Arguing, always arguing...
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| Wed, 11-09-2005 - 10:25pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. I love him dearly and I know that is loves me too. We are two quite stubborn persons and we like to get our own way. We usually always get to a compromise but recently, for about the last 4-6 weeks, we are constantly arguing.
Often, the day starts off really well... For example, we often watch tv and comment on what we see and something really stupid blows up into a huge argument. And it is constant and getting worse. We've talked about it many times and we always promise each other that it won't happen again but it always does. And in a very short period of time (like a day or so).
We've talked about breaking up but neither of us really wants that because when everything goes well, we are so happy together. He is also my best friend so when I imagine myself without him, it is very painful. However, I'm quite desperate right now, I want our relationship back on track but I don't know how to stop this. I sincerely thought that we were meant for each other but now I don't know...
I've talked to him about going to see a therapist but he says that people who really love each other don't need that... And it's expensive and I'm still a student.
So this is it... constant arguing about nothing and everything at the same time... What can we do ? We both know that this is a bad thing but it is like we cannot help it, every discussion turns into a fight.

Talking is great, but promises won't get you anywhere. Being committed to change is good, but you need more than promises and commitment, you need a plan for change. Without a plan as to how to go about making a change, nothing is going to change and you're going to automatically fall back into the same pattern of fighting as before. Human nature says so, we're creatures of habit.
There are some articles in our Information and Resources section on constructive and fair fighting that should give you a good start in resolving your issues. (You might tell your boyfriend that these articles were given to me by therapists who use them with their clients.):
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember I think they'll help ~ Good luck!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you for your advice. If you were wondering, I am 24 and he is 27.
I think that arguments turn bad because each one of us is trying to "win" the fight, having the last word. I also get agressive when I feel he is saying that everything is my fault and things would be better if I would change. He recognizes that he has his faults but I must admit we tend to play the "blame game" a lot.
(I haven't practice my english much, sorry if my phrases look weird sometimes)
Your english is fine.
The goal in an argument is not to win but to find a compromise.
At 27 he should be mature enough to have recognized that counseling and therapy are valid and important tools to be used both in relationships and for individual issues. Since these articles I provided are tools a therapist would use to help you, maybe you shouldn't use them? (Kidding, making the point that the help you're getting comes from counselors and therapists) The fact that he holds this feeling towards professional help at this age is a serious warning. I wouldn't consider a serious, long term relationship with someone who holds those beliefs.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
>> For example, we often watch tv and comment on what we see and something really stupid blows up into a huge argument.<<
When I watch TV with my DH and comment on what we see, we always agree. Whether it be about Dr Phil or a current affairs show. You see, my DH and I have similar attitudes to everything from child rearing, through to religion and politics. To me, sharing the same morals and beliefs is the foundation of a strong bond.
If the two of you are arguing about what you see on TV, what I'm wondering is: are your morals, beliefs and politics quite different? What type of things on TV do you argue over?
This may seem like a strange question, but it may provide some insight into your problem.
Your question is not strange, I know that it's not easy to understand everything here, because we can't really write the entire history of our relationships.
Actually, it's quite weird because we agree on alot of things. We agree on politics, on how to raise children, marriage..etc. It seems to be "unimportant" stuff that becomes an excuse to fight over others things. For example, the other night before we went to be, I said I wanted to donate to the Red Cross. He said it was a good thing but he then added that the money might not get to the people in need. I always hated that kind of answer so I replied "That's what people who do not want to give say". He then said that he preferred to donate to local charities and it's more usuful. So we started arguing and losing patience because we wanted both to be right and one thing led to another and before we knew it, it became a fight about how I always wanted to be right, and so on...
Like I said in my earlier posts, this is a recent thing (couple of weeks). We seem both very agressive and I don't really know why. We are happy one minute and arguing the next one. It is very painful because when we get along, we are so happy together. We really love each other dearly which makes it even more painful to see our relationship sour because of something stupid like this.
>>He said it was a good thing but he then added that the money might not get to the people in need. I always hated that kind of answer so I replied "That's what people who do not want to give say"<<
I hate to echo my kids (LOL) but in this situation, I will say "you started it". He voiced a concern and you snapped at him in return. And may I add that your response was quite unreasonable when he had already agreed that donating was a good idea. Your comment was quite insulting. His concern was simply that the money *might not* get to the people who need it. It's not as though he called the Red Cross a bunch of theives.
As alternative replies, you could have said "I appreciate your concerns, however if we each support our charities of choice, then everyone gets assistance". Or perhaps you could have said "it would be interesting to look at their annual report and see just where the money goes". Or you could have acknowledged that unfortunately ALL charities have substantial overheads to pay for before the needy receive money. All of these replies would have been a reasonable response to his comment AND would have prevented an arguement.
If this is a reflection of your standard type of arguements, perhaps you should be asking why you are snappy?
I agree, Aisha, I was thinking the same thing. She seemed to have taken personal offense at his statement. He may believe what he said and she may disagree with his point of view, but he's just as entitled to his as she is to hers. I think your suggested response is a great one, another would be, "I appreciate your point of view, but I'd still like to make a donation."
I have to say too that her boyfriend's statement hit me a bit as being like my ex who was *always* negative, seeing the glass as half empty. If that's the case here, I can tell you it's very hard to maintain a positive response and attitude when you're dealing with a negative person again and again. If that's the case, whether they agree on morals, values and beliefs (which is crucial to a strong, solid, healthy relationship) or not, the negative statements are going to be more than she's likely to continue to accept. Add his "the money might not get to the people in need." to his "people who really love each other don't need that " and I'd say you may just have a pretty negatively opinionated guy, and you know how fun that type is to be around for long! I wonder, Meritamon, is he that way often? With everyone or just you?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Meritamon, I totally forgot to mention that you should check with your college about counseling. They should have a very low cost (if not free) mental health clinic where you can get counseling. Check it out! There are other options as well. State, county, city and other local services offer low income mental health counseling. Check what's available locally. You can usually get a good idea by calling your local public health department, they should be able to guide you where you need to go.
Whether he's interested in going or not, there's a lot you can learn and gain from going on your own that will benefit your life and your relationship as well. You'll learn tools that you'll use and benefit from throughout your life.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You know, if you are right and he is a pessimist - it would be a very understandable reason for the O/P to become snappy.
I remember my ex husband's negativity becoming extremely grating after a while. And when something is grating on one's nerves, over-reaction becomes common.
Edited to add: I didn't even realise how crabby his negativitity was making me till after we broke up. Even my workmates commented that I was like a new person.
Edited 11/11/2005 1:48 am ET by iv_aisha2004