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| Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:51pm |
Because I don't. My hubby and I had another fight. My hubby was playing with my dog (I bought my dog a new ball at pets mart) After my hubby gets done playing with my dog, he goes into the computer room and starts playing on-line poker. While both of us are in the computer room, my dog all the sudden starts peeing on the carpet right behind my hubby's chair. My dog is pretty much house-trained. He has only had 2 accidents in the last year. After my dog peed, my hubby just kind of laughs and says "And you want to buy a house"? He continues on to say that he doesn't feel a dog should go pee at all on the carpet. So, yea, I got a little bent stating that "ok, so now that I have a dog, we can never own a house". And my hubby replies "maybe". I was thinking just because my dog pees on the carpet TWICE in the last year that this will stop us from buying a house. So, I was pissed...however, I didn't want it to escalate like the arguement we had several weeks ago. A few minutes later, I give my hubby a kiss and thinking things are ok. But the way my hubby gives me a kiss, I felt like his on-line poker was a bit more important than me. He was playing 2 hands. So, the conversation went like this:
Me: Sorry to bother you by giving you a kiss
Hubby: That's alright you weren't
Me: Yes, I was. That wasn't really a kiss
Hubby: The kiss wasn't any different that any other kiss
******For the past month, there have been no kissing other than a peck on the lips when he comes home
Me: I don't know if I even turn you on anymore
Hubby: What do you mean?
Me: We aren't affectionate. I thought things were ok, but something has been wrong for the last month and I can't put my finger on it. I've noticed you haven't really been affectionate for the past month(***See, I've been saying in my posts/thread for a while that something is wrong...I thought maybe it was taking him longer to come around since our last arguements a month ago...but I got the feeling maybe it isn't)
Hubby: Yea, your right I haven't really been affectionate
Me: Why is that?
Hubby: It just something I have to deal with
Me: **Confused
Hubby: I don't want to talk about it because we would end up in a fight. If I tell you, then I'll be the bad guy and if I don't tell you then I'm still the bad guy.
Me: ***Very confused and starting to get pissed
Me: Therefore, you don't want to talk about it
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: So are you saying you will never be affectionate in our marriage
Hubby: It has nothing to do with being affectionate
Me: ***Very confused and getting more pissed
Me: So, I'm supposed to guess at what you won't tell me
Hubby: Just let it go
Me: I feel communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Don't you feel things need to be talked out
Hubby: On some matters I do. I'm just not going to talk about this and I know you want to know what it is but I'm not going to tell you
Me: Don't you know this affects our marriage
Hubby: Yes, I do. Since I have to deal with this and I'm part of this marriage, yes, I know this affects our marriage
Me: Well, you are being unfair to me
Hubby: Its me that has to deal with this
Me: Are you saying that you will never be affectionate with me (***Thinking that its been me that's initiating MOST of the affection in the last couple of weeks.)
Hubby: But your not affectionate. So, are you blaming me because I'm not affectionate
Me: ***Thinking this is the same type of conversation we had several months ago with him thinking that I don't initiate affection. But I'm getting pissed because he hasn't even noticed that I have been affectionate...giving him a kiss when he gets home, taking his hand when we walk to the car, or putting my hand on his shoulder when he's on the pc or even giving him a kiss while he's on the pc. Man, what a freaking waste of my time thinking he hasn't noticed any of my affection
Me: You haven't answered my question
Hubby: Which question is that?
Me: Do I still turn you on?
Hubby: Yes, sometimes
Me: Well, that's reassuring. Why are you getting upset with me. I'm just trying to figure out something that you won't tell me. I feel communication is very important.
Hubby: We don't affectionately communicate.
Me: ***Very confused on what he meant by "affectionately communicate"....or he might have said "communicate affectionately"...
***By this time we are both pissed. By the way, while we are having this conversation my hubby has not looked once at me because he was playing poker on his pc.
Me: I just need affirmation.
Hubby: I know what you mean
Me: You don't think me sending you that ecard was affirmation
Hubby: It was great. (Sounding a bit sarcastic)
Me: Well, I thought you would appreciate it
Hubby: I did. I said it was great
Me: I just need to feel loved by you and I don't. (***I leave the room) After a few minutes, I give him a kiss and say "whatever you won't tell me, I need to respect it". And then I leave the room. I must admit, as I'm in bed, I'm really starting to stew.
After having this conversation I am MORE confused. I thought things were starting to be good, but I guess I'm just too naive. I told you guys in another post that last week while we were golfing, he just came up and hugged me and kissed me on the golf course. It really melted me. And yesterday, I sent him an ecard while he was at work and he called me to thank me.
Can anyone figure out what my hubby meants by when he said "we don't affectionately communicate"? I'm totally lost.

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My hubby used to initiate affection FIRST and then I guess because it wasn't a give & take, he stopped initiating. To this day I still wonder why. Shouldn't he initiating affection because he WANTS to and not because I'm not initiating. I've heard from many advices on this board that he stopped initiating because he got tired of initiating it. But it shouldn't be about who initiates it first as long as there's affection. Right?
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I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
Edited 8/30/2006 1:43 pm ET by casey0201
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Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think this is a farce statement. Who cares what poeple think. Isn't that what society tells us. Why should you care what people think? If I was at work and I heard someone tell their spouse I love you, I would think "that's really sweet". It wouldn't annoy me at all.
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I understand he's not romancing me at work, however, it doesn't take 1 minute just to text me to say I love you...it takes just the same amount of time for him to call just to say hi.
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I don't expect him to do this on a daily basis. And he doesn't even have to do this at work. As much time as he spends on the pc, he could send me a ecard and put a "next day delivery". Its not that difficult. But I guess to him it is. The last text message I received from him was 4 months ago. I don't think once a month of just sending me a text or ecard or flowers or a card is asking too much. Or better yet, I would even take maybe not once a month but every couple of months.
Casey,
I just do not get what the big deal is about whether he says he loves you or "me too". Once in a while my DH will say "ditto". Now how unromantic does that sound? It doesn't to him though, it's just kind of guy talk. You said in your other post "who cares what people think". Maybe your DH does, and if he does will you tell him his feelings don't matter and he shouldn't care what people think because you don't care? What if he does care? Does his view count too?
Yes, I agree that it doesn't matter who initiates affection but that works in my relationship, but not all relationships. When your DH used to initiate all the time did you always respond? If not then maybe that's why he stopped. Keep in mind though some affection does die down after the honeymoon phase. I guess that's partly because then we become comfortable enough with each other to feel like there doesn't always have to be affection, and that we'll be accepted and loved by our partner even whey the honeymoon phase is over and real life begins.
You said your DH called you a couple times, yet you were still mad cause he didn't say the right thing? He called you a couple times, so doesn't that show he's thinking of you?
Dont take this wrong, but it seems that no matter what he does you look for fault in it.
He can never do things quite good enough. He called you a couple times. I'd be thrilled to know my DH was thinking of me a couple times in the day.
Did you grow up in a family that expressed their feelings a lot? I didn't. I love my Mom, sister, etc but NEVER say it to them. It doesn't make my love any less, just means I don't say it. That's just me. I do say it to DH, and my daughter (but not all the time), but they are the only ones. My ex and his family used to say it to each other all the time. I just don't feel it's that necessary.
Look for the good that your DH is doing instead of looking for the bad.
Thanks for responding back before I go golfing.
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I guess it is a big deal to me when my hubby says I Love You. I've never been in a relationship that my ex has ever stated he loved me, therefore, it means a lot to me when my hubby does say it.
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Like I mentioned in my other post, my hubby has NEVER responded "ME TOO" regardless of whether he is at work or not. It just bothers me that this is the first time he responded that way.
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Yes. I NEVER rejected his affection. If he came and gave me a hug, I would always respond with a hug back. Or if he held my hand, I would always hold his hand. Personally, you guys are probably right, he just got tired of always initiating affection FIRST.
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I don't know...maybe. After he left my a voice message, he kept on calling. I don't understand why he kept calling because when I FINALLY answered the phone, he said EXACTLY what he said in the voice message. Therefore, I said "I know all this because you stated this in the voice message". He responded by "I just wanted you to hear it from me, rather than in a message". And then while I was at the driving range, he kept calling. He said the reason why I didn't want to leave you another voice message is I didn't want to have to keep saying "I'll call you back in a few minutes", therefore, he kept calling me. I really don't think that was thinking of me. Maybe he had a "guilty" feeling because I "kidding" gave him a hard time about the I Love You. (Please note, I was giving him a hard time about not saying I Love You...because I didn't want to upset him at work. And while I was giving him a hard time (jokingly), he said he had to go. I guess he was pretty busy at work. After he said he had to go, I just said "bye" and hung up (which I think I hung up on him accidently). When we did speak, he said he was sorry for having to cut me off like that....so...maybe we both hung up at the same time. Anyways, I think that's why he kept calling, because he felt guilty...not because he was thinking of me.
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No, my family hardly expressed themselves. Maybe that's why its a big deal when my hubby does express himself when he does say I Love You. Hope this makes sense.
>>I don't think once a month of just sending me a text or ecard or flowers or a card is asking too much. Or better yet, I would even take maybe not once a month but every couple of months.<<
Casey, my husband never sends these types of things. But it's NOT a big deal. My husband loves me and shows me in his daily actions. Sending ecards, romantic texts and flowers is not part of my husband's love language and it's obviously not part of your husband's either.
If you really want to show your love, quit with the ecards and texts. Instead show your love in forms of acceptance and peace. Stop picking on him! If you could accept him for who he is, your marriage would fare far better.
Quite frankly, with all you complain about your husband, I have no idea why you're still there. You're trying to mould him into something he's not and never will be.
Accept him for who he is or leave. But stop complaining and trying to fix him.
Have you read the Five Love Languages yet? I'm almost positive it's been suggested to you a number of times...
Sheri
having the same thought myself.
I'm wondering if Casey has no intention of learning to accept her husband's language of love.
Casey, regarding him saying "I love you", has it occurred to you that he may not love you at present? When we consider your actions....all the fighting and nit picking. Your inability to accept him for who he is and your inability to let things go - is it any surprise that he's having trouble saying those three words. I mean, honestly, your behaviour is not the kind that makes someone love us.
The online poker? I think he's trying to avoid you. Online poker won't argue with him and tell him that he's not good enough.
You asked how to let things go. (I'm fully aware that I'm about to sound like your husband here) Letting things go comes from love and a degree of pragmatism. It comes from accepting your partner for who he is. If you cannot/will not accept him for who he is, then you've married the wrong man.
Love isn't ecards, texts and flowers. Love is acceptance and not trying to change our partner. And I know that this is your husband's language of love. And I'm guessing that your husband sees through the ecards and texts and realises that you don't truly love/accept him. Hence the poker and his inability to say "I love you".
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Casey-Like I mentioned in my other post, my hubby has NEVER responded "ME TOO" regardless of whether he is at work or not. It just bothers me that this is the first time he responded that way.
Casey,
I asked in the paragraph above if his view counts too. Read your answer. You didn't anwer whether or not his view or feelings count. You answered by telling me again what YOU want, and what upset YOU. I was asking about HIM. If he didn't want to say I love you in front of others, if he just didn't feel like saying I love you at that moment, whatever the reason, my qustion is "Do his feelings count too"?
You said he called a number of times. I OFTEN leave messages on my DH phone, and then I'll call back 5 minutes later and tell him the same thing. That's cause it's something I wanted to tell him in person, even though I might have left it on a message. Sounds to me like he was wanting to hear your voice, to talk to you, and you were only concerned about whether he said the exact words you wanted to hear, and discounted the fact that he was wanting to talk with you.
You also said you were jokingly gave him a hard time about not saying I love you at work. You weren't joking though, you were seriously upset about it. Joking is fun and lighthearted and funny without a hidden meaning. I'm sure he saw right through your joking and realized you were criticizing him for it.
Why would he feel guilty for cutting you off quickly at work. He got busy, he cut you off. Isn't that what you are supposed to do at work. I'm wondering why you thought he kept calling you cause he felt guilty about that instead of just because he wanted to talk to you. He had NO reason to feel guilty. Be sure not to make things into something they are not.
I agree with the other posters that you really need to accept your husband for who and how he is. Some days he'll say "I love you" some days he won't. Some days he'll be loving, some days he won't. He's human, he'll change. Because he used to do something all the time doesn't mean he always will. People change all the time, different things are more important to us at different times in our lives. You're trying to keep him in this little box, always doing the same things, the things that are important to you. Let him out of the little box, let him change, let him be himself.
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I don't feel that sending ecards or texts is wrong. I like receiving ecards and texts and am hoping that if I keeping sending them, maybe, he would get the idea (if he cares about my feelings) to also send them.
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What about my language? Does my feelings count too?
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Are you saying you can love someone and then not love someone like turning off and on a water faucet? I really find this hard to believe.
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I disagree with you. On-line poker is and can be very addicting. He plays the game when I'm sleeping or when I go out somewhere. So, I don't see how that is trying to "avoid" me.
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Acceptance is HIS love language? It also seems like "Physical" language is also his love language. What about my love language? Why can't he "accept" my love language? When do MY feelings get taken into consideration?
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What??? Sending ecards and texts should only add MORE to your love for somone. Please explain how telling someone you love them in a text or e-card mean you love them less. I'm totally confused.
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His feelings do count, but I feel my feelings also count.
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You are absolutely correct I was still HURT because I wanted to hear those words from him. Are you saying that I should put aside my hurt to accommodate him? I have a "right" to feel hurt. When you feel hurt doesn't it sometime cloud your judgement on things?
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Ok, I agree with you somewhat on this issue. Saying I Love You to your spouse, should that be one of the important things to hear? I'm also human. Maybe the other day I "needed" to hear him say I Love You because I found out that I didn't get the job I interviewed for. Maybe I needed to hear him say I Love You because I miss him saying it to me. Maybe I needed to hear him say I Love You because I said it first. Maybe I needed to hear him say I love you because....well I think you get the point. There are times in my marriage I need something from my hubby and that happened to be the day I needed it. Sometimes in life we need to feel (hug) or hear (I Love You, I miss you, or I'm thinking about you, etc) more than other days. Its just the same as sometimes we need hugs more than other days. Is that so wrong to just feel a need like I needed the other day for him to say I Love You.
Edited 8/31/2006 1:41 pm ET by casey0201
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