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| Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:51pm |
Because I don't. My hubby and I had another fight. My hubby was playing with my dog (I bought my dog a new ball at pets mart) After my hubby gets done playing with my dog, he goes into the computer room and starts playing on-line poker. While both of us are in the computer room, my dog all the sudden starts peeing on the carpet right behind my hubby's chair. My dog is pretty much house-trained. He has only had 2 accidents in the last year. After my dog peed, my hubby just kind of laughs and says "And you want to buy a house"? He continues on to say that he doesn't feel a dog should go pee at all on the carpet. So, yea, I got a little bent stating that "ok, so now that I have a dog, we can never own a house". And my hubby replies "maybe". I was thinking just because my dog pees on the carpet TWICE in the last year that this will stop us from buying a house. So, I was pissed...however, I didn't want it to escalate like the arguement we had several weeks ago. A few minutes later, I give my hubby a kiss and thinking things are ok. But the way my hubby gives me a kiss, I felt like his on-line poker was a bit more important than me. He was playing 2 hands. So, the conversation went like this:
Me: Sorry to bother you by giving you a kiss
Hubby: That's alright you weren't
Me: Yes, I was. That wasn't really a kiss
Hubby: The kiss wasn't any different that any other kiss
******For the past month, there have been no kissing other than a peck on the lips when he comes home
Me: I don't know if I even turn you on anymore
Hubby: What do you mean?
Me: We aren't affectionate. I thought things were ok, but something has been wrong for the last month and I can't put my finger on it. I've noticed you haven't really been affectionate for the past month(***See, I've been saying in my posts/thread for a while that something is wrong...I thought maybe it was taking him longer to come around since our last arguements a month ago...but I got the feeling maybe it isn't)
Hubby: Yea, your right I haven't really been affectionate
Me: Why is that?
Hubby: It just something I have to deal with
Me: **Confused
Hubby: I don't want to talk about it because we would end up in a fight. If I tell you, then I'll be the bad guy and if I don't tell you then I'm still the bad guy.
Me: ***Very confused and starting to get pissed
Me: Therefore, you don't want to talk about it
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: So are you saying you will never be affectionate in our marriage
Hubby: It has nothing to do with being affectionate
Me: ***Very confused and getting more pissed
Me: So, I'm supposed to guess at what you won't tell me
Hubby: Just let it go
Me: I feel communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Don't you feel things need to be talked out
Hubby: On some matters I do. I'm just not going to talk about this and I know you want to know what it is but I'm not going to tell you
Me: Don't you know this affects our marriage
Hubby: Yes, I do. Since I have to deal with this and I'm part of this marriage, yes, I know this affects our marriage
Me: Well, you are being unfair to me
Hubby: Its me that has to deal with this
Me: Are you saying that you will never be affectionate with me (***Thinking that its been me that's initiating MOST of the affection in the last couple of weeks.)
Hubby: But your not affectionate. So, are you blaming me because I'm not affectionate
Me: ***Thinking this is the same type of conversation we had several months ago with him thinking that I don't initiate affection. But I'm getting pissed because he hasn't even noticed that I have been affectionate...giving him a kiss when he gets home, taking his hand when we walk to the car, or putting my hand on his shoulder when he's on the pc or even giving him a kiss while he's on the pc. Man, what a freaking waste of my time thinking he hasn't noticed any of my affection
Me: You haven't answered my question
Hubby: Which question is that?
Me: Do I still turn you on?
Hubby: Yes, sometimes
Me: Well, that's reassuring. Why are you getting upset with me. I'm just trying to figure out something that you won't tell me. I feel communication is very important.
Hubby: We don't affectionately communicate.
Me: ***Very confused on what he meant by "affectionately communicate"....or he might have said "communicate affectionately"...
***By this time we are both pissed. By the way, while we are having this conversation my hubby has not looked once at me because he was playing poker on his pc.
Me: I just need affirmation.
Hubby: I know what you mean
Me: You don't think me sending you that ecard was affirmation
Hubby: It was great. (Sounding a bit sarcastic)
Me: Well, I thought you would appreciate it
Hubby: I did. I said it was great
Me: I just need to feel loved by you and I don't. (***I leave the room) After a few minutes, I give him a kiss and say "whatever you won't tell me, I need to respect it". And then I leave the room. I must admit, as I'm in bed, I'm really starting to stew.
After having this conversation I am MORE confused. I thought things were starting to be good, but I guess I'm just too naive. I told you guys in another post that last week while we were golfing, he just came up and hugged me and kissed me on the golf course. It really melted me. And yesterday, I sent him an ecard while he was at work and he called me to thank me.
Can anyone figure out what my hubby meants by when he said "we don't affectionately communicate"? I'm totally lost.

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Hi Casey,
Instead of analyzing your marriage to death. Why not just let it go ? Who cares who started what. You are probably pushing your husband away with weeks of this. Start fresh, but don't tell him. Just do it.
If you don't think you can do this then I suggest you start seeing a couple therapist WITH your husband.
One thing I know for sure is stop analyzing.
What ever his 'issue' , ask him, or suggest what you think it might be. Tell him by not communicating to yuo if there is a problem than you will never know. Tell him that you oth could make efforts in being affectionate or intimate with eachother, not one person should be to blame in your particular case. If he's willing to communicate his problems and you are too it is easier to find solutions to them and make the amount of time you go back and forth onn the subject diminish, so you're not wasting time arguing when you could already have a resolution. If he's unwilling to communicate or doesn't think he's part of the problem that's an issue he ahs that may get better with couples counseling.
First state he needs to communicate ,ask him if theres any reason why he might not feel comfortable doing so, and let him know your 'guesses' on what he thinks is the 'problem' in your relationship. Then work on the solutions to what you can both to solve it and how to put effort into a healthy relationship. He may need to communicate more, and not hang the problem over your head and you may need to walk away when you're upset over things as to not overrect 'on the scene' and come back when your calm and have thought things over.
I'm not sure what you having a dog that makes a mess has to do with you wanting to get a house and how that's different from an apt,condo you rent. I hear him thinking it's okay to mess up a place you rent from(someone elses property) but not your own. ??? He never agreed to getting a dog? He doesn't want it? Now he is going to rub your mistakes in your nose by coming off like you can't get a house because your dog isn't quite trained yet? Did you discuss getting the dog, did he just settle to getting it or want one as well? Maybe he was joking and you read to much into it, but I still don't see the connection with the dog and your own house versus your current place you live. I would see the relevance if he said "and you want to get a house?' if the problem were about your finance skills and not a messy dog. I hoe I helped you out :)
Edited 9/1/2006 1:03 pm ET by intuition_girl0727
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I've started to re-read the 5 love language book and it states (I don't remember which page it was on) we should understand each of our spouse's love language and then particpate in them. Let me explain: Since my love language is Words of Affirmation, my hubby should say one thing each day using my love language; and if my hubby's love language is Physical, then I should once a day initiate affection (his love language) and now we know how to exchange each other love language. Make sense?
Regarding Aspergers - I've read your checklist and I'm not sure I agree with it. Let me explain. Don't you think that people who are not aspergers may answer yes to any of these questions. I think whether you are or are not aspergers, anyone can answer these questions and say yes. Hope this makes sense
Ok...here's an update on us (lol)
Last weekend, my hubby and I had a fight. Last weekend my hubby had his ring on his pc desk. I did not notice this until he went into the other room and I was throwing away papers (trash can is by his pc). I went to throw away the papers and noticed his ring was there. I was really upset. The many times he has forgotten to put his ring on after work, plus the times he puts his ring on his pinkie (sometimes his ring finger gets a little bit uncomfortable, therefore he puts the ring on his pinkie) and then now this (putting in his on the desk). When I saw this I gave him back his ring and he said "Thanks, I just put my ring down because it was a little bit uncomfortable". I asked him "why didn't he put his ring on his pinkie and he said "I just didn't do it that time". But...I let it go (even thought I was stewing inside).
The next morning, my hubby's allergies were bothering him and he was blowing his nose for the past couple of hours. So, when I came in, the conversation went like this:
Me: How are you feeling?
Hubby: My nose has been bothering me
***Noticing he has his ring on the pc desk AGAIN.
Me: You know if you don't want to wear your ring, you don't have to
Hubby: Ok
Me: Well, I just noticed you've been putting your ring on your desk lately. (getting annoyed)
Hubby: I just didn't want to put snot all over it
****Still stewing from the night before when he had his ring on the pc
Me: Well, you put your ring on the pc last night then forgot to put it back on and now this morning.
Hubby: Well, then you wear it.
Me: You know how important this is to me...granted its not as important as our marriage, however, it is important
Hubby: Like I said, I just didn't want to put snot all over it.
Me: Another thing, I liked it how you said "Me too" when I called you the other day to say I Love You (***My hubby has NEVER said "Me too" regardless if he is at work or not)
***By this time we are both getting annoyed and yelling
Hubby: Why can't you just let it go. You have never let it go. I have tried in this marriage.
Me: Tried??? You haven't tried. I forgot when the last time you have tried. By the way, you can go by yourself to your niece's birthday party.
Hubby: You don't think I've tried?
Me: No. And I really don't think you love me anymore
Hubby: ***He picks up his ring and slams his ring down on the pc and yells "We are done. I cannot be married. This has been wrong for so long".
I leave and take a shower. After I get done, I say to him "I'm going to the gym and I hope you feel better.
After I come back from the gym, he's now taking a shower and I go into the pc room. I noticed his ring is not on his pc desk.
After a few minutes, he goes into the pc room and I leave. However, just as I'm walking by him, I noticed he IS wearing his wedding ring.
Now, why would you say "We are done" and then later on put your wedding ring back on?
My heart has become harden. I must admit, there's still a little bit...and I mean a little bit left in me that still wants our marriage to work. However, with the many times he's mentioned the big D word (at least 5 times since we've been married), I'm just going to give in and say "Pack your bags". I'm just stuck right now.
By the way, that happend last Sunday and the very next day he asked me if I wanted to go golfing. I guess that's his way of still trying OR, maybe he just feels obligated. He's been starting to call me when he is at work and after our last fight on Sunday, he's called several times this week just to check in. So, maybe in his own way he is trying but with my heart hardening up, maybe I feel he's doing it out of obligation.
Edited 9/8/2006 4:57 pm ET by casey0201
Casey, I won't comment on your fight because I'll just be rehashing what has been said previously. Your behaviour in this fight is the polar opposite of what we've been advising you to do.
>>Regarding Aspergers - I've read your checklist and I'm not sure I agree with it. Let me explain. Don't you think that people who are not aspergers may answer yes to any of these questions. I think whether you are or are not aspergers, anyone can answer these questions and say yes. Hope this makes sense<<
What I will do is concentrate on the Aspergers. The reason I'm doing this is because I believe that one (or both) of you lack the basic, instinctive knowledge of how to have a relationship. And at the very least, I'd like to try and help you identify a reason that this is going on. It may not be Aspergers....but let's at least have a look.
Yes, you are right, most of us will identify with a few of the suggested points and this is quite normal. However, Aspergers is a cluster of symptoms - so if one identifies with *many* of the scenarios, it's much more likely that they have Aspergers. Putting it bluntly, no *normal* person will identify with *most* of the points.
Going through my family, my husband could identify with about two of the points related to intelligence, but has great personal and relationship skills - he's not anywhere near Aspergers. My dad and I could identify with at least half of the points. We are both borderline Aspies but probably wouldn't get a diagnosis. But my son could identify with all of the scenarios - plus has the added issues of speech and language problems - which makes him moderately autistic.
Casey, finding out that you or your husband (or both) have some type of social skill issue isn't a terrible thing. Heaven knows, since having my son and realising that I'm borderline Aspie, it's actually made my life easier because DH and I now know there's a *reason* that I can be so clueless in some situations. My mum also has more tolerance for my dad now because she now knows the reason he does some of the things he does. For example, while I can cope in party situations, I used to exasperate my husband because I was exhausted by midnight. Or because I used to creep outside for some quiet time alone. But we both now understand that it's because I find social situations to be extremely hard work. I can do it, but I can never relax and just let it flow. I have to constantly think about what I'm doing and saying! I also understand now why I have so much trouble making good friends. I have lots of casual friends, but never seem to be able to encourage the friendship to the point where I get invited for coffee. (or perhaps I should invite them for coffee first?)
Please take no offence, but there has to be a reason somewhere as to why you are having so many problems with basic relationship skills. And I want you to do this for your husband too because he's behaving strangely as well.
Casey, look at the list again and do it for yourself and your husband. *How many points* would each of you identify with?
If yes or no answers are too hard, substitute with 1. Frequently 2. Sometimes 3. Rarely
I find social situations confusing.
I find it hard to make small talk.
I did not enjoy imaginative story-writing at school.
I am good at picking up details and facts.
I find it hard to work out what other people are thinking and feeling.
I can focus on certain things for very long periods.
People often say I was rude even when this was not intended.
I have unusually strong, narrow interests.
I do certain things in an inflexible, repetitive way.
I have always had difficulty making friends.
Edited 9/9/2006 12:10 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Casey, let me explain how ridiculous this whole wedding ring issue is.
First up, here are the facts:
To you, the wedding ring is symbolic of the vows of marriage.
To your husband, the wedding ring is an uncomfortable piece of jewellery which he'd rather not wear.
If you continue to tantrum and stew every time he forgets it, one of two possible outcomes will happen.
1. He will get very annoyed with your anger and tantrums and divorce you (at this stage, very likely)
2. He will give in and wear the ring just to shut you up.
If scenario #2 happens, even though it looks good on the outside - it ISN'T symbolic of your marriage vows. Rather it is symbolic that he's given in to you just to get some peace.
For the ring to truly be symbolic of marriage vows, it must mean the same thing to your husband. But because your husband doesn't find any symbolism in the ring, him wearing it does not reflect anything except that you've nagged him into wearing it. It becomes a symbolic of the fact that he'd rather be uncomfortable than suffer your tantrums.
Casey, I know that you will be thinking that nobody is understanding what's important to you. However, this post is not about you. This post is intended to help you grasp that even if you are successful in getting him to wear the ring, it will be to the detriment of your marriage.
You asked how he could threaten divorce and then put the ring back on? It's perfectly simple. The ring means nothing to him. It's just a pesky piece of jewellery. Whether it's on his finger or not, it does not reflect his feelings about your marriage vows. If he forgets it, it does not mean that he wants out. And likewise, if he wears it, it does not mean that he wishes to continue in the marriage.
To your husband, the ring has no more meaning than a pair of socks.
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First up, here are the facts:
To you, the wedding ring is symbolic of the vows of marriage.
To your husband, the wedding ring is an uncomfortable piece of jewellery which he'd rather not wear.
If you continue to tantrum and stew every time he forgets it, one of two possible outcomes will happen.
1. He will get very annoyed with your anger and tantrums and divorce you (at this stage, very likely)
2. He will give in and wear the ring just to shut you up.>>
First all, please don't tell me this ring is "ridiculous". This is how I feel. I don't think the way people feel should be patronized with being "ridiculous"
I have asked him about the ring. My hubby is just "forgetful". He say he wears the ring out of respect for me, however, he does forget to put it on at least 50% of the time. He says there are NO intentions behind him always forgetting. He's the type of person that forgets his phone both work and personal phones. Yes, I do remind him of it...and most...I said MOST of the time I'll say it "gently" about he forgot to put his wedding ring back on. But it does get to me sometimes that he does forget. The only thing you guys see if the time or 2 when it really gets to me, otherwise, I do the best I can and try not to let it get to me.
He knew when he met me that the ring is symbolic and important. I told him BEFORE we were married. If he couldn't accept that in me, he should have told me. I did NOT...repeat...did not know he would be this forgetful abou the ring. I mean, its not like we had a dry run on the ring before we got married to see how much he would forget to put it on. So, it has nothing to do with either of the options you have mentioned.
He has also said he has NO problems wearing the ring...I know..I have asked him. Yes, I have asked him during the times when things are good.
Can I not be human and not have things be stewed up? I am human. Please give me that much.
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I don't think the "ring" is really the problem. I think its everything else that IS the problem.
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This is confusing to me. Let me explain something. If I had my ring on my pc desk because I didn't want to get snot all over it, and my hubby came in and then we started arguing and then I slam my ring down on the pc and say "We are done, I can't be married and this is all wrong"...then that would be it for me. I wouldn't put the ring back on (especially if the ring was important to my hubby). Once I'm done with it....I AM DONE WITH IT. Hope this makes sense.
But yes, I do agree with you that it is just a piece of jewelry to him. Why sayd you are done with the marriage but then later on put the ring back on? I'm surprised I didn't tell him to pack his bags, which I was real close to it. Before I could say that, I left to go to the gym.
Getting back to the ring. I don't 100% of the time throw a tantrum. I do stew at least 20% of the time and that 20% of the time, is when I write my advice here, therefore, you guys see the 20% of the times that I stew and not the 80% that I don't. Make sense?
Casey, please don't wait for any other comments from me regarding you fighting with your husband about him forgetting the ring. Or regarding any of the other fights you are starting. You know that I think you're way out of line and I know that you don't agree with me. Being that this is the case, I can offer you no more relationship advice.
The only thing I can help you with is trying to identify a reason why you don't understand us or your husband. When reading your posts, I see a number of indicators that you *may have* some type of social skill disorder. However, I will refrain from elaborating further in this post as I don't wish for you to misunderstand and view it as a personal attack. Please believe that I'm not wishing to attack you, rather I'm trying to help you get a grasp on your situation.
If you do want to discuss the possibility of a social skill disorder, I will be more than happy to help.
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