Anyone have a clue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Anyone have a clue?
83
Fri, 08-18-2006 - 1:51pm

Because I don't. My hubby and I had another fight. My hubby was playing with my dog (I bought my dog a new ball at pets mart) After my hubby gets done playing with my dog, he goes into the computer room and starts playing on-line poker. While both of us are in the computer room, my dog all the sudden starts peeing on the carpet right behind my hubby's chair. My dog is pretty much house-trained. He has only had 2 accidents in the last year. After my dog peed, my hubby just kind of laughs and says "And you want to buy a house"? He continues on to say that he doesn't feel a dog should go pee at all on the carpet. So, yea, I got a little bent stating that "ok, so now that I have a dog, we can never own a house". And my hubby replies "maybe". I was thinking just because my dog pees on the carpet TWICE in the last year that this will stop us from buying a house. So, I was pissed...however, I didn't want it to escalate like the arguement we had several weeks ago. A few minutes later, I give my hubby a kiss and thinking things are ok. But the way my hubby gives me a kiss, I felt like his on-line poker was a bit more important than me. He was playing 2 hands. So, the conversation went like this:

Me: Sorry to bother you by giving you a kiss
Hubby: That's alright you weren't
Me: Yes, I was. That wasn't really a kiss
Hubby: The kiss wasn't any different that any other kiss
******For the past month, there have been no kissing other than a peck on the lips when he comes home

Me: I don't know if I even turn you on anymore
Hubby: What do you mean?
Me: We aren't affectionate. I thought things were ok, but something has been wrong for the last month and I can't put my finger on it. I've noticed you haven't really been affectionate for the past month(***See, I've been saying in my posts/thread for a while that something is wrong...I thought maybe it was taking him longer to come around since our last arguements a month ago...but I got the feeling maybe it isn't)
Hubby: Yea, your right I haven't really been affectionate
Me: Why is that?
Hubby: It just something I have to deal with
Me: **Confused
Hubby: I don't want to talk about it because we would end up in a fight. If I tell you, then I'll be the bad guy and if I don't tell you then I'm still the bad guy.
Me: ***Very confused and starting to get pissed
Me: Therefore, you don't want to talk about it
Hubby: No, I don't
Me: So are you saying you will never be affectionate in our marriage
Hubby: It has nothing to do with being affectionate
Me: ***Very confused and getting more pissed
Me: So, I'm supposed to guess at what you won't tell me
Hubby: Just let it go
Me: I feel communication is the most important thing in a marriage. Don't you feel things need to be talked out
Hubby: On some matters I do. I'm just not going to talk about this and I know you want to know what it is but I'm not going to tell you
Me: Don't you know this affects our marriage
Hubby: Yes, I do. Since I have to deal with this and I'm part of this marriage, yes, I know this affects our marriage
Me: Well, you are being unfair to me
Hubby: Its me that has to deal with this
Me: Are you saying that you will never be affectionate with me (***Thinking that its been me that's initiating MOST of the affection in the last couple of weeks.)
Hubby: But your not affectionate. So, are you blaming me because I'm not affectionate
Me: ***Thinking this is the same type of conversation we had several months ago with him thinking that I don't initiate affection. But I'm getting pissed because he hasn't even noticed that I have been affectionate...giving him a kiss when he gets home, taking his hand when we walk to the car, or putting my hand on his shoulder when he's on the pc or even giving him a kiss while he's on the pc. Man, what a freaking waste of my time thinking he hasn't noticed any of my affection
Me: You haven't answered my question
Hubby: Which question is that?
Me: Do I still turn you on?
Hubby: Yes, sometimes
Me: Well, that's reassuring. Why are you getting upset with me. I'm just trying to figure out something that you won't tell me. I feel communication is very important.
Hubby: We don't affectionately communicate.
Me: ***Very confused on what he meant by "affectionately communicate"....or he might have said "communicate affectionately"...
***By this time we are both pissed. By the way, while we are having this conversation my hubby has not looked once at me because he was playing poker on his pc.
Me: I just need affirmation.
Hubby: I know what you mean
Me: You don't think me sending you that ecard was affirmation
Hubby: It was great. (Sounding a bit sarcastic)
Me: Well, I thought you would appreciate it
Hubby: I did. I said it was great
Me: I just need to feel loved by you and I don't. (***I leave the room) After a few minutes, I give him a kiss and say "whatever you won't tell me, I need to respect it". And then I leave the room. I must admit, as I'm in bed, I'm really starting to stew.

After having this conversation I am MORE confused. I thought things were starting to be good, but I guess I'm just too naive. I told you guys in another post that last week while we were golfing, he just came up and hugged me and kissed me on the golf course. It really melted me. And yesterday, I sent him an ecard while he was at work and he called me to thank me.

Can anyone figure out what my hubby meants by when he said "we don't affectionately communicate"? I'm totally lost.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 5:12pm

Casey, you said "He knew when he met me that the ring is symbolic and important. I told him BEFORE we were married. If he couldn't accept that in me, he should have told me. I did NOT...repeat...did not know he would be this forgetful abou the ring. I mean, its not like we had a dry run on the ring before we got married to see how much he would forget to put it on. So, it has nothing to do with either of the options you have mentioned."

I don't doubt that you told him that before you were married but is that REALLY how you feel? So, you only wanted to marry a man that would always remember to wear his ring period? Him wearing the ring is that important to you? So if he'd said before you were married "Casey, I love you but I'm forgetful, and I will probably often forget to wear my ring" you absolutely wouldn't have married him, because you said it was that important to you and you would accept no less?

You said you "gently" remind him to wear it. You didn't gently remind him the other night, you nit picked at him and brought another issue into it besides. You asked about the ring and he gave you a good answer "he didn't want to get it dirty, or snot on it". Why didn't you just say "ok, I understand that" and let it go. You then proceeded to tell him of other times he has forgotten, then you brought up how he said "me too". You are the one who made it an arguement. You said he sometimes wears it on his pinkey when he can't wear it on the other finger. Good Grief, what in the world for? Don't you see how this means he's trying to respect your wishes? My DH would never, and I mean never wear it on his pinkey. Actually my DH never wears it at work or during the week because it could be dangerous at his job. He only wears it when we go out, when he remembers.

I honestly think that if he said I love you every time you said it, you'd pick on him about the ring. Then if he wore the ring every day, you'd pick on him about the online poker. Then if he quit online poker, you'd pick on him about not calling you enough in the day, etc, etc. He'll never be YOU. He'll always be HIM. I really don't think you can accept him as himself.

Let me give you an example of letting something go. My DH went for coffee the other morning. He often does this on Sunday. It's a small community and the men gather in the C-store for their morning chat. He was gone 3 hours. When he came home I gently said "It's fine if you want to chat for 3 hours but you might let me know next time so that I can go do something if I want". That was it, I said what was on my mind and dropped it. I never said one more word about it and it does not continue to bother me. I dropped it. My DH said "I had my phone if you needed me". Then He dropped it. We both said our piece. We didn't make it an issue, we didn't argue, and we were not mad at each other stewing over what the other said for days. We went out that afternoon and had a great day together. Did I enjoy waiting around for 3 hours? no. I could have gone grocery shopping. I was right that he should have called me. He was right that I could have called him. So, why fight. I love him and we had a great weekend. Now if I'd have continued the conversation trying to tell him how out of respet he should have called me, on and on, it would have ended up a big silly fight over nothing.

That is how I feel your talks go, often turning into big silly fights over nothing. Are all these issues (that seem so unimportant to me) really worth your marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:20pm

Sorry for the delay in my response. I had a few job interviews and really wanted to focus with my interviews.

Ok, to answer your questions, there are a few I could answer yes. Again, I must say just because I answer a few of those questions, doesn't mean I am Asperger. Like I mentioned before, I think a non-asperger could answer a few of those questions as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:26pm

I have to be honest here. I think you and I both take things personally. When I read your posts, to me its very bold and I guess I get defensive. I also feel that when you tell me your suggestion/advice, I give you my feedback on how I feel and maybe...just maybe you take it to personally...kind of like I do with you about your suggestions/advice. Make sense? I will say, you do give great advice and I have very much appreciated your suggestions/advice. I think for me I'm more easily understood if its done a little more tactfully rather than bold.

Again, I do very much appreciate your advice and I thank you for your time.




Edited 9/19/2006 8:36 pm ET by casey0201
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:33pm

Wow...reading your post, it does sound like I married your hubby. LOL.

Maybe you could be right of he could have said "effectively" than "affectionately". They both sound the same.

I wouldn't exactly say my hubby is a calm person, although he doesn't like confrontation or fights. He also chooses to forget there is a problem rather than talk about it.

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Many times I don't think my hubby puts any effort into our marriage, however, he says differently. He thinks he does, but the problem is I don't recognize it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 09-19-2006 - 8:57pm

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Yes, that's how I feel. A ring to me is very symbolic...it is important, although not as important as our marriage, but nonetheless important to me.

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I had no idea how much he would forget to put his ring back on. Like I mentioned in my post earlier, it gets to me 20% of the time and that 20% of the time is when I tell you guys about it. The other 80% of the time, I don't have a problem with it.

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Because the night before, he set down his ring on the pc desk because it was starting to be a discomfort. Usually when it starts to become discomfort, he puts the ring on his pinkie, however, he didn't that night...he set it on the pc desk. And then after he got done on his computer, he went into another room and watched tv. After a few hours, I noticed the ring on his pc desk and walked over and gave it to him. He replied "oh I forgot"....it sounded so insensitive and my feelings were hurt. Well the next morning when he had his ring on his pc desk and I blurted it out, I was still hurt from the night before.

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I don't get it. How did I make this into an arguement?

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I guess I don't see it.

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I'm not sure if I agree with this. Here's a hypothetic analysis. If my hubby told me that he wants me to kiss him before I leave because that's important to him....you damn well better believe I would respect his wishes...because he told me it was IMPORTANT. So, let's say I forget and he has to remind me. And then let's say I forget 3-4 times a week and he keeps reminding me that I need to kiss him before I leave (whether going to the store, work, friends house, etc). As much as I have forgotten, I would be "embarassed" of myself that I forgot many times on something that is important to him.

Well, with the ring situation, you would think as much as he has forgotten to put his ring back on, he would feel embarassed, but he doesn't show it nor does he feel remorse...and he knows how IMPORTANT it is to me.

He says he wears the ring out of respect for me, however, he forgets...I would think that remembering to put it on is also part of respecting your spouses wises especially if its important.

But I wouldn't be that forgetful if something he thought was important. But then again, that's me. I wouldn't disrespect (forgetting) something that's important especially if my spouse has requested it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:22am
Casey..I had a conversation with my husband the other nite and told him how i felt about him not confronting problems, and pretending they dont exist. He told me that he is a very simple person, and that was his explaination. Lets just say the conversation did not go the best, but i did tell him how i felt about his "nonaffectionetness"...Is that a word? Anyway, he told me that he did not think that a relationship should be work..that it should be easy! Does that make any sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 2:50am
That should sound VERY familiar to Casey, because that's what her husband thinks, too. The problem with that kind of thinking is that the person is really saying, "This should be easy FOR ME," totally disregarding that what makes things easy for him (getting his own way, doing the things he wants, having the household revolve around him) makes life difficult and unsatisfying for others. Relationships don't have to be a struggle, but there has to be give and take on both sides, something that your husbands don't seem to grasp. In the final analysis, the question is, "Is this something I can live with and be happy, is it something that I can live with at the cost of my happiness, or am I outta here?" That's not a question anyone can answer but you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 12:36pm

I'm not sure if I agree with this. Here's a hypothetic analysis. If my hubby told me that he wants me to kiss him before I leave because that's important to him....you damn well better believe I would respect his wishes...because he told me it was IMPORTANT. So, let's say I forget and he has to remind me. And then let's say I forget 3-4 times a week and he keeps reminding me that I need to kiss him before I leave (whether going to the store, work, friends house, etc). As much as I have forgotten, I would be "embarassed" of myself that I forgot many times on something that is important to him.

What if what he told you was important to him was that you not get on to him about the ring when he forgets? Would you still respect his wishes and do that for him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 8:45pm

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Those are the EXACT words my hubby used. He thinks things should become natural. Like I've mentioned in my post earlier, he has told me he has put effort, however, I must have been absent during those times that he has put effort, because I disagree with his statement.

Your hubby does sound ALOT like my hubby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 09-20-2006 - 8:48pm

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That is a hard one to answer. The reason being is 80% of the time I do remind him of his ring, its been a "gentle" reminder sealed with a kiss.

The other 20% of the time, is when I get frustrated and that's when you guys hear about it. Kind of like you guys hear all the bad stuff but not the good stuff. Make sense?

Also, he has told me that he doesn't mind me reminding him about his ring because he knows he's forgetful, therefore, that's why its a hard question to answer because of the fact he has already told me to remind him of it.

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