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| Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:51pm |
Because I don't. My hubby and I had another fight. My hubby was playing with my dog (I bought my dog a new ball at pets mart) After my hubby gets done playing with my dog, he goes into the computer room and starts playing on-line poker. While both of us are in the computer room, my dog all the sudden starts peeing on the carpet right behind my hubby's chair. My dog is pretty much house-trained. He has only had 2 accidents in the last year. After my dog peed, my hubby just kind of laughs and says "And you want to buy a house"? He continues on to say that he doesn't feel a dog should go pee at all on the carpet. So, yea, I got a little bent stating that "ok, so now that I have a dog, we can never own a house". And my hubby replies "maybe". I was thinking just because my dog pees on the carpet TWICE in the last year that this will stop us from buying a house. So, I was pissed...however, I didn't want it to escalate like the arguement we had several weeks ago. A few minutes later, I give my hubby a kiss and thinking things are ok. But the way my hubby gives me a kiss, I felt like his on-line poker was a bit more important than me. He was playing 2 hands. So, the conversation went like this:
Me: Sorry to bother you by giving you a kiss
Hubby: That's alright you weren't
Me: Yes, I was. That wasn't really a kiss
Hubby: The kiss wasn't any different that any other kiss
******For the past month, there have been no kissing other than a peck on the lips when he comes home
Me: I don't know if I even turn you on anymore
Hubby: What do you mean?
Me: We aren't affectionate. I thought things were ok, but something has been wrong for the last month and I can't put my finger on it. I've noticed you haven't really been affectionate for the past month(***See, I've been saying in my posts/thread for a while that something is wrong...I thought maybe it was taking him longer to come around since our last arguements a month ago...but I got the feeling maybe it isn't)
Hubby: Yea, your right I haven't really been affectionate
Me: Why is that?
Hubby: It just something I have to deal with
Me: **Confused
Hubby: I don't want to talk about it because we would end up in a fight. If I tell you, then I'll be the bad guy and if I don't tell you then I'm still the bad guy.
Me: ***Very confused and starting to get pissed
Me: Therefore, you don't want to talk about it
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: So are you saying you will never be affectionate in our marriage
Hubby: It has nothing to do with being affectionate
Me: ***Very confused and getting more pissed
Me: So, I'm supposed to guess at what you won't tell me
Hubby: Just let it go
Me: I feel communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Don't you feel things need to be talked out
Hubby: On some matters I do. I'm just not going to talk about this and I know you want to know what it is but I'm not going to tell you
Me: Don't you know this affects our marriage
Hubby: Yes, I do. Since I have to deal with this and I'm part of this marriage, yes, I know this affects our marriage
Me: Well, you are being unfair to me
Hubby: Its me that has to deal with this
Me: Are you saying that you will never be affectionate with me (***Thinking that its been me that's initiating MOST of the affection in the last couple of weeks.)
Hubby: But your not affectionate. So, are you blaming me because I'm not affectionate
Me: ***Thinking this is the same type of conversation we had several months ago with him thinking that I don't initiate affection. But I'm getting pissed because he hasn't even noticed that I have been affectionate...giving him a kiss when he gets home, taking his hand when we walk to the car, or putting my hand on his shoulder when he's on the pc or even giving him a kiss while he's on the pc. Man, what a freaking waste of my time thinking he hasn't noticed any of my affection
Me: You haven't answered my question
Hubby: Which question is that?
Me: Do I still turn you on?
Hubby: Yes, sometimes
Me: Well, that's reassuring. Why are you getting upset with me. I'm just trying to figure out something that you won't tell me. I feel communication is very important.
Hubby: We don't affectionately communicate.
Me: ***Very confused on what he meant by "affectionately communicate"....or he might have said "communicate affectionately"...
***By this time we are both pissed. By the way, while we are having this conversation my hubby has not looked once at me because he was playing poker on his pc.
Me: I just need affirmation.
Hubby: I know what you mean
Me: You don't think me sending you that ecard was affirmation
Hubby: It was great. (Sounding a bit sarcastic)
Me: Well, I thought you would appreciate it
Hubby: I did. I said it was great
Me: I just need to feel loved by you and I don't. (***I leave the room) After a few minutes, I give him a kiss and say "whatever you won't tell me, I need to respect it". And then I leave the room. I must admit, as I'm in bed, I'm really starting to stew.
After having this conversation I am MORE confused. I thought things were starting to be good, but I guess I'm just too naive. I told you guys in another post that last week while we were golfing, he just came up and hugged me and kissed me on the golf course. It really melted me. And yesterday, I sent him an ecard while he was at work and he called me to thank me.
Can anyone figure out what my hubby meants by when he said "we don't affectionately communicate"? I'm totally lost.

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Casey,
I've been reading your posts there's one thing I wanted to ask. You said you were unemployed at the moment. Do all of these arguments etc. correspond with the length of time you've been unemployed? I ask this because I've been in a similar situation. I've been unemployed for the last few months. I just moved to the U.S and wasn't allowed to work here, until recently.
I thought that I was handling the whole thing pretty well. I had been through a huge upheaval, it was hard but I didn't think it was affecting our marriage. I would argue with DH over things that seemed important but in the grand scheme of things, were not. One day he said that I'd become a different person since I'd moved and wasn't working. I hated that he said that but it was true. I was miserable (I thought I'd done a good job of hiding it), my focus was 100% on our marriage, I constantly needed his attention and this was made worse by the fact that he worked a lot. He started pulling away, spending a lot of time on the computer. I wondered what was wrong with him until I realised just how difficult I was to live with. This wasn't solely due to me not working, but all the other changes in our lives also.
I made a promise to myself to try and make the best of the situation I was in, to put a smile on my face and stop complaining. I stopped the nagging, the constant worry, finding problems with our marriage. Instead of trying to change things in our marriage, picking at everything that was wrong, I started to change myself, make myself happy. The phrase, "If you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else" comes to mind. Since I've started doing that, we're much happier. I will admit that I'm a demanding person, I'll talk things to death, need a lot of attention and I think you're similar. My DH hates talking about things, sometimes he loves his own space, sometimes he loves attention just as much as I do. For all the faults he has, I have just as many. Part of being married is just accepting that.
The reason that I say all of this is that you are looking for affection and your DH isn't giving it. Outside of your marriage, are you happy? My H thought that my being miserable meant that I was unhappy with him, when really he was all I had. I could be way off but I saw so many similarities in the situation, I had to point it out.
Shelly
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I didn't say YOU think I should initiate affection...it was just a general statement. I'm not pointing my finger at you...if I have my apologies.
It just seems like lately when I want affection, I need to initiate FIRST. Because I feel if I don't initiate any affection, then there isn't going to be any affection, therefore, it doesn't make me feel loved, which, by the way, could have been another reason why I needed to hear that he loved me the other day.
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I don't have a problem telling my hubby I'm having a bad day. I do have a problem ASKING him to tell me he loves me. There have been many days my hubby has come home from work all stressed out and when that happens I come up to him and give him a hug. He didn't ask for it, but I knew he would appreciate it. I feel I shouldn't have to ask for a hug or I love you. He should know that I needed it, kind of like I know he needs a hug (without asking) when he's had a hard day at work. To be honest, I would love to have my hubby ask me for a hug then it would make me feel I'm needed by him. But that's another story.
That's unfortunate about him not being willing to read the book. As I said, your husband is being a butthead (and that's a charitable appellation, IMO) in many respects, and that's definitely one of them. It sounds like he'd rather see the marriage fail than try to fix things, and that's sad.
So, we're left with YOU...and the latter part of this post shows that you still are too fixated on being right to make any real changes. If you're not ready to see that, you're not. But nothing will change until you do.
Sheri
Casey, I can't figure out whether you are deliberately missing the explanations in our posts or whether you are a skim reader. Either way, you keep taking our comments out of context. And we have to keep trying to explain the same things again and again.
Is this what you do with your husband?
>>I don't feel that sending ecards or texts is wrong. I like receiving ecards and texts and am hoping that if I keeping sending them, maybe, he would get the idea (if he cares about my feelings) to also send them.<<
I didn't say that sending ecards or texts is wrong. Let me word it a different way. Ecards and texts are the icing on the cake. But if the cake tastes like poop, it's not going to make the cake great.
In your marriage, the "cake" is accepting your husband for who he is. This is the important part of love. The ecards and texts are just fluff on the top. However, your husband knows that the cake tastes bad (ie; you don't accept him for who he is), so he knows that the icing is meaningless. Sure, one can pick the icing off and eat it, but at the end of the day, one won't be fulfilled.
I don't know if I can do a better explanation of why he won't send the cards. So I can only reiterate: THEY ARE NOT THE WAY HE SHOWS LOVE. And I will also reiterate: YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THIS ABOUT HIM.
>>What about my language? Does my feelings count too?<<
You can't change him. ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS. You've got to learn to appreciate his love in the way he shows it.
>>Are you saying you can love someone and then not love someone like turning off and on a water faucet? I really find this hard to believe. <<
I spent a lot of time explaining this, but you conveniently left my explanations off. If you nitpick and argue and try to change someone, they will stop loving you. PERIOD. How can you not understand this?
>>Acceptance is HIS love language? It also seems like "Physical" language is also his love language. What about my love language? Why can't he "accept" my love language? When do MY feelings get taken into consideration?<<
Now we're getting somewhere. It's about understanding each other's love language.....not converting to it. You need to understand how he shows love. And he needs to understand how you show love. The love languages are RECEPTIVE not expressive. You show your love in your way and he shows his love in his way. In a good marriage, you both know how to read the gestures and appreciate them accordingly.
You don't have to convert to his language and he doesn't have to convert to yours. You simply need to understand how to be receptive to the gestures that are in his language.
>>What??? Sending ecards and texts should only add MORE to your love for somone. Please explain how telling someone you love them in a text or e-card mean you love them less. I'm totally confused.<<
I didn't say you love them less if you send ecards and texts. Back to the cake analogy. If the cake didn't rise, then it's a waste of time making icing. Reiterating: your acceptance of him is true love. The ecards and texts are sweet, but they mean nothing if you don't accept him for who he is.
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I guess when you stated this, I took it literally. Unfortunately for me, sometimes I need a very clear picture of what people mean, otherwise, I take it literally (which may or may not be what the person mean to say). Make sense?
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In your marriage, the "cake" is accepting your husband for who he is. This is the important part of love. The ecards and texts are just fluff on the top. However, your husband knows that the cake tastes bad (ie; you don't accept him for who he is), so he knows that the icing is meaningless. Sure, one can pick the icing off and eat it, but at the end of the day, one won't be fulfilled.>>
Thank You for this specific way of trying to get something across. Like I mentioned, it sometimes takes saying something a "different" way for me to understand.
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My love language is Words of Affirmation; he's is Physical. So, how do we get the 2 to connect? I'm assuming (eventhough I don't like to assume) the reason why he STOP initiating affection first is because I hardly initiated affection FIRST, therefore, he came to the conclusion that I wasn't attracted to him...which, is not the case. My way of showing him that I love him is Words of Affirmation, but he doesn't get it. I've tried to show him thru action that I love him by initiating affection first, but its not good enough for him because he knows I'm not affectionate, therefore, I stopped trying to be affectionate because it doesn't work. I'm trying but he doesn't accept it, therefore, I don't know what else to do.
::YOU::Isn't it funny how we perceive the effort we put into a relationship, and how much we actually are. I say I initiate 99%, but if you asked DH he'd probably say he does.
It isn't just relationships, it is life in general. We see the world through our own rosey glasses, yet no one else perceives it the way with do. Everybody has their own reality.
::YOU::I guess that's because we all have different ideas of what showing affection is. I know my DH will fix something for me, and to him that is showing his affection for me. To me, it's just fixing soemthing.
Didn't you say that you own and read the book The Five Languages of Love? Because how can you not show appreciation and feel the love he is showing you after reading that book?
Because I do understand how you can see it as just fixing something until you read that book. I don't understand how you can still see it as just fixing something once you've read that. It isn't showing affection directly as showing he loves you.
When someone keeps making an effort to show you love in the way they show you love, yet you don't recognize it that way or show appreciation for that display of love, they will eventually stop showing you their love in that way anymore. If that is how they communicate love, then that communication WILL go away.
::YOU::I guess the key is not taking things like that for granted and being understanding enough to realize that we show our feelings for each other differently.
But if you still only see it as fixing something, then you still are taking it for granted.
::YOU::As for the sex part, I never thought about someone using that as a control issue.
Are you serious? People have used sex to control other people in relationships as long as there have been relationships.
Some woman control their man all the time by deciding when or if they will have sex with them. This is one of the primary control vehicles that woman have in a relationship.
Same with men, they use sex and other displays of affection in relationships in very similar ways.
I thought I read in another post that you said is Love Language....the way he hears that you love him is physical touch.
How can you have read that book and understand that about him and then not give out that phsyical touch (not just sex) all the time. I know that once I read that book, it changed things so much for me and if I'm in love with someone in a relationship and know how they hear I love them - I would get great joy out of doing that as often as possible.
Edited 8/31/2006 7:13 pm ET by lled2
::YOU::here's how the conversation went:
Me: I bought this book by Gary Chapman and it talks about different kind of love language that each individual expresses, and I thought maybe you could read the book at your convience.
Hubby: I don't want to read the book. It only works for a short time and then we go back to the way we "originally" were
Me: Ok, well, thanks for your time.
:::ME::: well, I can certainly understand that you found that situation frustrating. But isn't it worth a bit more of an effort on your part (even if you don't see any on his part)?
A thought that came to mind is that you could offer to read it to him or to read it together. I recall you seem to have issues with him on the computer. You could offer to read it to him while he does that.
>>I guess when you stated this, I took it literally. Unfortunately for me, sometimes I need a very clear picture of what people mean, otherwise, I take it literally (which may or may not be what the person mean to say). Make sense?<<
It makes perfect sense because I've got a child who is on the autism spectrum. He's both overly literal and I frequently have to word something 5 different ways before he finally "gets it". I should have thought of changing around my words earlier. In my life at home, if my son doesn't understand what I'm saying, I've learned to not blame him. Instead I have to look at my own communication and think of a different way to achieve the same outcome.
Do you ever play Pictionary? You know how you draw something and the other person just doesn't get what it is. But you don't know how to draw it any other way so you just keep drawing the same thing over and over again with more arrows for emphasis? I think this is partly the problem both in your marriage and here online. We've got to figure out some different drawings LOL
But with this in mind, is it possible that either/both of you are boderline Aspergers? I'm not trying to offend, because I have many traits myself LOL. A very strong element of this disorder includes not being able to understand subtext of each other's communication. Aspergers sufferers are also far too literal in their interpretation of language. Aspergers sufferers will often not be able to pick up sarcasm or jokes - they take it all literally. Aspergers makes it hard to 'read' what your partner is thinking and feeling. Did either of you have problems making friends at school? Did either of you find it hard to understand those 'unwritten rules' of friendships? (continued at the end of my post)
>>My love language is Words of Affirmation; he's is Physical. So, how do we get the 2 to connect? I'm assuming (eventhough I don't like to assume) the reason why he STOP initiating affection first is because I hardly initiated affection FIRST, therefore, he came to the conclusion that I wasn't attracted to him...which, is not the case. My way of showing him that I love him is Words of Affirmation, but he doesn't get it. I've tried to show him thru action that I love him by initiating affection first, but its not good enough for him because he knows I'm not affectionate, therefore, I stopped trying to be affectionate because it doesn't work. I'm trying<<
I'm starting to reconsider my original advice where you should be affectionate in order to make him affectionate. According to the languages of love, if you show love with words of affirmation, he would accept this as your method and then display love in his physical method, which in turn, you would accept.
Because he's unable/unwilling to understand your words of love - there's not much you can do. I still stand by some of my previous comments where I think he's switched off from the marriage. I'm not even sure he loves you anymore. Certainly his actions and unwillingness to attend counselling do not bode well.
At this point, the ball is in your court. For what it's worth, I couldn't life the life you are in. It may be time to cut your losses and move on. For a marriage to work, it takes commitment from both partners - but I'm not seeing anything coming from him.
Back to Aspergers, here is a checklist you may find interesting. Please, please consider it for both/either of you. There is something not right in the way the two of you deal with each other and this could be the answer.
.........a simple ten question checklist to help with a preliminary self-diagnosis. If you answered “yes” to some or most of these questions, you may decide to find out more.
I find social situations confusing.
I find it hard to make small talk.
I did not enjoy imaginative story-writing at school.
I am good at picking up details and facts.
I find it hard to work out what other people are thinking and feeling.
I can focus on certain things for very long periods.
People often say I was rude even when this was not intended.
I have unusually strong, narrow interests.
I do certain things in an inflexible, repetitive way.
I have always had difficulty making friends.
***Have a look, and at least try to rule it out as an issue****
lled2,
I think you misunderstood my post. I wasn't referring to my relationship. I am not having
any issues in communication or anything else. I was showing that example for Casey, showing her how it would be possible not to see how her DH is showing his love and affection for her in ways that she may not recognize. I DO totally recognize that my DH fixing something for me is showing me he cares. My example was for Caseys situation. Also with the physical touch. I am not a touchy person but DH and I give plenty of physical touch, not just sex. We have no problems in either area. Sorry, for the misunderstanding.
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