a difference between making love to someone and getting laid >>
I don't know "gettin laid" can be pretty frickin fun.........hahahaha!
Defleppardgal
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