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| Fri, 06-09-2006 - 2:10am |
I am having problems with my DH as usual. I feel bad cause I feel like he is always "not doing" what he should be. I know that might sound alittle bossy but I can promise you that im not. I am just really sick of everything.
I had posted a bulletin before about my husband's drinking & putting his friends first, which has calmed down some but not totally.
Well, to get to the point, this last weekend my hubby got alittle drunk with his friends. And when hes drunk hes honest. He actually opened up to everyone & had said some things that bothered me alot.
He said that he knows hes not close to our daughter. He said he can look at her & know it's his, but he cant feel it!!!!! I might need to add that my husband was at war during most of my pregnancy & after she was born for the first 3 or 4 months.
He thinks thats why they aren't close. She is 2 yrs. old now. I can understand him, but only to a point. I have to b*tch at him just to spend time with her. He doesn't make an effort with her. I think thats why their not close, which upsets me horribly!
And ontop of that me & him are getting worse because of me. I am just getting more & more depressed. I am numb!
I have talked to him several times about what my needs are with him & he never does it!
Right now I need him to get his sh*t together & be a better daddy & be a better husband to me. Cause right now I feel like a single mom. He is out of town every week & when he does come home we really don't talk & he would rather go play or drink with his friends.
As for our marriage I have asked him to try to be more appreciating &/or romantic with me & even given him ideas. I have done alot of romantic things for him myself, but he looks at me like im stupid & makes me feel horrible for even trying.
And I will say that he has asked things of me to make him happy & I have done them 100%.
And I think the crappiest part about it is that I am sick right now. I found out that I had cancer 3 months ago & he still acts like he doesn't appreicate me. I would have thought it would scare him alittle bit, but I guess not. He got mad at me for not cleaning the house last week when I had a kendey infection on top of all the other stuff that makes me weak.
If he won't try with me then I don't want to stay! But I am married & I don't want to give up on him too quick. He didn't used to be like this before he went to Iraq.
I was wondering if anyone had any good ideas of how I can maybe help him & get him to understand what he is doing to our family? Or maybe if it's too late to try anymore?
I had posted a bulletin before about my husband's drinking & putting his friends first, which has calmed down some but not totally.
Well, to get to the point, this last weekend my hubby got alittle drunk with his friends. And when hes drunk hes honest. He actually opened up to everyone & had said some things that bothered me alot.
He said that he knows hes not close to our daughter. He said he can look at her & know it's his, but he cant feel it!!!!! I might need to add that my husband was at war during most of my pregnancy & after she was born for the first 3 or 4 months.
He thinks thats why they aren't close. She is 2 yrs. old now. I can understand him, but only to a point. I have to b*tch at him just to spend time with her. He doesn't make an effort with her. I think thats why their not close, which upsets me horribly!
And ontop of that me & him are getting worse because of me. I am just getting more & more depressed. I am numb!
I have talked to him several times about what my needs are with him & he never does it!
Right now I need him to get his sh*t together & be a better daddy & be a better husband to me. Cause right now I feel like a single mom. He is out of town every week & when he does come home we really don't talk & he would rather go play or drink with his friends.
As for our marriage I have asked him to try to be more appreciating &/or romantic with me & even given him ideas. I have done alot of romantic things for him myself, but he looks at me like im stupid & makes me feel horrible for even trying.
And I will say that he has asked things of me to make him happy & I have done them 100%.
And I think the crappiest part about it is that I am sick right now. I found out that I had cancer 3 months ago & he still acts like he doesn't appreicate me. I would have thought it would scare him alittle bit, but I guess not. He got mad at me for not cleaning the house last week when I had a kendey infection on top of all the other stuff that makes me weak.
If he won't try with me then I don't want to stay! But I am married & I don't want to give up on him too quick. He didn't used to be like this before he went to Iraq.
I was wondering if anyone had any good ideas of how I can maybe help him & get him to understand what he is doing to our family? Or maybe if it's too late to try anymore?

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It's way late and I was just heading off to bed, but refreshed the board before shutting down and found your post. I need to go to sleep so I can't respond to you until tomorrow after work, but of course I knew that you'd been here before and wanted to provide the link to your previous post so others can get a better feel for your situation and history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.
DH Problems
I'll be back tomorrow night!I know it wasn't that long ago that you posted, but you might want to reread your previous post too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Carrie, I'm so sorry I've taken so long in getting back to you. I've been buried in my "real life" and couldn't be here.
A couple of questions that will help me know what to suggest first, okay? He wasn't like this at all before Iraq? He didn't go off with the boys drinking all the time? How often did he go out with his friends before? What do his parents think of this change in him? Was was romantic and considerate before he left?
Until I hear back from you, huge hugs, Carrie, I know this is a really tough and hurtful situation for you. I imagine you're feeling pretty overwhelmed and lost over the whole thing.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hes been back for about 2 years. Hes not in active duty anymore. I made him get out cause I didnt want to live a life where he was always at war.
I did talk alittle to him about our daughter when he was sober. My hubby doesnt really like to talk about his feelings or anything. He told me he would try & has. But we have been through this so many times. He trys for awhile & them out of no where he completely stops!
I do talk to him about our marriage when there isnt a problem. But he doesn't like being wrong, so he blows up at me to try to make me feel bad & trys to make it all seem like its my fault. I come at him in a very nice way & try to not make him feel like I am coming at him to bitch. I let him no im really hurt, what the problem is, & what I feel I need from him. I'm not mean to him at all when talking to him about our problems, but he doesn't like feeling like hes doing wrong & instead of compromising with me he just makes me feel horrible for ever bringing it up.
As for the cancer thing I have type 2 cervical cancer, but it has started spreading through my body. I also have several other things wrong with my woman stuff & have been told by 3 doctors to take it all out. Its actually a miracle that I had my daughter. But we have no health insurance so I can't really do anything for all of it until I guess I am on the verge of something really bad happening to me or we get insurance. No outside insurance companies cover anything to do with cancer & his job doesn't have insurance. And with how weak I get at times I cant really work. My last job I had I got fired cause I was so sick all the time.
Well, let me know what you think. I am just lost. I feel I have tried everything. And ontop of everything, because of what medical bills we already have been trying to pay on & what not we are about to loose our house. ;-[
But as long as I have a happy family, thats really all that matters.
I know in the state I live in that Medicaid has a cervical/breast cancer program. Any woman who has cervical or breast cancer AUTOMATICALLY qualifies, regardless of income.
I don't know about your state but I would think that they would have something similar. Please look into it, for your health and the well-being of your daughter.
Jen
I just want to give you a hug! This war has changed so many people and effected so many lives. I don't think our government has any comprehension and if you are no longer military I know it's so hard to find help. My brother has been to Iraq twice, the first time was about the same time your husband was there. When he came back he was SO different. Lots of drinking so he wouldn't think about what had gone on. There was very little communication the first time he was there, so he felt like he had skipped a year. Just know that none of it is your fault.
I am no counselor, but the problem sounds like it is bigger than you can handle. I know you don't have insurance, but is there a church or a local organization that might offer counseling? I found this website:
http://www.iraqwarveterans.org/
There are several links on the side - post tramatic stress disorder, readjustment after deployment. I know it's been a while since he's been back, but he is officially a veteran and you might qualify for something and not know it.
Good luck and *HUGE HUGS*
- Ambria
You certainly have a lot on your hands, but I have a couple thoughts.
Sorry for the multiple posts, but here is another link, buried on their site, that might be helpful. It's about PTSD and alcohol abuse.
http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/specific/fs_alcohol.html?printable=yes
and information on the veterans affairs help centers in various states:
http://www1.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter_flsh.asp?isFlash=1
Edited 6/15/2006 10:19 pm ET by msambria
You guys posting the links to informational and help sites -- and coming back with more are just awesome. What a wonderful, caring thing to do!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You said your husband is not in active duty anymore, but is he completely out of the service, on inactive status or in reserve status? I think a lot of what you describe sounds very much like he's dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD), it's not at all unusual for those who have seen active duty to have, even if they seemed "fine" when they first got home. It can make quite a difference in their behavior, their actions, their mindset, it can have them change from someone you know to someone who's very different than who you've known in the past. Here's a link that describes what PTSD is and lists the symptoms:
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Symptoms, Types and Treatment
and here's a link to the
National Center for PTSD
Be sure to notice the links inside the box on the right side of the screen, clicking the links gives lots more areas of help and insight for PTSD. Those links may help you determine whether this could be his problem. Let me know what you think, okay?
Does that sound like him?
You said he doesn't like to talk about about his feelings and that he blows up and turns everything to seem like it's your fault. Did he ever like to talk about his feelings? How did he react to discussions about problems between you before?
Let me know the answers to the questions I've asked, and I'll be able to offer more.
Huge hugs, Carrie, we're here.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
This link http://www.hhsc.state.tx.us/programs/TexasWorks/medicalprograms.html says that Texas covers women with cervical cancer under medicaid. It is a place to start.
There is a reason I am passionate about this. Cancer CAN and WILL kill you if you don't do something about it. And your daughter deserves to have her mother. I lost mine when I was 27 and I feel the loss very acutely. Your daughter deserves to have you there when she graduates and gets married and has her first baby. So before you do ANYTHING else, get your cancer taken care of.
Jen
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