baby before ring?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
baby before ring?
15
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 10:03am

My bf has told me many times that he can't wait to get married and have kids with me. And I'm thrilled about that. We love eachother and I know I want to marry him and have his kids. Well, his sister recently became engaged, so he would like to wait until after she's married (so not to steal any spotlight from her). Which I totally understand. However she's not getting married until June 07.

Well, he keeps making comments about having kids, and that we don't have to be married to have kids. He actually told me one night that maybe next year I should get off the pill.

I guess I'm confused because sure, I'd love to have a baby right now. But I'm just not really sure if I want to have a baby without being married. Then again, I'm 28 and I really don't want to wait 2 more years to get married and then try having a baby, which I'll be in my 30's by then.

So - what's everyone's thoughts on this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: kwhere
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 6:01am

>>For what it's worth, in my situation, I was the one who was all for continuing to live together, it was my husband who was pushing to get married<<

I would have gotten married too if it were important to my other half. Likewise, he said that he would have married me if it were important to me.

We've actually discussed marriage at length (to make sure that neither of us felt bad about not being married) and for a little while (about 2 days) we even planned a wedding. I was going through this period where I felt kind of 'out of place'. I finally realised that it was because my sirname was different to my partner and kids (they have his name and I had the name of my ex husband). So, in order to fix the problem we decided to get married.

Anyway, so we start talking about the wedding. I wanted 'just family' and he wanted to either elope or have the whole shebang. You know, white dress, 3 bridesmaids, 3 groomsmen, flowers, reception......and I just couldn't go there. Shudder. We couldn't agree on any aspect of the wedding. And for the record, my partner and I have never had a problem that we couldn't solve before.

So, I said to him "we are getting married simply so that I can change my name. That's not a good reason to get married". He agreed with me. So we scrapped the wedding plans, I had my name legally changed, spent the wedding money on a new bathroom and I've been absolutely content ever since.

Who would have thought that something as simple as a name change could bring contentment?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
In reply to: kwhere
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 9:01am
That piece of paper makes all difference when making medical decisions for the other person should something happen and for getting an inheritance in case one of you dies. If you don't have that piece of paper, you should have your other legal papers in order to prepare for that situation, not to you but to the unmarried poster.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: kwhere
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 9:53am
That would all depend on the laws of her country. Since she doesn't live in the states, it could be VERY different there from here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: kwhere
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 4:08pm

There's no problems in that area. Our life insurance and wills are all completed and we've nominated each other. And our laws see me as a legal partner and as such, I could make health decisions for him. If he should ever be out of work, our social security also recognises me as a legal wife.

Down here, if you've lived together for 2 years, then you're legally recognised as having the same family structure as being married (whether you like it or not!) Having been together for 13 years, the law certainly recognises our union.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kwhere
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 6:02pm

Rayny's got a good point. In the U.S. unmarried couples don't have the same recognition. If you aren't legally married I don't believe you're ever entitled to your partner's social security or retirement benefits and as far as recognition as a "common law" marriage, that varies state to state. Some states require eight years before they recognize your union, my state does not have a common law recognition; if you're not legally married in the eyes of the state you never have the same kind of benefits or recognition.


It is an important part of the issue and one that should be carefully considered.







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but you can control the width and depth."

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