Anyone have a clue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Anyone have a clue?
83
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:51pm

Because I don't. My hubby and I had another fight. My hubby was playing with my dog (I bought my dog a new ball at pets mart) After my hubby gets done playing with my dog, he goes into the computer room and starts playing on-line poker. While both of us are in the computer room, my dog all the sudden starts peeing on the carpet right behind my hubby's chair. My dog is pretty much house-trained. He has only had 2 accidents in the last year. After my dog peed, my hubby just kind of laughs and says "And you want to buy a house"? He continues on to say that he doesn't feel a dog should go pee at all on the carpet. So, yea, I got a little bent stating that "ok, so now that I have a dog, we can never own a house". And my hubby replies "maybe". I was thinking just because my dog pees on the carpet TWICE in the last year that this will stop us from buying a house. So, I was pissed...however, I didn't want it to escalate like the arguement we had several weeks ago. A few minutes later, I give my hubby a kiss and thinking things are ok. But the way my hubby gives me a kiss, I felt like his on-line poker was a bit more important than me. He was playing 2 hands. So, the conversation went like this:

Me: Sorry to bother you by giving you a kiss
Hubby: That's alright you weren't
Me: Yes, I was. That wasn't really a kiss
Hubby: The kiss wasn't any different that any other kiss
******For the past month, there have been no kissing other than a peck on the lips when he comes home

Me: I don't know if I even turn you on anymore
Hubby: What do you mean?
Me: We aren't affectionate. I thought things were ok, but something has been wrong for the last month and I can't put my finger on it. I've noticed you haven't really been affectionate for the past month(***See, I've been saying in my posts/thread for a while that something is wrong...I thought maybe it was taking him longer to come around since our last arguements a month ago...but I got the feeling maybe it isn't)
Hubby: Yea, your right I haven't really been affectionate
Me: Why is that?
Hubby: It just something I have to deal with
Me: **Confused
Hubby: I don't want to talk about it because we would end up in a fight. If I tell you, then I'll be the bad guy and if I don't tell you then I'm still the bad guy.
Me: ***Very confused and starting to get pissed
Me: Therefore, you don't want to talk about it
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: So are you saying you will never be affectionate in our marriage
Hubby: It has nothing to do with being affectionate
Me: ***Very confused and getting more pissed
Me: So, I'm supposed to guess at what you won't tell me
Hubby: Just let it go
Me: I feel communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Don't you feel things need to be talked out
Hubby: On some matters I do. I'm just not going to talk about this and I know you want to know what it is but I'm not going to tell you
Me: Don't you know this affects our marriage
Hubby: Yes, I do. Since I have to deal with this and I'm part of this marriage, yes, I know this affects our marriage
Me: Well, you are being unfair to me
Hubby: Its me that has to deal with this
Me: Are you saying that you will never be affectionate with me (***Thinking that its been me that's initiating MOST of the affection in the last couple of weeks.)
Hubby: But your not affectionate. So, are you blaming me because I'm not affectionate
Me: ***Thinking this is the same type of conversation we had several months ago with him thinking that I don't initiate affection. But I'm getting pissed because he hasn't even noticed that I have been affectionate...giving him a kiss when he gets home, taking his hand when we walk to the car, or putting my hand on his shoulder when he's on the pc or even giving him a kiss while he's on the pc. Man, what a freaking waste of my time thinking he hasn't noticed any of my affection
Me: You haven't answered my question
Hubby: Which question is that?
Me: Do I still turn you on?
Hubby: Yes, sometimes
Me: Well, that's reassuring. Why are you getting upset with me. I'm just trying to figure out something that you won't tell me. I feel communication is very important.
Hubby: We don't affectionately communicate.
Me: ***Very confused on what he meant by "affectionately communicate"....or he might have said "communicate affectionately"...
***By this time we are both pissed. By the way, while we are having this conversation my hubby has not looked once at me because he was playing poker on his pc.
Me: I just need affirmation.
Hubby: I know what you mean
Me: You don't think me sending you that ecard was affirmation
Hubby: It was great. (Sounding a bit sarcastic)
Me: Well, I thought you would appreciate it
Hubby: I did. I said it was great
Me: I just need to feel loved by you and I don't. (***I leave the room) After a few minutes, I give him a kiss and say "whatever you won't tell me, I need to respect it". And then I leave the room. I must admit, as I'm in bed, I'm really starting to stew.

After having this conversation I am MORE confused. I thought things were starting to be good, but I guess I'm just too naive. I told you guys in another post that last week while we were golfing, he just came up and hugged me and kissed me on the golf course. It really melted me. And yesterday, I sent him an ecard while he was at work and he called me to thank me.

Can anyone figure out what my hubby meants by when he said "we don't affectionately communicate"? I'm totally lost.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 1:40pm

Those are ways YOU show love. Those are NOT ways that he receives or shows love. THAT is the point people are trying to make. And if you bothered to take the couple hours that it would take to read the book that people who are trying to help have suggested to you, you would KNOW that.

YES, your language counts but SO DOES HIS!!!

You are so busy trying to be "right" about how love MUST be shown in your relationship (i.e., on YOUR terms) that you are running the serious risk of "righting" yourself right out of this marriage.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:11pm

Casey,

You are right, there are days when we all need a hug, or to hear the words "I love you". I comletely understand that you had one of those days, we all do. Thing is, your husband isn't a mind reader. Why not go up to him when he comes home put your arms around him and say "hi honey, I'm so glad you're home, I've had a bad day, and I really just need a big hug and for you to tell me you love me". Don't hint around expecting him to read your mind. If you have a bad day and need an I love you, tell him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:19pm

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I do own the book the 5 love language by Gary Chapman and have read it. I think my hubby love language is Physical. However, I've tried HIS love language, but it doesn't work. No matter how much initiating of affection I do, it will NEVER be enough for my hubby because of the fact he knows I don't initiate affection, even though in the last month I've don'e more initiating of affection.

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I don't get it. Just because I want MY feelings to be accounted for, its taken out of context that I want to be right? I feel HURT, therefore, that's taking out of I want to be right? I'm confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:25pm

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Why is it always ME lately that has to give him affection FIRST? I don't feel I have to ASK him to say I Love You. I have to much pride to ask for something that I feel should be a given. Its kind of like he doesn't feel he should ask for affection...it should just be a given.

Everything sounds so simple, but a marriage is a pain in the butt sometimes. There needs to be a marriage manual then everything would be much easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 2:43pm

In a healthy relationship, nobody is really keeping very good score of who is initiating.

I was in a relationship once where my SO insisted that she initiated 99% of the time. I also thought I was initiating 99% of the time. In reality, we were both just one the same page and wanted the same thing....so we both thought we were the source of the start of a sharing of affection. I guess we were both right.

On the other hand, I was with someone that did initiate 99% of of the time. I didn't reject her and accepted the initiation openly all the time. Yet, I do think that resentment built up on both of our parts over time because of this. 1. she was resentful and didn't feel fully desired because I wastn't percieved as the source of initiating intimacy between us. and 2. I became resentful over time because I wasn't afforded the chance to initiate intimacy more - I really wasn't. I began to feel used, first sexually, then in other ways in the relationship. She was initiating so much, so quickly and so often that I never had the chance to build up the desire to initiate sex between us. My sexuality was being controlled by her. Of course, I shared responsibility because I let it happen.

Really, she was initiating intimacy bewtween us daily, often mulitiple times a day (I guess I'm talking about sex rather than the full spectrum of actual ways couples share intimacy)....trust me, I was intersted in sharing it daily, it's just that I would have liked it to feel more spontaneous (and thus real). Yet, eventually I figured out that this was just one more way in which she was showing significant control issues that she had. For her, I think it was more about controlling me and giving herself something to be unhappy and complain about at the same time. Some people are happiest, when they are unhappy - if that makes sense.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 3:11pm

Well, gosh, it makes no sense to me that you would still be thinking the way that you are about the way each of you shows love if you've read the book. So I'm at a loss...have you read it *recently*, I wonder? And have you asked your husband to read it as well? Have you tried implementing any of the other suggestions in the book besides showing your husband more physical affection? Have you ASKED him if that's really his language?

And how do you KNOW it will never be enough? If you've only been doing it for a month, that's hardly enough time to tell!

As for the being right issue, I don't think I'm taking it out of context at all. You are hurt BECAUSE you want to be right.

Look, I'm not saying this is all on you. Your husband is definitely being a butthead in a lot of ways, as I've said before, and unless he starts making some effort also, I don't see how this is ever going to be completely resolved. But you can only change YOU. So that's what you should be working on. You can work on accepting your husband for who and how he IS (not how you WANT him to be), and be happier. Or you can keep focusing on how he SHOULD be showing you love (i.e., focusing on being RIGHT) and continue to be unhappy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 3:37pm

Casey,

Please re-read my post. I didn't say you ALWAYS have to be the one to initiate affection did I? You said you were having a bad day and needed to hear him say I Love You. All I said was he's not a mind reader and that if you're having a bad day and need to hear it THAT day (not every single day) tell him.

What? You have too much pride to tell your husband you had a bad day and would like a hug and affection? Isn't that communication, sharing? If your husband came home and hugged you and said he had a bad day and just needed a hug and kiss from the one he loves, you'd think that was bad and that he should have more pride???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 4:39pm

I've read all of your postings on your problems with your husband... what I come away with is that the anger, animosity, disappointment, resentment and fear is so thick in your marriage it is choking the life and affection straight out of it. You are heading for divorce court if you don't do something to change your tack. You're both running your ship to ground to be dashed on the rocks.

You complain that you feel we make it sound like it's all on you, well guess what? Your husband isn't the one here every other day starting a new post and complaining about you. If he was, I'm quite sure we'd all be putting him through the very same reasoning rigours, too. If you want things to change, then you have to start with the woman in the mirror.

The day may never come where he will feel it's in his best interests to change his tack and meet you half-way because he doesn't know from which direction the next salvo will be launched by you--so what are you prepared to do about changing things? Arguing with us won't do it. Whining, complaining and starting fights won't do it. It will only serve to drive him further into the mindset he's been driven into. He's sounding as if he doesn't believe it's worth it because all he is hearing from you is how wrong he in in this and how wrong he is in that. He can't please you when you're hypersensitive to any thing he may say or do because you interpret all as a deliberate slight against you instead of factoring in human foibles.

You need to agree to a cease fire, first, before you can have any hope of reconcilliation and resolve in your marital issues. You need to locate a good therapist with training/certification in couple's therapy and be serious as a heart attack in your commitment to resolve the dysfunction so that you solve your issues once and for all. As someone else posted "you can be right and be alone..." or you can own what you are bringing to the dysfunction and break down and work to end the behaviors which are leading you away from what you want most.




Edited 8/31/2006 4:41 pm ET by quenek
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 4:41pm

Isn't it funny how we perceive the effort we put into a relationship, and how much we actually are. I say I initiate 99%, but if you asked DH he'd probably say he does. I guess that's because we all have different ideas of what showing affection is. I know my DH will fix something for me, and to him that is showing his affection for me. To me, it's just fixing soemthing. LOL Recently he changed my car insurance saving me a little money and to him that shows he loves and is watching out for me. To me, it was extra paperwork to save a few dollars. I guess the key is not taking things like that for granted and being understanding enough to realize that we show our feelings for each other differently.

As for the sex part, I never thought about someone using that as a control issue. I never was the one to initiate at first, always kind of shy that way. My DH let me know how much he loves for me to be the one to start it and then he'll take over. If I don't initiate he'll lay there making a couple big sighs. LOL Sometimes I won't just to listen to him do that as I quietly laugh to myself. :-) Then I'll go ahead and stop torturing him. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 4:45pm

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Yes, actually I have asked him. Since he won't go to counseling, I thought maybe he could read the book. By the way, I asked him this a few months ago and here's how the conversation went:

Me: I bought this book by Gary Chapman and it talks about different kind of love language that each individual expresses, and I thought maybe you could read the book at your convience.
Hubby: I don't want to read the book. It only works for a short time and then we go back to the way we "originally" were
Me: Ok, well, thanks for your time.

He told me how he felt and that was the end of it.

<>

A month is a long time for someone who's never really initiated affection in the first place.

I understand that I can only change ME, but right now I'm just too hurt and frustrated to see HIS side. I still don't get why he couldn't say I Love You...instead he says "ME TOO" WTF is that...ME TOO. I think if he ever says I Love You (first), I'm going to respond "Me too" and see how he feels.

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