baby before ring?
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| Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:03am |
My bf has told me many times that he can't wait to get married and have kids with me. And I'm thrilled about that. We love eachother and I know I want to marry him and have his kids. Well, his sister recently became engaged, so he would like to wait until after she's married (so not to steal any spotlight from her). Which I totally understand. However she's not getting married until June 07.
Well, he keeps making comments about having kids, and that we don't have to be married to have kids. He actually told me one night that maybe next year I should get off the pill.
I guess I'm confused because sure, I'd love to have a baby right now. But I'm just not really sure if I want to have a baby without being married. Then again, I'm 28 and I really don't want to wait 2 more years to get married and then try having a baby, which I'll be in my 30's by then.
So - what's everyone's thoughts on this?

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My thoughts, don't have a baby until you are married. ESPECIALLY if you are uncomfortable with the idea.
There is no reason to wait until his sister is married to get engaged. You can plan your wedding for the next fall. The bride gets her wedding DAY not her wedding year and a half.
I know it's easy to say that you two will definitely work out, that having kids won't be an issue because you love each other, but the truth of the matter is that kids are hard to have and raise and it takes 2 fully involved parents to do that. And if something comes up and you two were to break up before getting married.... Plus, if you are going to live together and raise this child then WHY wait to get married?
Jen
Hey - take it from someone who's been around the block and in the same boat - regardless of his sister if he erally wanted to be with you - you would have the ring. Please wait and consider VERY seriously the prospect of having a baby with someone you are not married to - no matter how in love or committed you are right now.
Being married is hard enough - and the stresses of having a baby only add to the changing pile of things that need to be dealt with.
30 is NOT too old to have your first baby. I know it seems like an eternity - but trust me on this one!
DH and I have been together 13 years, have two kids and a mortgage though we have never technically married. (Both of us believe that marriage is just a bit of paper) While some people make the assumptions that having no ring = less commitment, nothing could be further from the truth in our case. We have a very solid, loving relationship with as much commitment as a happily married couple.
However, I'm not advising you to follow in my footsteps if you're not comfortable with the idea. Simply telling you that what some people think of defacto parenting can be way out of line. Defacto parenting can be as solid as married parenting. And while there are some flaky, unstable defacto relationships, there are some very flaky, unstable married ones too. You've only gotta read this board to see the proof in that!
That aside, I think that you and your boyfriend should revisit the marriage timeline. If his sister was getting married in 6 months, then it's fair to wait. But 18 months??? It's her choice to leave it that long and I'm sure she's aware that other people's lives still go on. If you and your boyfriend were to marry in say 6 or 8 months time, it would take no limelight off her.
If its "just a bit of paper" then why not do it?
I'm not saying that it's just a bit of paper for everyone. Marriage means a lot to many people and I totally accept this. However, it doesn't mean anything to us.
>>If marriage is "just a bit of paper" then why does it terrify so many men?<<
Probably because they're with the wrong woman. I've known a number of men who were refusing to commit to marriage. Their relationships broke up because of this. Then the man met another woman....and voila: marriage is on the cards.
>>If its "just a bit of paper" then why not do it?<<
Why fix something that's not broken?
Edited 1/24/2006 6:26 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
I agree with the other posters: if you want to marry, go ahead. You have plenty of time to plan a wedding and get married before his sister walks down the aisle, and you have no guarantee that she won't suddenly break her engagement in a year or so. Then you would have waited for no good reason.
HOWEVER, it is also possible that your boyfriend doesn't really want to marry you, but looks on impregnating you as a validation of his virility. Before you commit to bearing and raising his child, be sure you are both planning the same future.
Edited 1/24/2006 9:56 pm ET by geoteo
I've been married before and the bit of paper with a marriage on it can be cancelled with another piece of paper called a divorce certificate. So what's the point in marriage when it's so easy to get out of?
Also having been married before, I can tell you that my children form much stronger bonds for us than a piece of paper ever could. From experience I can tell you that leaving a marriage with no kids is not that hard. But because my defacto and I have kids, the thought of leaving is unthinkable (besides the fact that we have a wonderful relationship and I have no desire to leave)
Because children are the strongest marital bond that I could imagine, I see no need for the addition of what to me is a lesser bond.
Edited 1/24/2006 11:26 pm ET by iv_aisha2004
I don't think anybody's thoughts should make a bit of difference, the fact is you're not comfortable with having a baby without marriage and that's the only thing that matters. I agree with Jen that marriage is complicated and that adding a baby to that right off the bat (or before hand) is really hard on your relationship. Other things that would factor into this for me are how long you've been together, whether you live together or not (and if so, how long). I think unless you're in a committed non-married relationship like Aisha's, to me deciding to have a baby without the marriage would mean recognizing that I may end up raising a baby alone. Yes, I'm fully aware that marriage is no guarantee that it'll last, but if you're relationship isn't firmly in place and well established, I think regardless of how you feel, what you think or what he tells you it's a big risk.
I also agree that there's no reason you can't get married before her, get married THIS June, or October, or whatever, but waiting a year and a half so as not to steal her thunder is way too much. It's not like everyone's focus is going to stay on her from engagement day through wedding day. Give her a month or so to be engaged, get engaged yourselves (assuming you aren't already -- and if you're not, why not considering his desire to get married?) then book your date a decent distance from hers. I guess one big part that doesn't make sense is not marrying so as not to steal her spotlight, but getting pregnant and having a baby isn't going to take the focus off her? It just doesn't seem like respecting her limelight is really the issue here....it doesn't make sense.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with Aisha that men are terrified by the thought of marriage because they're not with the woman that's right for them.
For what it's worth, in my situation, I was the one who was all for continuing to live together, it was my husband who was pushing to get married.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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